It's hard to get over a hurt when it comes from someone you love very much. As much as the best thing to do seems to be to turn love into hate, doing so will only make the situation more difficult, as hate is not the opposite of love - both are strong emotions that drain our energies for different purposes. If you want to stop feeling pain for having lost someone you love (whether through a breakup, an ugly fight or death, for example), the best thing to do is organize your feelings and get on with life.
Part 1 of 5: Getting Rid of Memories
Step 1. Delete the other person's contact
If she is no longer a part of your life, the best thing to do is to cut the ties completely. Delete her contact from her cell phone and e-mail address from her address book so she doesn't send messages or call when she's down.
- You probably remember the person's phone or email address, but delete their data from cell phones, computers, tablets, etc. it can make an impulsive attempt at contact difficult.
- For example, by deleting your ex's information from your cell phone, you cut the temptation to simply tap her name and send a message. At least that way you will need to think more before doing it.
Step 2. Block the person's number
If she still calls or texts you, download an app to block all attempts to contact her and not even receive notifications.
This is even more important if you're trying hard to get the person out of your mind, because every time they try to contact you, you're tempted to respond
Step 3. Filter the emails
If you exchanged messages via email, create a spam filter to direct all messages from the person in question to another folder. Each email provider has a different way of filtering messages: click here to learn more.
Step 4. Block the person from social media
If you're having trouble getting over a breakup, seeing the person on social media is a bad idea. Don't just delete it; block it so you don't see anything it posts and vice versa.
Sometimes it's tempting to see what the person is doing on Facebook or Instagram, but be strong! Don't open her profile, or you'll find it even harder to get on with your life
Step 5. Delete previous conversations
Delete text messages, emails, Facebook chat, etc. You have better things to do than mull over old conversations.
Step 6. Think carefully before deleting photos
Before cleaning up the photos you took while you were together, think carefully if the photos describe a part of your life that you want to forget forever.
- In the future, you may look back and see the relationship with new eyes.
- If there's a chance you'll regret deleting the photos, keep them in a box or a flash drive. Give them to a friend to take care of them until you feel good enough to look at them.
Step 7. Store physical memories in a box
Do a sweep of the house and get everything that reminds you of the other person. Keep such objects in a box until you are ready to deal with them.
- It is possible that at some point you will want to donate or burn the items. For now, it's best to save them so you don't keep remembering what you lost all the time.
- If you choose to burn things, do so in a safe place where fires are legal.
Part 2 of 5: Working on Feelings
Step 1. Know that you have control over how you feel
Several studies show that it is easier for us to control feelings when we see them as scientific and controlled data (albeit unpredictable) in the experiment of life.
- If you received unexpected results in a scientific experiment, you would look at the tests involved to find the point where everything went out of pattern. You would also look at the results based on that point to come up with a plan for the next steps. Dealing with your emotions in such a way may seem like sociopathic behavior, but it's helpful.
- As much as you may not seem to have control over your feelings, with a little insistence you can train your brain to respond in a controlled way - to see things calmly and objectively, rather than taking them personally, by example.
Step 2. Accept what you are feeling
Losing a loved one can put us in a whirlwind of emotions: fear, sadness, anger, disbelief, shock and even relief and happiness. Chances are you feel some of them at the same time.
- Don't fight what you're feeling, but accept the emotions. Try taking a step back and watching your emotions "from the outside." Always remember that what you are feeling is completely natural and stay calm.
- Repeat to yourself, "I'm suffering from the breakup of my relationship, and all these emotions are involved."
Step 3. Record your feelings
Put them down on paper or record yourself talking about the situation. The most important thing here is not to let your feelings get stuck in there, as this will not help you move on with your life.
- Some experts recommend writing in a journal every day to get in touch with your feelings and figure out how to overcome them.
- When you get overwhelmed in the middle of the street or at an appointment and feel like you need to let off steam, grab a notebook or text app on your cell phone and write down what you're feeling.
- Putting everything down on paper can help you, especially if you ever want to communicate with the person in question. Instead of contacting her, write a letter or record what you would say, but keep the message and audio. It's important to get it all out, but just for you. If you like, destroy the letter or recording later.
Step 4. Don't blame yourself for everything
Creating and ending a relationship requires two people. You don't have complete control over the relationship, only yourself. Remember this!
- Don't go over the relationship over and over in your head or dwell on what could have been done differently. It's over, and maybe you don't have much to blame at the registry. Most likely, you two wanted different things out of life.
- Instead of questioning yourself and putting yourself down, think about what could have changed in your behavior and use that information to grow as a person and move forward.
- Instead of putting yourself down, take care of yourself. Take pride in having the maturity to want to grow from this bad experience.
Step 5. Remember the bad stuff
When relationships come to an end, many people focus on the good things and torture themselves by thinking about what they are missing. By remembering the bad things about the relationship, you can begin to see the breakup as a positive thing.
- In addition to thinking about the things you didn't like about the person and the relationship, try to remember the things you didn't like but the person made blossom in you - for example, "When I was with you, I left my friends and didn't run after of my hobbies. I felt like I was just becoming a version of you."
- List all the bad things about the relationship, but leave the list in a safe place or destroy it. Don't show it to anyone, especially the person you are trying to outdo. The list will only bring discord and hinder your peace of mind.
Step 6. Don't hate the person
The behavior of the other person who hurt you probably stemmed from her inner hurt, so it's important to view her with compassion.
Instead of feeling hate or anger, try feeling bad for the person. It's possible that she's dealing with something, even on a subconscious level, that you don't understand or don't know
Step 7. Talk about your feelings with someone you trust
Several studies show that people recover more quickly from trauma when they talk about the situation. It doesn't matter if you are going to unburden yourself with a close friend or relative, find someone who will take you seriously and will comfort you.
- Don't talk to people who will belittle your feelings, or you'll get even worse.
- If you are suffering a lot, see a therapist. The professional can help you with practical advice on how to move forward.
- As healthy as it is to discuss feelings, don't limit your life to talking about them so as not to alienate those closest to you. If you think you're talking too much about the topic, ask how the person listening to you is feeling. A good friend will tell you what's going on without hurting you.
Step 8. Don't dwell on feelings
Several studies show that, no matter how necessary it is to express feelings, brooding over them can cause negative consequences similar to the consequences of keeping feelings inside.
By focusing on yourself and not taking action to improve your mood, you may end up developing long-term depression
Step 9. Be patient, recovering from the end of a relationship takes time
Don't expect to get over the situation overnight. You may never stop loving the person in question, but over time the love will diminish.
One day, you will probably be able to look back and laugh at how much you thought you loved the person. In the future, you will only see it as a memory from another time in your life
Step 10. Stay positive
You will go through good and bad days as you try to outdo the person. Reinforcing positivity is not about ignoring the bad days, but about believing the good ones will come back.
It can be difficult to get out of bed in a few days, and there's nothing wrong with that. Keep a positive attitude and enjoy the day in bed reading or watching movies. If you want, listen to sad music and cry all day long! Repeat to yourself, "Okay, I'll take it off today to acknowledge my sadness, but tomorrow I'll be fine. I know I'm strong enough to get over it."
Part 3 of 5: Overcoming the Situation with Mind Tricks
Step 1. See your relationship as an experiment
Analyze the data from the failed relationship and ask yourself: where did it all go wrong? Studies show that scientifically analyzing a relationship can help you get to know yourself better and recover faster from the breakup.
- Take a step back from the situation and see what factors likely contributed to the breakup. Don't spend too much time on it, however; the idea is to learn from the situation and grow, not kicking yourself for what went wrong.
- There's no need to just think about what went wrong. Sometimes you will find that the relationship ended because you are very different people with different life goals.
- Try to spend a few hours at this, treating the relationship as a real experiment, with tables and graphs.
Step 2. Learn a lesson
It's easier to accept mistakes by seeing them as learning opportunities. See the end of the relationship as a positive opportunity to learn and grow in life.
Some people feel that the relationship was a waste of time. By seeing the relationship as an apprenticeship, you didn't waste any time. The things that help you grow are not a waste of time
Step 3. Separate who you are from the other person
When you lose a loved one, it can feel like half of you is missing. Rebuild your identity away from the person you loved and lost so you can move on.
A good writing exercise to reconstruct identity is to take a sheet of notebook paper and write "Who am I?" or "What makes me me?" Answer the questions
Step 4. Don't forbid yourself to think about the person
Some studies show that forbidding yourself to think about something will only make you think more about the thing in question.
Instead of repeating that you won't think about your ex as soon as you feel the memory of her coming, remind yourself that she is no longer a part of your life and redirect your attention to something that will benefit you
Step 5. Take a few minutes each day to think about the person
When someone we love leaves us, our minds are consumed by thoughts of her. Repeating to yourself that you shouldn't think about her won't work, but saying something like "Not now, later" does.
- Whenever a thought about the person comes into your mind, push it away and repeat that you will think about it later, when you reach the time you set earlier.
- When the time comes, sit quietly and think about the person as much as you like. Set an alarm clock so you don't spend too much time mulling over the situation. In the beginning, set aside two ten-minute periods a day, one in the morning and one in the evening.
- Don't let the thought session be the last thing you think about every night. If possible, read a book or practice yoga before bed; thoughts may come, but you must push them away until the next session.
Step 6. Visualize yourself letting go
Sit in a comfortable place and imagine a box in front of you. Store all memories in it and close the lid.
Hold the imaginary box and destroy it. When thoughts come back into your head, repeat something like "No, you're already gone" and think of something else
Step 7. Live in the present
Focus on the moment you are living in every day. Going over the past or imagining the future will only make you want to be in another time. You are in the present, live in it.
- Create goals and strive to reach them, but don't think about them all the time. By focusing too much on the future, you will forget about the things that need to be done in the present to reach it.
- You don't want to look back a year from now and realize you've wasted a year feeling down and doing nothing because you're sad about your breakup, do you?
Step 8. Smile
Several studies prove that the simple act of smiling, even when you are unhappy, can help you to be happy. Put this into practice right now: open a smile and hold it for at least half a minute.
- At the very least, you'll find it amusing to be making a silly face, looking at the computer to try to really smile.
- If you're having trouble smiling, watch a comedy movie or a funny puppy video on the internet.
Part 4 of 5: Staying healthy
Step 1. Live on your own
Take steps to prevent you from giving in to the temptation to contact the person you are trying to overcome. Plan outings and appointments for the nights you know you'll miss the person most. Keep busy!
If you know you're going to be lonely on Friday nights, plan something to do after work, even when you're depressed and don't want to do anything. Make plans and try to live in the present while you're with your friends
Step 2. Have fun alone and with others
Socialize and put new hobbies into practice or pick up old activities. Have fun without the person you loved; as impossible as it sounds, you are capable of it.
- You have to do things to cheer yourself up, or you'll brood over the situation and get depressed.
- Examples of activities that can cheer you up: music, art, sports, dance, movies, games, books, cooking, festivals and plays, museums, etc.
Step 3. Find a new addiction
Experts say that the best way to get rid of an old habit is to adopt a new one. Start a new hobby or rediscover your love for a past hobby.
- When you start to feel sad and feel that something is missing, redirect your energies to the new habit.
- This doesn't mean you should start looking for a new person or trying to replace the one you loved. Don't do this until you've passed the term.
Step 4. Find out who you are
It's pretty hard to move on after a breakup when you feel like a part of you is missing. Rebuild your identity yourself.
A good way to do this is to spend time alone and explore your desires and feelings, which may not be possible in the first few weeks post-breakup. You'll know you're ready when you haven't been thinking about the person all day
Step 5. Take care of yourself
When dealing with suffering, it's important to take care of yourself mentally and physically. Do things that leave you feeling good inside and out!
- Eat well, drink plenty of water, get enough sleep and exercise. If you want, meditate, cut your hair or buy new clothes.
- Stress is the main cause of new addictions, and that includes past relationships. If you're feeling overwhelmed, tired, or stressed, you'll have a harder time resisting the temptation to connect with the person you're trying to get over.
- Studies show that taking care of the parts of yourself that you neglected during your relationship can help you move forward.
Step 6. Avoid unhealthy things
Think about the harmful behaviors you resort to when you get stressed or annoyed and avoid them. Some harmful things that are often put into practice during breakups include:
- Drinking to excess, taking drugs, disrupting your diet (eating too much or too little), isolating yourself from others, behaving aggressively or violently, spending too much time on the internet. It is also important to avoid any excesses, such as playing video games, shopping, exercising, etc.
- For example, if you know that you tend to overeat, fight this by going for a walk or doing a craft when you feel like eating. Get moving and do something!
Step 7. Don't seek revenge
It is very common to feel like taking justice into your own hands when you feel wronged. Studies indicate, however, that revenge will only add to your stress and harm your health.
Some research shows that revenge can make you review a situation over and over in your head. Not chasing retribution can make situations less meaningful and easier to forget
Step 8. Know your self-worth
You are a worthy person and you were not thrown in the trash by the person you loved. Things didn't work out, but it's not your fault. Knowing that you have self-worth is important, but don't let yourself think that you are worth more than others, as this is harmful.
If you're having trouble recognizing your value, sit down and write a list of the things you like about yourself. It can be difficult, especially at first, but try it every day and before long you'll be able to think of at least five good things about yourself
Part 5 of 5: Moving on
Step 1. Know that you are in control of your life
You are solely responsible for your happiness and your choices. If you don't do the necessary things to lift your mood and change the course of your life, you will remain sad and may develop depression.
If you've been hurt by someone, don't let the situation get worse by falling into the world of depression and stagnating your life
Step 2. Set goals
Having meaningful goals will give you a reason to stop dwelling on the past and start making your life better.
- For example, if you are finishing high school, challenge yourself to study hard to pass the best entrance exams and be able to choose a good college.
- If you don't know what you want out of life, explore the options available. Consult with a teacher or psychologist for tips on life. Alternatively, talk to close friends and family, discussing what you think are your strengths and what the person thinks about them.
Step 3. Know that you will meet someone else
As impossible as it seems now, you will find someone special. When you meet her, you'll be grateful that things didn't work out in the past.
The more mature you are, the more you will know what works. This will help you find someone more compatible with you
Step 4. Learn to identify when to start a new relationship
There is no consensus on how long it takes to get over a termination. Everything varies from person to person; some need a few weeks, others a few years.
- If you keep thinking about your ex frequently, you won't be able to devote the necessary attention to the new relationship.
- Reassurance in yourself before starting a new relationship. If you're scared of being alone, now is not the time to start something new.
- If you're having trouble finding strength, follow an example-for example, a celebrity or a character from your favorite movie that you admire and who has overcome personal problems similar to your own.
- Avoid the temptation to replace the old relationship with a new one right away. It is necessary to take time to feel the emotions, reflect on them, learn and even suffer the loss of the relationship a little. It's not fair to date the new person thinking about the other person.
- Reading can help you escape reality and teach you new things. In some cases, you may be inspired to create your own stories. Participating in someone else's life, even if it's fictional, following their hopes and regrets, can help you escape your own problems and even look at them with new eyes.
- Traveling is a great way to get over a love from the past. The distance will free you up, and however lonely you may be, you will rise above and feel more confident about having done something new in a different place.
- If you believe you may be suffering from depression, see a psychiatrist and psychologist. It's okay to be sad, but not being able to get out of bed for weeks or months is unhealthy. Don't be afraid or ashamed to seek help.
- If you believe that life is not worth living or that, if you cannot have the person in question, no one can, you must seek medical attention. It's horrible to lose someone you love, but you have to move on and learn from even the most devastating experiences. Don't end your life or anyone else's.