Narcissists often try to control other people through manipulation, threats, praise and other means. You might even think it would be cool to turn the tables and control the narcissist, right? While this is not a healthy option, be aware that there are strategies that can help you improve your interactions with a narcissist. Start by setting healthy boundaries to make it clear you're not going to be anyone's doormat. Then learn to respond to the person's behavior to deal with more tense situations. If you are suffering in a relationship with such an individual, seek outside help. Come on?
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Defining Healthy Boundaries
Step 1. Decide which behaviors you will and will not accept
Think about how the person has violated their boundaries in the past and what they would like to change. Whether it's the way she talks, the expectations she has of you, or the way she treats you in general. Make a list of everything she has ever done or said has gone beyond her limits. Some examples of violations:
- Swear words.
- Threats.
- Shout out.
- Blaming you for her problems.
- Excessively criticize or make fun of you.
- Demanding things from you.
- Lie and deny it later.
Step 2. Express your limits in a direct yet gentle way
It is very important to be assertive when saying what you are asking so that there is no doubt about what is acceptable and what is not. However, when dealing with a narcissist, your chances of success increase if you don't make "demands."
- For example, you might say something like "I enjoyed spending time with you, but I'll leave if you call me that again" or "I'm glad you called, but I'll hang up if you keep yelling at me." Keep your voice friendly and calm.
- Don't get mad at the things the other does and says. For example, avoid responses like "You can't talk to me like that! I'm leaving!" or "If you don't stop screaming now, I'm going to hang up!" These phrases are more aggressive and can end up irritating the other person.
Step 3. Follow up on the consequences you promised
After explaining what you expect from the other and what the consequences are for not fulfilling your wishes, see what happens. If the person violates the newly set limits, don't be afraid to do what you've promised.
- For example, let's say you explain that you leave if the guy calls you a nickname he doesn't like. If he calls you that one more time, get up and leave.
- If you told him you'd hang up the phone if she kept screaming, just do it.
Tip: It is important to follow up with your consequence immediately. Don't give a second warning, don't hesitate, and don't give in to an apology.
Step 4. Anticipate changes in the relationship because of your boundaries
As you begin to be more incisive with the person frequently, you will notice a change in your behavior or a decrease in your time together. This will happen when the narcissist notices the changing dynamics of the relationship and understands that he won't get what he wants so easily. That's a good thing, but it can be difficult at first.
- For example, after you set limits on how the other can converse with you, you may find that he or she talks less or ignores you completely.
- Even if the change is very noticeable, don't show that you have noticed any difference in the other person's behavior or in your relationship.
Step 5. Reflect and reorganize if you relax with boundaries
It is normal to slip from time to time, especially when a person learns to go around his limits. If that happens, stop and try to learn how to enforce those boundaries in the future.
- For example, if you promised to leave the house if the person called you names or threatened you again, but you didn't keep your promise, think about what happened. Were you distracted? Did the other say or do something to stop you? How can you overcome this obstacle and maintain your limits in the future?
- Remember that pushing your boundaries will be a frequent part of your relationship with the person. Be persistent and continue to assert yourself regularly.
Method 2 of 3: Responding to Another's Behavior
Step 1. Keep calm, without falling for provocations
Narcissists often make comments to annoy others, but you shouldn't take the bait. Always respond calmly and if you feel irritated, take a deep breath or go out for a walk and calm down.
There is nothing wrong with withdrawing from an abusive situation. If the person is criticizing, cursing, threatening or doing anything else harmful to you, leaving is your right
Step 2. listen carefully when the other speaks.
Narcissistic people like to be the center of attention and talk a lot. Be prepared to listen more than you speak, and show that you are paying attention during your conversations. Some things to do:
- Smiling and nodding, always maintaining eye contact.
- Saying things like "yes", "I understand" and "yeah" to encourage the other to keep talking.
- Ask questions to clarify something, such as "What did you mean when you said you had a bad day?"
Step 3. Distract the other by asking questions about subjects of interest to them
Narcissists love to talk about themselves and share what they know, so asking them something that interests them is a great way to distract them from the aggression. This can be very useful if he is verbally attacking you.
For example, if the person knows a lot about cars, ask a question about it. Or, if she considers herself knowledgeable about money, ask for financial advice
Tip: you may have to wait for her to calm down a bit before asking the question or asking for advice. If the other is giving you ice, wait about 20 minutes and ask a question to distract him.
Step 4. Show empathy for the other person's feelings
As much as narcissists are very capable of empathizing with others, do your best to show that you care about them. Say something to indicate your concern and empathy, bringing you closer together.
- For example: "You must have been very annoyed having to wait so long for a ride."
- Another example: "You seem to be pretty angry right now. What's bothering you?"
Step 5. Refuse to nurture the person's superior self-image
One of the key points of the narcissistic personality is the feeling of superiority. As a result, these people prefer to surround themselves with someone who feeds this image of themselves, but that only makes it worse. Avoid giving the other what he wants when he's bragging about something or looking for praise. Ignore his comments or change the subject.
- For example, if the person has been talking for a while about what a great salesperson she is, say something like, "Yeah… Oh, do you have any idea what you want to do for the weekend?"
- If you want to give a sincere compliment, when deserved, that's fine. Just avoid praising her all the time, as this will only inflate her ego.
Step 6. Speak in the first person to express yourself
At one time or another you will get into a dispute with the narcissist of your life. This person will likely be offended when criticized, but that doesn't mean you should give in completely. When pointing out what she did wrong, just phrase it as a personal, subjective opinion, not an accusation.
- In general, phrases that focus on the first person reduce aggression and prevent the other from getting defensive. Narcissists are known to display these traits in excess, which makes this an essential step in dealing with them.
- For example, instead of saying "You did something mean and careless", say "I was hurt by your actions".
Step 7. Know that research proves narcissists' tendency to lie
If something conflicts with the narcissistic person's personal view, he or she will lie to avoid the issue. That is, you probably won't receive accurate information all the time. If you doubt something the other says, try to investigate the situation.
For example, if she tells a story about something that happened at work, portraying herself as the hero of the situation, try to get someone else's perspective on the matter
Method 3 of 3: Seeking Help and Support
Step 1. Seek support from friends and family
Dealing with a narcissist all the time is a tiring and disheartening experience. If this person is a friend, you may be able to avoid them for a while, but this can be difficult if you live or work with them. Talk to trusted friends and close relatives about the situation you are going through and ask for support.
Try saying something like, "I think Jonas is a narcissist, and I'm having a hard time dealing with him. If I need to talk to someone, can I call you?"
Step 2. Join a support group or virtual forum
If you're not getting the support you need from friends and close acquaintances, or if you simply want to talk to others about your experiences, look for a support group in your region or sign up for a virtual forum.
Look for local and virtual support groups on mental health websites
Step 3. Find a therapist to talk about your feelings
Having a safe space to vent and talk about your relationship with a narcissist can help you feel better in your everyday life. The professional can also teach you to communicate better with the narcissistic individual so as not to succumb to his control.
Ask for referrals from professionals for friends or family. If you prefer, do an internet search to find a therapist near you
Step 4. Call the authorities if you are being abused
If your relationship has become abusive verbally, emotionally or physically, seek outside help. Call emergency services if you are in immediate danger, such as when you are threatened.
Some examples and types of abusive behavior
Physicist. Hitting, holding, scratching, biting, pushing and throwing things.
verbal or emotional. Yelling, cursing, blaming your own behavior, preventing you from seeing your friends or family, and giving orders.
Sexual. Force you to have sex (rape), refuse to use condoms, and engage in violent sexual activities.