How to Win a Discussion (with Images)

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How to Win a Discussion (with Images)
How to Win a Discussion (with Images)

Video: How to Win a Discussion (with Images)

Video: How to Win a Discussion (with Images)
Video: 4 Social Skills SECRETS that Make You Attractive AF 2024, March
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Arguing with someone can be an extremely stressful experience. You can get so caught up in "winning" that you forget to listen to the other person. Staying calm, taking a break, and arguing calmly and rationally (instead of yelling, raising your voice, or crying) can make all the difference. There are no guarantees of winning, but you will do well and can take what you learn to successful future discussions.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Express Yourself Properly

Win an Argument Step 1
Win an Argument Step 1

Step 1. Stay calm

One of the keys to winning the argument is to stay calm. The more angry and upset you become, the more difficult it will be to communicate your point of view effectively. It takes practice and the better you are able to take control of your temper, the easier it will be to argue effectively.

  • If this is not possible, remember to breathe during the discussion. It can be tempting to speak as fast and loud as possible, but the longer it takes you to say what you need to say, the calmer you will remain.
  • Keep your body language open and not defensive. You can use your body to trick your brain and calm it down. Don't cross your arms in front of your chest, keep them loose at your side and use them to communicate.
  • Don't raise your voice. Work to keep your voice even. If you often cry in emotional moments, such as anger, work on your breathing. Breathe in and count to a certain number (like 4) and then breathe out, extending the count two more beats (like 6). This helps to stay calm.
Win an Argument Step 2
Win an Argument Step 2

Step 2. Let go of the need to have the final say

Before getting into a big conflict, remember that you won't always have the final say, even if you're right. Be content to argue the point well and effectively, even if it doesn't change the other person's mind. This means that the discussion will not continue as both sides refuse to give the final word to the other.

A little extra comment can be very harmful if you're in a relationship with the person you're arguing with (if you're not, news gets around and it can end up doing more harm in the long run). If the discussion has come to an end, both sides have put forward their views and there is nothing more to say. Leave things as they are

Win an Argument Step 3
Win an Argument Step 3

Step 3. Stop for a moment

It's the best thing to do before getting into an argument so that you and the other person have a chance to take a deep breath and organize what you have to say. It may help to let the subject or issues rest for a while before dealing with them.

  • You can do this with your partner, boss, friend, etc. When a problem arises and causes friction, ask for some space and time to think and then set a time to discuss the matter.
  • Example: You and your partner have started fighting about washing the dishes, which leads to you accusing him of not doing an equal part of the housework (a common problem). Say, "I want to talk, but I need time to clear my head and be able to talk about it calmly. How about tomorrow after work?" So you take time to think about reasons for feeling this way, give specific examples, and offer a possible solution.
  • It might be a good time to think about whether the discussion is worth it. Too often things that come up in the heat of the moment turn out to be nothing when you get a chance to step back and see things clearly.
Win an Argument Step 4
Win an Argument Step 4

Step 4. Be open to listening to the other person's side

There is often no right side to the discussions, but two alternative views and different interpretations. You need to be open to other versions and their examples, even if you don't agree in the end. Other people can (and probably will) raise valid questions.

  • For example, you and your boss start arguing about how he treats you (you think he's intimidating and says incredibly hurtful things). He says your behavior is the problem. Stop and think. Perhaps your attitude made things worse (instead of immediately confronting you about your behavior, you took a more passive-aggressive approach). Admitting your share of blame will calm him down, because you're acknowledging your share of responsibility in the problem, while explaining that your behavior was linked to and triggered by his.
  • Watch your instinctive reactions (which is why taking time to think is so helpful). What you found immediately may not be true (for example, if someone offers evidence or arguments that challenge your worldview). Try to research reliable sources before you start screaming from the rooftops about how right you are.
  • In some situations you may get into conversations with someone who is totally and completely wrong (usually when discussing issues like racism or gender discrimination etc). You won't win this argument because the other person will almost never abandon their worldview (like believing that racism or sexism doesn't exist). Don't encourage this person.

Part 2 of 3: During the Discussion

Win an Argument Step 5
Win an Argument Step 5

Step 1. Have a positive intention

For an argument to end well, especially well in your favor, you need to convince the other side that you mean well during your argument. If you think the discussion has some purpose in your relationship with the other person, they will feel it and you'll have a better chance of communicating what you're thinking.

  • Before entering the discussion, remember why you care about this person and the relationship (it could be something as simple as "this is my boss and I will need his goodwill someday" or "this is my daughter, I like her a lot and I am worried about the decisions she's been making lately").
  • That doesn't mean you need to be condescending. Never say "I'm saying it for your own good" or "I just want you to be a better person." The person will close down completely.
Win an Argument Step 6
Win an Argument Step 6

Step 2. Be present in the moment

This means acknowledging what is happening to you rather than trying to get the argument over with. That means not getting into a loudspeaker competition and considering it's all over. This means paying attention to the other person's feelings and arguments.

  • Try to avoid arguing in a place with too many people and too many distractions. Don't have this kind of discussion when you're going to be interrupted by phone calls and text messages (better to turn off your cell phone or put it on silent).
  • Give what's happening to you a name. This means that when your heart starts to race and your hands start to sweat, you describe what's happening in words (example: I'm anxious because I'm afraid this discussion will make my wife abandon me, etc).
Win an Argument Step 7
Win an Argument Step 7

Step 3. State your points

The clearer and more specific they are, the easier it will be to make the other person understand what you mean. You don't have to make vague generalizations like "you never help around the house" because inevitably the other person will quote once they helped and won't disregard what you said.

  • The more specific the better: if you're fighting with your boss, for example, offer specific examples of a time he treated you badly and describe how you felt (bad-mouthing your performance in front of other people, using name-calling, things he did said about you behind your back, etc).
  • That's why when a problem happens in a relationship (anyone), you should document it to show that it's a pattern and not an isolated incident.
  • If you're arguing about politics or religion, just talk about what you really know. You need to present specific facts and avoid logical fallacies (discussed below). Remember that, especially in these kinds of matters, people have a hard time staying calm and presenting their points of view in a rational way.
Win an Argument Step 8
Win an Argument Step 8

Step 4. Listen

You need to really listen to the other person and consider their point of view. A discussion involves two (or more) people who have different views on something. It's rare that one of them is completely wrong and the other completely right. To win the argument you need to pay attention to the other person's feeling that they have been heard and that their arguments have been considered.

  • When the other person is talking, look into their eyes and really listen. Don't start thinking about what you're going to say next before she's finished talking.
  • If you get distracted or confused, ask questions to make sure you understand what was said.
  • That's why it's good to talk in a place without distractions, to just focus on the conversation. If you can't choose the place, look for a reserved corner that is away from the eyes of others.
Win an Argument Step 9
Win an Argument Step 9

Step 5. Manage your reactions

It can be very easy to get carried away by the discussion in the heat of the moment. You might get upset or even annoyed. This is perfectly normal, but the best thing to do is to try to stay calm by keeping your breath deep down to your belly.

  • It can often be good to tell the other person how you are feeling. Say something like, "Sorry, but I'm pretty upset to hear you say I'm lazy. What did I do to make you think that?"
  • NEVER resort to name calling and physical violence. These behaviors are incredibly harmful and abusive and there is no reason to use these tactics (the only reason to use violence is if someone hurts you and you fear for your life; try to get out of the situation as soon as possible).
  • Avoid treating people like idiots (regardless of your opinion) by being arrogant, sarcastic, imitating what they say or laughing when they express their concerns.
Win an Argument Step 10
Win an Argument Step 10

Step 6. Avoid certain expressions

Some expressions seem to have been created to annoy. If you want to have a real conversation (and not just break up with someone or impose your point of view), avoid them like a disease.

  • "In the end…" – This expression doesn't have much meaning, but it can make your opponent want to punch you.
  • "Playing devil's advocate…" – People who use this expression think they're above all else, like listening to the other person (they pretend to do this, but all they want is to impose their point of view [usually the point of view devil's advocate view.] Either that or they just want to direct the conversation.
  • "Whatever…" – If you're trying to talk to someone and you or the other person keep making comments like "whatever…" or "whatever…" to the points raised, you're not managing to respectfully engage and need to postpone the discussion for another time or indefinitely.

Part 3 of 3: Avoid Logical Fallacies

Win an Argument Step 11
Win an Argument Step 11

Step 1. Understand what logical fallacies are

There are certain arguments that can weaken your argument because they are based on faulty reasoning. If you are relying on logical fallacies to convince your opponent, reconsider your argument.

  • That's why it's a good idea to get a sense of what you mean before the conversation. So you can see if there are holes or fallacies in the argument.
  • If you notice that the person talking to you is using one of these fallacies, point that out. You might say, for example, "You said that 70% of people don't support gay marriage, but that could also be said about slavery 100 years ago. Do you want to base your argument on that fact?"
Win an Argument Step 12
Win an Argument Step 12

Step 2. Avoid using a scarecrow

This kind of fallacy is very apparent and happens when you basically oversimplify the opponent's argument and then argue against the imaginary point you say he's defending rather than the real one (which is why listening is so important).

  • An example of this case is "all feminists hate men" and then argue against that rather than address the concerns they all have about gender equality (ignoring the pay gap, gender violence, research showing that men tend to dominate discussions).
  • This type of argument deflects the conversation because the other person (or you) is forced to keep explaining that your point of view is more complex than "you never do anything right" to your partner.
Win an Argument Step 13
Win an Argument Step 13

Step 3. Avoid moral equivalence

This fallacy involves comparing small mistakes with big atrocities. It always happens in the political sphere and it is something to be avoided because it irritates the other person and they tend to listen less to your point of view.

  • An example is comparing President Dilma (or Fernando Henrique or someone else) with Hitler. This basically means to say that someone who is doing something you don't agree with is similar to someone who orchestrated the most horrible large-scale murder of entire groups of people. Unless someone is carrying out systematic genocide, avoid comparison with Hitler.
  • If your argument depends on moral equivalence, think again about what you really mean.
Win an Argument Step 14
Win an Argument Step 14

Step 4. Avoid “ad hominem” attacks a lot

This is basically when you attack someone based on their appearance and their character rather than arguing against their opinions. Women, especially, are the target of this type of attack on their physical appearance regardless of what they are talking about.

  • Example: you are arguing with your mother, calling her an idiot or crazy has nothing to do with the argument and everything to do with her character.
  • These types of attacks only make the other side less open to your point of view. If you are being attacked in this way, point out that fact or leave the discussion (often people who make personal attacks are not open to listening to your side).
Win an Argument Step 15
Win an Argument Step 15

Step 5. Don't fall for the “ad populum” fallacy

She appeals to emotions, talking about "positive" and "negative" concepts rather than the actual argument. This fallacy is also widely used in the political sphere.

Example of “ad populum”: "If you don't support the Iraq war, you're not a real American (you're a terrorist)." Saying something like that when discussing a real problem, regardless of the validity of the reason for the war, is just bringing up the patriotism of those who don't support the war, which is basically useless and means nothing

Win an Argument Step 16
Win an Argument Step 16

Step 6. Don't use the slippery slope fallacy

It is widely used in different spheres: political, personal, social. It may sound very convincing, but it doesn't stand up to further scrutiny. It basically bases a conclusion on the idea that if A happens, then a sequence of small steps (B, C, D…) X, Y, Z will also happen. This fallacy equates A with Z, saying that not doing A means that Z won't happen.

Example: Any restriction on the purchase of weapons by the government means that it wants to take away all rights from citizens. If A is the restriction on the purchase of weapons, the Z will happen, which is the government taking away all rights from the people. A does not lead directly to Z (there would be many steps along the way)

Win an Argument Step 17
Win an Argument Step 17

Step 7. Avoid hasty generalizations

They are conclusions based on too little information or on faulty or biased data. You do this when you rush to come to a conclusion or argue without gathering all the facts first.

Example: Your friend's new girlfriend hates you, even if you only interacted with her once. The problem here is that there was only one encounter. The girlfriend can be shy or having a bad day. There's not enough evidence to know she hates you

Tips

It's better to talk in person (unless you're afraid for your life). If you are arguing over the phone, follow the instructions to stay calm and take a deep breath and be specific about the situation

Notices

  • Do not engage in discussions on social media such as Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, etc. No one ever wins these fights and the people who start them tend to be “trolls” (people who systematically insult and provoke users into reacting).
  • Keep in mind that this article can only give you tips to increase your probability of winning the argument, but it cannot guarantee victory.

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