It's normal to have some frustrations and insecurities when dating. If your girlfriend is talking to a guy you don't like or trust, you might feel like asking her to stop. Obviously, you have to have a good reason to make the request calmly and respectfully, without making the problem worse. Always be willing to find a happy medium, as your girlfriend may not be willing to accept demands.
Method 1 of 3: Chatting
Step 1. Explain yourself by speaking in the first person
Because it's a sensitive situation, saying something like "I feel…" will help you to reduce tension and focus the discussion on your feelings. Then explain what behavior caused you to feel what you are feeling.
- Don't go up to your girlfriend by saying something like "Flirting with your ex is insensitive and makes me insecure" because you'll sound hostile.
- Instead, assess your thoughts and paraphrase them by saying something like "I feel uncomfortable touching your ex while you're talking, because it feels like you still have feelings for each other."
Step 2. Be direct about what you want
After explaining yourself, make the request, but remember that she may not accept. It's best to ask her to reduce contact or avoid close interactions with the other guy, not ask her not to talk to him anymore.
Say something like "I would feel more comfortable if you guys talked less or didn't show physical affection, especially in front of me."
Step 3. Listen
Asking your girlfriend to change her relationship with someone else is a complicated situation and she should be able to share how she feels, after all, we're not just talking about her life. Let her respond without interruption.
- Demonstrate that you are listening by maintaining eye contact and nodding your head.
- It's a good idea to paraphrase what she says to make it clear that you understand. For example: "So, you feel that your relationship is still important because you were friends before you were dating. Is that it?"
Step 4. Keep calm, as yelling, accusing, and cursing will not help your side
As difficult as it is to stay in control during a confrontation, try to take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are trying to improve your relationship, not start a fight.
Step 5. Focus on the present and discuss the situation that is taking place at the moment
Don't discuss the past or other issues, or your girlfriend will feel judged and become defensive.
Step 6. Be willing to compromise
It is unlikely that the girl will stop talking to someone just because you have asked. It is important that you come to a solution that pleases both of you.
For example, you could agree to let your girlfriend be friends with her ex, whereas she would agree to set clear boundaries and show less physical affection to him
Method 2 of 3: Deciding whether and how to order
Step 1. Think about whether you are being fair
If your concern comes from the other guy looking suspicious, talk to your girlfriend. If the problem is simply jealousy, it's not always a good idea to ask your girlfriend to stop talking to the guy.
- If you are jealous, analyze the situation rationally: do you really believe that your girlfriend will accept your request because of insecurity? Probably not.
- Assess whether the jealousy has to do with that particular guy or not. For example, perhaps the problem is that your girlfriend has less time for you.
- If the issue is jealousy, it's good to talk about the situation so they can resolve it together.
Step 2. Put yourself in the girl's shoes
In any difficult discussion, empathy is needed. Before talking to your girlfriend, stop and think about the situation from her side.
- For example, maybe she's talking to an ex-boyfriend and the two seem to be flirting. As much as such behavior hurts him, maybe she sees it differently.
- Think about how your girlfriend sees the situation: Does she show affection for other friends, regardless of gender? If the answer is yes, maybe that's just her way.
Step 3. Put your thoughts down on paper
Write down everything you're feeling and read what you've written to think about how to express yourself verbally. It's harder to express yourself during a serious conversation: writing everything down beforehand helps a lot.
Don't write what you mean word for word. It's important to be flexible, not reading a script when arguing with your girlfriend
Step 4. Let go of expectations, or you will be frustrated if things go the other way
It's impossible to predict the future and know how your girlfriend will react to your request, so join the conversation willing to listen!
Method 3 of 3: Overcoming Jealousy
Step 1. Take responsibility for your feelings
Unjustified jealousy is your problem, not your girlfriend's. If she's not being unfaithful, that's your problem. Assume jealousy and don't blame external factors.
Step 2. Remember your good qualities, as jealousy often arises through low self-esteem
When you're feeling jealous, remember the good things you bring into the world. Write everything down on paper if necessary.
Remember why your girlfriend is with you. Does she say she loves your sense of humor or your personality? Remember that when you're down
Step 3. Assess jealousy
Jealous people are often insecure or have had problems in the past that contributed to the problem. Did you have a hard time getting attached to people early in life? Have you ever been betrayed in the past? Were your parents unfaithful?
If there are serious issues contributing to jealousy, see a therapist
Step 4. Control your emotions in a healthy way
Demanding your girlfriend to stop talking to someone is not the best way to deal with jealousy! There are other healthier options.
- When thoughts start to get out of control, come back to the present with mindfulness and breathing techniques.
- Try other stress-reduction techniques, such as writing in a journal, exercising, or watching a movie.
Step 5. Develop interests outside the relationship
It's okay to be obsessed with the relationship if it's the only thing in your life right now. Reinforce your friendships and connection with family members. Discover a new hobby and do things that help you not just be focused on your girlfriend's friendships.