If you have a toxic mother or father, their behavior may continue to affect your life even into adulthood. It's hard to heal the emotional scars caused by someone who was supposed to love and care for you, but who ended up being neglectful or emotionally abusive. Many people with toxic parents never manage to leave the dysfunctional families they grew up in, but you don't have to let your mom or dad continue to ruin your health and happiness into adulthood. To move forward, you must learn to respect your physical and emotional needs, form healthy bonds with other individuals, and limit your parents' influence in your life.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Taking Care of Your Own Well-being
Step 1. Stay away from the toxic familiar
Moving away from your father or mother will help you feel more confident about facing the world head on. If you don't want to cut off contact completely, cut down on visits and communications for a while to see how you feel about your parents taking up less space in your life.
- People who grow up in a toxic environment often have difficulty realizing how dysfunctional the people around them are. If you've spent a lot of time with your father or mother, distance will help you develop a new perspective on your relationship.
- For example, as you move away from your mother and find other sources of support, you may find that she was not really supportive, or you may even find that she was never supportive but required your constant attention.
Step 2. Take care of your own emotional health
If you have one or two toxic parents, you will need to give yourself the care and attention you should have received from them. This is far from ideal or fair, but the sooner you accept the truth, the sooner you can get away from your parents and tend to your own wounds.
- Avoid harboring hopes that your father or mother will notice the mistakes of the past and ask for your help in fixing your relationship. Your parents would have changed long ago if they wanted to.
- Don't be fooled into thinking that distance will make you suddenly change, for example. Accept that you need time and space for your own good, not to make them change their personality.
Step 3. Work on your self-esteem
Overcoming negativity itself is a great way to repair the damage caused by a toxic creation. If your parents are used to laughing at you or belittling you, you may have developed too harsh a self-criticism based on the things they say. Force yourself to ignore that negative voice and reinforce your strengths.
- If you find yourself thinking things like “I'm a burden to other people”, substitute things like “I help my friends when they need it and I'm great at my job”.
- Make a list of your best attributes and tuck it in your wallet or nail it to your bathroom mirror. Take a look at the list whenever you doubt yourself.
Step 4. Take good care of yourself
Now that you are an adult, you no longer need your parents to look after your physical and emotional well-being. Accept and respect your own needs by adopting a healthy lifestyle and always taking time to relax.
- Some habits that can positively affect your emotional balance are eating healthy foods, sleeping eight hours a night, and exercising several times a week.
- Meditating, writing in a journal, or taking up a creative hobby can also help your emotional health.
Step 5. Start therapy
A psychologist can help you work through your feelings about your toxic family members. With the help of a therapist, you will learn to respect their wishes, deal with the pain caused by them, and get on with your life.
Ask your GP if he can refer you to a therapist to help you
Method 2 of 3: Setting Boundaries Between Your Parents and Your Life
Step 1. Think hard about the possibility of completely severing contact
It can be very difficult to “divorce” a toxic mother or father, but in some cases cutting off contact is essential to your happiness and mental health. In other situations, it may be possible to maintain a relationship by setting some clear boundaries. Make this decision with your long-term well-being in mind.
Making a list of pros and cons can help. Write down all the positives of moving away from your parents and compare them to the disadvantages. You can include pros like “peace of mind” and cons like “miss you”
Step 2. Avoid putting yourself in a vulnerable position in front of your parents
If you decide to keep the relationship, make it clear that you are an independent adult now. Don't put yourself in situations that you can't get out of if you need to. Instead, let your parents know under what circumstances you might find yourself.
Do not spend the night at your parents' house, for example, or accept a ride from them. Find them in public places instead of inviting them into your house so they don't do or say anything that might hurt you
Step 3. Take control of the conversations
If your parents are used to using any conversation to belittle you or giving you orders, change the subject instead of letting them talk. If that doesn't work, stop the conversation and say you have to leave.
If your mother is criticizing your home decor, for example, change the subject by saying “I like the way the room looks. What did you do over the weekend?”
Step 4. Let your parents know what behaviors you will no longer accept
Make it clear what things you can't take anymore, what you expect from them, and what you'll do if they don't respect your space.
- Say things like “Dad, I don't think it's cool that you talk bad about my husband when he's not around. Stop doing that or I'll have to go.”
- Threaten to do only what you can do. Don't say you're leaving, for example, unless you're prepared for it.
Step 5. Stay away from your parents if they disrespect your space
If your mom or dad ignores what you say, let them talk to themselves; go away, hang up the phone to his face, or carry out any warning you've given.
- Your mom or dad might decide to test you to see if you were really serious.
- If they constantly disrespect your personal space and make no effort to cooperate, consider reducing or cutting off contact altogether.
Method 3 of 3: Building Healthy Relationships
Step 1. Cultivate relationships outside your family
Spend more time with friends or build new friendships with colleagues at work, school, and other people you see often. Having a social circle is important to your mental health and good friends can help you minimize the harm caused by a toxic mother or father.
Take the initiative and participate in courses, groups or activities with people who share your interests. Introduce yourself and ask questions about others. Choose to be with someone who values your presence and make you feel good about yourself
Step 2. Choose to make emotionally healthy friends
People who grow up with toxic parents can end up getting involved in relationships similar to the ones they had at home. Examine your social circle and see if your friendships are based on mutual care, support and trust.
- If you discover that you have toxic friendships, it might be a good idea to walk away from these people.
- Follow your instincts when making new friends. Do you often feel uncomfortable, pressured or scared around your potential friends? Do they make you do things you don't want to? Stay far away from people like that.
Step 3. Pay attention to toxic behaviors you may have inherited
It's not very nice to think about it, but it's possible that you've picked up on some of your parents' behaviors. Many families reproduce a cycle of abuse because children learn to relate to others by imitating adults. Pay attention to your own behavior and strive to correct possible negative habits.