How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: 14 Steps

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How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: 14 Steps
How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: 14 Steps

Video: How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: 14 Steps

Video: How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: 14 Steps
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Forgiving someone who has hurt us can be very difficult. However, you will feel better, and you may even be able to mend this relationship if you can truly forgive the person who has hurt you. Also, studies show that forgiveness relieves stress, so you'll be doing yourself a favor in the process. Learning to forgive someone can be a long and intense process, but it's a far better option than holding a grudge.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Changing perspective

Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 1
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 1

Step 1. Let go of resentment

If you resent this person for their damage, you will never be able to move on with your life and relationship. Accept that what's done is done by saying things like, "I'm angry that _ betrayed my trust, and I accept that it happened" and "I accept what happened and the way it made me feel."

  • Accept what the person has done and recognize that you have no control over it. However, it is possible to control how we react to each situation.
  • To be able to accept what happened and let go of your resentment, acknowledge your own shortcomings and the ways in which you may have hurt others. Everyone makes mistakes, and recognizing your mistakes will help you better understand the person who hurt you.
  • Nothing will happen overnight, but the sooner you decide to let go of resentment, the sooner it becomes a priority. Focus on moving forward rather than continuing to grieve with the past.
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 2
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 2

Step 2. Analyze the general context

As you walk toward forgiveness, take a step back and think about how serious this person's suffering is. Is this attitude really unforgivable or will you barely remember it a month from now? Think, "Will it matter tomorrow?" Only you can decide.

When analyzing the context, take into account your personal moral values and beliefs. If you are completely against cheating and have been cheated on by your partner, your moral compass may not allow you to forgive him. However, if you believe you can overcome infidelity, you can move forward on the path of forgiveness

Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 3
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 3

Step 3. Think of all the good things about the relationship

Do you enjoy spending time with this person because they are funny or have intelligent conversations? Are you a good parenting team? Are you sexually satisfied? Make a list of all the positive things about the relationship, whether it's platonic or loving. Do that person's good deeds outweigh the bad things?

Start by writing down smaller positive qualities like "He takes out the trash" or "He sends you useful links at work" and move on to more significant positive qualities like the person's personality or good deeds

Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 4
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 4

Step 4. Talk to someone about the situation

If you're feeling really hurt and upset about what happened, talking to someone can help you gain important new perspectives. Rather than mull it over on your own or isolate yourself from everyone else, talk to someone so you can hear different opinions and feel less lonely. You may also receive valuable advice that will help you better understand the situation and get a better idea of how to act.

Avoid talking to too many people and overloading yourself with opinions. Select a few trusted friends or family whose opinions you highly value

Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 5
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 5

Step 5. Give it time

In order to be able to forgive someone, it is important that we spend time alone with our own thoughts. If someone has done something very wrong to you (for example, if your girlfriend cheated on you with your best friend or badmouthed you behind your back), you will need space and some time to yourself. Also, over time you may gain a different perspective on the situation. For example, at this point some words spoken by your girlfriend or friend may sound especially painful. However, after reflecting on what was said and allowing time, you will be able to understand why that person said such a thing.

If you live with the person who hurt you, find another place to live for a while, if possible. If you don't live together, make it clear that you need some time away from her and that you'll find her when you're ready

Part 2 of 3: Talking to the person

Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 6
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 6

Step 1. Think before you speak

Before talking to the person, think about how you want to start the conversation and what you would like to say. While you may be filled with rancor, angry, hurt, or confused, it's important to find a way to express those emotions gently, rather than exploding or saying something you don't want to say. Take a deep breath and try to act as reasonably as possible before and after each comment.

  • Before opening your mouth to say anything, ask yourself how it will sound or be interpreted by the other person. Your words can hurt the other, leaving you in a position to forgive and need to be forgiven.
  • Try to write what you want to say and even rehearse in front of the mirror so that you can say exactly what you want to say.
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 7
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 7

Step 2. Express your feelings

As part of the conversation, tell how you felt about the other person's actions. Be as honest as possible and express the pain you've been experiencing. Be honest with your emotions to show that the other person really hurt you and that it was difficult to deal with the situation. Make eye contact and speak slowly, showing that you really feel what you are saying.

  • Make first person singular statements such as, "I felt hurt when you betrayed me because I was faithful and devoted and expected the same from you," or "I felt upset when you spoke ill of me because I don't think you did." nothing to deserve it".
  • Use this basic formula: "I felt_ when _ because _". Focus on talking about your feelings, not the negative things the person has done.
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 8
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 8

Step 3. Listen to her side, every coin has two sides

Listen to what the person has to say and let them talk without interruption, trying to see their side.

  • To be a good listener, make eye contact, keep an open mind, and leave distractions like your cell phone aside. Also, try to provide adequate feedback by asking for clarification or paraphrasing what was said.
  • For example, after hearing something, clarify and paraphrase what was said, saying: "You said that…".
  • Don't be combative or defensive. If you get angry about something that has been said, take a deep breath or step back from the situation for a moment.
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 9
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 9

Step 4. Show compassion

This may be the last thing you want to demonstrate when you're hurting with someone, but putting yourself in the other person's shoes and thinking about how they might be feeling can help you realize that you're not so angry or upset with them. Ask questions and put prejudices aside. Listen and be truly receptive.

Empathy and forgiveness are closely linked, and it is virtually impossible to forgive someone without empathizing with the person

Part 3 of 3: Moving Forward

Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 10
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 10

Step 1. Spend time away from the person if necessary

Assess whether or not you need time away from the person who hurt you. If you do, there's nothing wrong with saying you need a few weeks or months, or even wanting to separate until you feel ready to spend more time with the person who hurt you again. Make this clear so she stops trying to get things back to normal before you're ready.

Be sincere. Say something like, "I'm not quite ready to see you again. I hope you can respect that."

Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 11
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 11

Step 2. Take small steps to fix the relationship

When you're ready to move on with the person, slowly resume the relationship. Remember that things will not go back to normal right away. See the person once or twice a week instead of every day, or hang out with other friends before the two of you get back to doing more intimate and personal things.

  • If the relationship is loving, treat the situation like a first date. You don't have to hug, cuddle or hold hands if you're not ready to act like you used to.
  • In addition to taking small steps to get the relationship back on track, you will need practice and small steps to learn to forgive fully. Therefore, mending the relationship slowly will help you to forgive.
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 12
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 12

Step 3. Leave the past behind

Avoid reliving the past as you move forward with the relationship. Reflecting on the past will limit your ability to trust the other, creating a stifling relationship. You don't necessarily need to "forgive and forget," but you must forgive and learn from the experience. If you have been betrayed but decided to forgive, understand that you are now able to recognize the signs of possible betrayal or to think about what may have caused the infidelity and prevent it from happening again. Let each situation be a learning opportunity to strengthen the relationship.

When you find yourself reliving the past, focus on the present moment. Practice full concentration by breathing deeply and focusing on exactly what is in front of you, such as the smell of the room, conversation with a friend, etc

Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 13
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 13

Step 4. Decide whether you can really forgive and move on

Be honest with yourself and admit whether or not you can forgive this person. Unfortunately, there may be situations where you will feel ready to forgive, but after you spend some time with the person again, you will find that you can't. If you think over and over about how much you've been hurt every time you go out with this person, you might want to end the relationship.

Insisting on a friendship or love relationship after realizing that you are unable to forgive is bad for both sides. You may become bitter or resentful, and that is not healthy. When you realize that forgiveness is not possible, end the relationship as soon as possible

Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 14
Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You Step 14

Step 5. Forgive and love yourself

A crucial part of forgiving and moving forward is being able to love and forgive yourself. You're likely to be much harder on yourself than you are on others, and you may feel that you don't deserve to be loved or that you've been too hard on the person who hurt you.

Understand that you did the best you could have done at that time and accept what happened. Try to take it easy on yourself and learn to love yourself by cultivating gentle thoughts about yourself and reading self-help books

Tips

Find ways to express feelings - draw, write, do physical activities, etc

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