You've noticed the signs and your mind is already putting the pieces of the puzzle together: your partner comes home late or works overtime under the pretense of working too hard. When he gets home, after a silent dinner, he goes online and ignores his questions with weird answers… If you believe something is wrong and want to find out what it is, keep reading to find some approaches that might confirm your suspicions.
Before jumping into the spying process, spend a few days thinking about what you're likely to do when your worst suspicions are confirmed. Are you committed to the point that you will never end the relationship, no matter the outcome of the investigation? If so, it might be better to turn a blind eye and save yourself the pain of knowing the sordid details. Is believing your spouse cheating on you an indication that there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship and you simply want an excuse to end it? If the relationship is already shaken, it may be more productive to devote your energies to rescuing or ending it altogether.
If you decide to investigate, be prepared to deal with what you find.
Note: Some of the suggestions for "spying" on your spouse may be illegal depending on the jurisdiction. Know the current law before proceeding.
Method 1 of 4: Catching Your Spouse on the Phone
Step 1. Let your fingers do the work
The telephone is a common line in everyone's life and we become more and more dependent on it as time goes on. Because of this, there is a good chance that the Affair d'amour is taking place through him.
Step 2. If you have a landline, the investigation is easy
- Take a second phone and connect it to the phone line in a room your husband rarely goes. Unscrew and remove the mouthpiece (in advance) to avoid getting caught in the act.
- When the phone rings and your spouse says, "Let me get this," go to the planted phone and carefully lift it off the hook. Don't be too slow: rattling the buttons will make a clicking sound on the line that will deliver it.
Step 3. Record
If you know your future ex-husband won't call his mistress with you around, but won't resist making a call when he thinks you're not looking – or maybe his mistress calls at night without his consent – a recording of conversation can work. Plan ahead to tap the phone and catch Don Juan in the act.
If you have a cell phone with a recorder, place the receiver close to the microphone and record love conversations. Assemble everything and catch the husband in the act. Give him his toothbrush and a suitcase with a change of clothes and get him out of the house. If, by any chance, the call is from a friend confirming Thursday's happy hour, pretend nothing happened
Step 4. Use a baby monitor
This is a cheap and simple way to listen to other people's conversations. Of course, if there's no baby in the house, it can be a little tricky to disguise it. Expect your husband to go "shopping" someday and visit an electronics store. Buy a baby monitor, a can of spray paint (in a color that will blend in with the environment), and a roll of electrical tape (if the transmitter has LED lights).
- Paint the transmitter (baby side) with spray paint. Cover the microphone before painting it so as not to damage the internal components. Don't overdo the paint, as you don't want the paint smell to be evident in the house.
- Go to the room where you believe he will make the calls and hide the transmitter in an inconspicuous place he is unlikely to check. Behind some books or, if you're out of luck, somewhere in your bedroom or bathroom.
- Turn on the transmitter and place a portable radio in the room at low volume. Go into another room and turn on the receiver. Can you listen to the radio? If yes, you are ready to go. If not, make adjustments until you hear the transmitter signal clearly.
- When the phone rings and he says "I need to get this… it's work", say, "It's okay, honey, I'll be…" attention, so make up any excuses). Go to the bedroom, turn on the monitor and recorder to hear the call. If your fears are confirmed, call a taxi and get your husband out of the house with a one-way ticket. Of course, if you hear "All right, I'll report back in the morning, boss and… wait, what's that… a transmitter ?", you might need to call a cab for yourself.
Step 5. Use a digital recorder
Nowadays, there are several types of voice activated recorders disguised as pens, pen drives and even telephones. That means you can place a tape recorder anywhere you believe the calls will be made and the electrical spy will spring into action, like a trap. Good luck!
Step 6. Break all trust and spy on your wife's personal communications
Direct access to her phone can reveal a lot – especially text messages. Her close friends will almost always give advice and opinions about the affair. Sent messages can sometimes deliver more than received messages. Check your cell phone regularly to get an idea of how things are progressing. Keep an eye out for fake names, as this technique is used to not cause a stir.
- Check the email. Another way used to arrange meetings with the lover is through the use of emails or chats. What if all of your wife's emails and conversations were sent to you in secret? There are spy software that allow you to create a copy of all computer records and histories and send them to your email.
- Unless your wife is very careful, you can log into her computer (or phone) when she's not around and look at her browsing history, recent apps, and other crumb trails to her lover. You can find a brief email planning an upcoming date or a hot message exchange.
- The person having an affair will likely try to prevent you from checking their emails by using passwords and saving emails under different names. To gain access, try the person's most common passwords. If that doesn't work, look for software that will help you hack into the account.
Method 2 of 4: Using Other Methods
Step 1. Use the tools available
You can get help from inanimate objects – they never speak! For example, there are covert cameras available in every imaginable form! These devices are so unobtrusive that you won't even be able to tell there's a camera hidden somewhere. These devices range from wall clocks to plants.
Step 2. Install a GPS
Monitor where your spouse has recently gone with a GPS. This device will show you how far he went with the car and how long he stayed. The next time he says "I'm working late, honey", you can reply "Wow, Motel 9 must really be a lot of work!"
Step 3. Count the mileage
A free alternative to GPS tracking is to monitor the vehicle's mileage before and after the service. Is the distance traveled equal to the travel distance between work and home? Differences can lead to questions that can help you figure out what's going on.
Step 4. Pay attention to your wife's friends
Who does she see most? Who does she talk to the most? Are they also your friends? When you find them, stay alert, but don't ask direct questions. You don't want to ask who they support. What people don't say is just as useful as what they say.
Step 5. Study the phone history
If your call history is blocked, access your phone account details on the internet. You need a password for this, but it's likely that the internet password was set up long before the case started, so you can try to guess it. Check the frequency of calls and their duration. Are these factors increasing or are they on the same level? Knowing this can help you get a feel for how things are progressing.
Step 6. Keep an eye on behavior changes
Changes in appearance, coldness, emotional distance, hostility, refusal to talk about future projects and lack of interest in sex are some of the most noticeable changes. Are these changes increasing or decreasing? The change gives many hints of what is happening.
Step 7. Keep an eye out for secrets
Look for a secret phone that your spouse can use to avoid detection. Also, check his computer's trash – people often forget to empty it.
Method 3 of 4: Setting a Trap
Step 1. Catch it in the act
If you really believe you're being betrayed but haven't found any evidence through espionage, you need to decide how far you're willing to go to discover the truth.
- Honestly ask yourself why you don't trust your husband. Do you have any reason, real or imagined, to believe that he is, or once was, unfaithful? It's not necessary to have hard evidence, but do you have anything to believe that this isn't just your imagination? It is common to convince yourself that there is a case of infidelity based only on circumstances turned into evidence to justify your own insecurities.
- Just because he seems less interested in you doesn't mean he's cheating on you. Working late or hanging out with friends may not be made-up excuses. It is also common for couples who have been together for a long time to forget why they fell in love. This is due to everyday life and the fact that people are comfortable with time, making them take the relationship for granted. Also, sometimes work addiction kicks in and your husband may have actually "married the job."
Step 2. Create some hypotheses
If you think you have real reason to be suspicious, start with the assumption that your wife will take some precautionary measures to avoid being discovered.
- She won't send suspicious emails from her home computer or call from her home phone.
- She won't say she'll work late and head to the motel as she knows she can be seen off duty and you can call at any time.
- She will use common routines and patterns you are used to and use that time for betrayal. A case of infidelity does not require a lot of time or commitment. The two people meet in a parking lot, get into a single car, head to a motel room for half an hour, and are back in time to shop. If you are truly committed to discovering the truth, do the following:
Step 3. Set up the trap
Get a good camera with a zoom lens and put a GPS tracker on your wife (in her clothes, bag, etc.) or her vehicle. Hide a voice-activated recorder behind your bed, then plan a two- to four-day trip.
Do your homework and feel like you're really out of town by sharing travel details while secretly planning a nearby hotel. If your wife expects details of the trip, schedule it, get the information and share it with your wife, but cancel everything at the last minute and stay close to home
Step 4. Exit
Call your wife at the airport and when you arrive at your destination. Use your cell phone and say you are where you said you would be. Apologize and tell her you'll be working late and won't be able to call her at night.
Step 5. Monitor GPS activity and see if your wife is away for a long time
Go to the location and observe it from afar.
- Follow your wife (a rental car is a great idea), but if you're a bit hot, think twice about doing this.
- If your wife goes straight home, park on the street and watch her.
Step 6. Repeat as needed
Use the camera and check the recorders to see if you haven't lost anything.
If you need more time, call the morning you would be back and apologize that you need to stay one more night
Step 7. If you find anything, go home with the evidence
If you don't get anything, don't make the trip any longer. Don't let this drag on – you'll need to confront her with the evidence or take her suspicions on in order for the relationship to change or end.
Method 4 of 4: After Discovery
Step 1. Deal with the consequences of finding the case
It is not pleasant to discover that you have been betrayed. In fact, this is likely to be devastating, after all, the foundation on which your personal life rests has been shaken. Also, you may begin to belittle yourself because of the way you had to spy to find out the truth. The discovery process is excruciating and you may not be prepared for it.
Step 2. If you can get concrete evidence that you are being cheated on, you now have reason to be miserable and unhappy
The truth is, it's better to know than to live in ignorance. In time, you will learn that, as traumatic as the experience is, there is someone who deserves it and your husband is definitely not that person. Seek support from friends, family and perhaps a therapist to overcome the problem. Deciding whether or not to leave the marriage is a minefield that only you can decide how to navigate, but always with the support of people who strengthen it. It may be helpful to read the article How to Fix Your Marriage After a Betrayal.
Step 3. If you cannot find evidence of infidelity, you have no reason to believe that you are being betrayed
Or, if you suspect your husband is too careful, you now know how to catch him in the act. However, be sure your suspicions are valid: at this stage, you will likely end any trust that may have already existed in the relationship.
- Never ignore your instincts – do at least one investigation to allay your worries.
- If you ask about your spouse's whereabouts and he responds by touching his face in any way, he may be hiding something.
- Make jokes about betrayal to determine his reaction.
- Use physical sensations. Approach your spouse after what you believe was a date and use your nose. See if he's using a new perfume or that aftershave he hasn't used in a long time.
- Be suspicious if your husband buys a second cell phone. Be even more suspicious if this is done without explanation or in secret. Other suspicions include the sudden appearance of a lock on the cell phone or computer or putting the phone on silent mode all the time.
- Is he working late frequently? This could be a sign of a love affair.
- Search his car for several days. Look for unusual items, from coffee cups to condom labels.
- If you believe your husband is defensive and getting nervous, don't give up. Keep the conversation uncomfortable until he confesses. Do this only if it is obvious that he is uncomfortable with being found out. If he's innocent or not bothered, you're in trouble.
- Any sudden change in appearance (weight loss, new hairstyle, new clothes, etc.) can be a sign of an affair. Beware that everyone experiences crises in life and many people try to remedy this with improvements: this is not a sign of an affair per se.
- Keep your ear open when the person is talking to catch them jumping (such as when speaking another person's name in conversation, for example).
- You may not like what you find out. You probably don't want to know if you're being cheated on or not.
- If your suspicion is actually unfounded paranoid jealousy – and your husband finds out about your spying activities – you've probably done serious (and possibly irremediable) damage to the relationship. Even if you don't get caught, visit a psychologist!
- The way you use spy devices can violate the privacy of others. Consult the applicable legislation for the intended use of the products; in some cases, these items cannot be legally used.
- It may be illegal to spy on a person without their consent.
- It may be illegal to enter another person's computer without their consent.
- Using software to hack computers may be illegal. You can use famous monitoring software like Micro keylogger.