Many widows find it difficult to get on with life, even in the most basic aspects. The idea of dating and falling in love again after a loss may seem like an impossible mountain to climb for many. Are you interested in dating a person who has lost a partner? You've come to the right place, because below you will learn to follow the relationship in a healthy and respectful way. Come on?
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Understanding Your Partner's Needs
Step 1. Recognize the deceased partner's place in your girlfriend's life
She loved (and probably still loves) the man she lost, and that loss will always be present in her life, on different levels. If you want to get into a relationship with a widow, you have to accept it, deal with it, and learn to support her as best you can.
It's normal to be uncomfortable at first, after all, death is always a sensitive subject. It's even harder to get over the situation when death affects someone we care about. Avoid the temptation to ignore these feelings
Step 2. Accept her right to keep memories of her previous spouse
These are precious items that your partner has every right to want to keep. Instead of being hostile, be respectful and try not to interpret these objects as a threat to your relationship. If you ever live together, you can talk about what to do.
Step 3. Don't avoid conversations about the old partner
Let your girlfriend talk about death and what she's feeling. It's okay to be uncomfortable with this conversation, but try to keep an open mind and be respectful. Avoiding the issue will not help yourself, your partner, or the relationship.
- A few moments will trigger memories of the deceased. If she wants to share them with you, listen patiently and encourage her! Trust me, this is her way of showing that she cares about you and wants to strengthen the bonds.
- Show interest during these conversations. Show that you are listening by nodding your head and looking into her eyes. Keep your head open!
- Try to know more about the boy's life. What kind of partner was he? How was their life together? Asking questions like "Looks like the trip to Barbados was pretty cool. What other trips did you take together?" or "What were Marcio's hobbies?" will demonstrate that you care.
Step 4. Respect lonely mourning moments
We don't always want to share our suffering with others, and she may not want to share some aspects of the relationship, such as the time of passing, as they are very painful. She'll talk about it when she's emotionally prepared.
Step 5. Be careful when talking about the previous spouse
Never call him "ex," for example, as that term implies that the relationship ended with a choice, not an unhappy and sad event. If possible, refer to him by name or by terms like "deceased" without ever making jokes.
Step 6. Avoid using common platitudes to try to comfort her
It's very tempting to say that the deceased is "no longer in pain" or "is at peace" to bring a little comfort to your girlfriend, but be aware that these overused phrases hardly alleviate feelings of grief. No matter what the circumstances of her death were or her partner's attempts to move on, a part of her will surely think of the life she could have.
A good way to offer your comfort would be to say something like, "I imagine this is quite painful. Do you want to talk?" or "I'm always here if you need company." Show your support by offering your presence
Step 7. Know that the person will go through ups and downs
Even seemingly harmless events can trigger moments of sadness in a person. Seeing the deceased's favorite food in the market or watching the advertisement of his favorite program on TV are things that can make him sad, for example. Be around, and don't be surprised by her discomfort, as these moments are normal, even after years.
Step 8. Respect her grief on special occasions and anniversaries
Birthdays of birth, marriage and death are often very difficult. The best thing to do is be present and ask her if she would like to do anything on these dates.
Always ask if she would like company or prefer to be alone. Respect her decision
Step 9. Suggest therapy if grief seems too long
Do an internet search on the symptoms and signs of complicated grief, which can include extreme reactions of daily suffering for months, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, and an extreme desire to be with the departed person - sometimes even reaching the end. point of self-mutilation. Help your partner to seek professional assistance if this is the case.
Method 2 of 3: Building the Relationship
Step 1. Take it easy at first
Don't enter the relationship expecting immediate commitment. On the contrary, get to know each other slowly and form bonds over time. Dating after a partner has passed is often a very intimidating process, and your girlfriend is likely not wanting to rush things. It's understandable.
Step 2. Ask her about her expectations for the relationship
Many people date with the intention of forming a committed, long-term relationship, and widows are no exception. Talk to your partner about what you're both looking for, and if you want the same thing, move on! If they feel they want different things, it's best to put a full stop now.
To start this conversation: "Can we talk about where we see the relationship in the future?" or "Can we talk about whether or not we are interested in a serious relationship?"
Step 3. Build new memories and traditions together
The fact that your partner is a widow should not define your relationship, despite the impact it will have on the relationship. It is possible to strengthen dating by trying new things; the idea is not to erase the memories of the deceased, but to create things that define the relationship between the two of you.
You could try out several restaurants to choose a favorite and create a tradition of visiting it often, for example. Another option would be to try a new hobby together! Even simple things like telling jokes or cooking can strengthen your bonds
Step 4. Talk honestly about your insecurities
Dating a widow can present new and unexpected challenges for you. It's normal to feel uncomfortable hearing her talk about the deceased, and you will certainly compare yourself to him. Your partner will probably be afraid of losing you, but you need to talk a lot about your feelings to understand and overcome them.
A good way to start this conversation: "I feel uncomfortable when you compare my hair to Lucio's. It's important that you see me as a unique person." Be emphatic when explaining how you feel about a certain behavior, as this will help you reach a solution
Step 5. Get to know your partner's children, if they decide to establish a relationship
They must adjust to you at their own pace, as the idea of a stepfather can be difficult to accept. Be careful to avoid the impression that you are trying to play the role of their father.
- Introduce yourself, but don't try to participate in family activities right away. Her kids may need a little time to get used to her presence.
- Follow your partner, as she knows her children better than anyone else. Ask about the best way to get to know the children and try to learn more about their interests. It might be better to start by showing up for dinner one night or accompanying your girlfriend to one of the kids' extracurricular activities. More casual encounters like this ease the tension.
Method 3 of 3: Taking care of yourself
Step 1. Be careful not to emulate the deceased partner
It's tempting to want to ease the transition by faking the appearance or taking on the responsibilities of the person who died, but you must always be your own person. Don't try to act as a stand-in for your girlfriend's ex-partner as this is an impossible role to take on. You'll only be hurt in the long run, and it won't help the relationship at all.
Step 2. Remember that the deceased is not a threat to the relationship
Your presence in the other person's life is a sign that they are trying to overcome pain and loss, and the relationship symbolizes a chapter that will develop into a wonderful and complete experience for both of you.
Step 3. Be assertive about behaviors that make you uncomfortable, but don't let go of empathy
Your partner may do or say things that hurt you, comparing you to the deceased or referring to your relationship as "inferior" in some way. It's normal to be upset about this, but you should talk to come up with a solution that pleases both of you.
Step 4. Seek psychological help if you are suffering
If you are experiencing extreme anxiety or sadness about your role in your partner's life, it is ideal to seek out a professional. It can help you understand your feelings and deal with them in a healthy way.
Tips
- Take care of yourself and remember to focus on your physical and emotional needs too! The secret to a successful relationship is mutual happiness.
- Be patient and open-minded. Grief is often spontaneous and often incomprehensible. Let the person feel emotions naturally without discouraging them.
- Remember that your relationship with the person is just as important as the relationship they had with the deceased. Insecurity is quite common for someone who is dating a widow, but it is necessary to learn to live knowing that a part of her affection will always be with someone else. The important thing is that she chooses to move on with you, a new chapter in life. Remember this whenever insecurity starts knocking on the door.
If the person has children, it's better that you talk to them together. You can say something like, "I know how much you love your father, and I completely understand the hesitation with my arrival. I want you to know that I will never try to occupy his space, but your mother is very special to me and I would like to meet you them better"
Notices
- Try not to compare the person's loss to a termination or some other loss on a different scale. These situations are not comparable and do not produce the same level of suffering. Unless you've already lost a partner, it's going to be difficult to make any comparisons.
- Don't make "jokes with the deceased" to relax the atmosphere, as this can alienate the person and end the relationship.