Having a mother who tries to watch your every step can be frustrating and discouraging. Her behavior may erode the relationship between you and your love for her. To deal with a controlling mother, be assertive but affectionate when arguing with her and set clear boundaries.
Method 1 of 3: Discussing the Problem (For Teens and Adults)
Step 1. Talk at a time that is not stressful
Invite your mom for a conversation after she's relaxed from her worries for the day. If you know the days have been tumultuous at her home or work, postpone the conversation until things are calmer. Cook dinner or do the dishes so she has fewer chores to do and more time to talk.
Call her to a private place and say, "Hey Mom, can I discuss something with you? I've had this in my head for a while."
Step 2. Express yourself honestly
Be direct and frank about how her behavior affects you. Talk about how much you want to be independent and how this is essential for your happiness. Try to find arguments that are logically as well as emotionally strong.
"Mom, it bothers me that you don't let me choose the clothes I wear to school," you might say. "I'm not a kid anymore, and this is getting embarrassing. I'm trying to be more responsible and mature, but you won't let me make even the most inconsequential decisions."
Step 3. Stay calm
Your mother may not respond well to your complaints, and may even scream or be very upset. Despite this, stay calm and try to keep your voice neutral. Don't take your hands off your lap and breathe deeply so you don't get angry.
It's okay to cry if the subject is sensitive. Avoid getting carried away by emotions, however. Try to appear mature, contained
Step 4. Acknowledge her feelings
When your mother exposes her side, don't ignore it: instead, show that you're listening, even if you don't agree with her. Remember how much you love her and the respect you owe her.
Argue: "I know you're afraid I'll get hurt in basketball. I understand that. But Mom, I don't want fear to rule my life. I really love basketball and I want to be a player."
Step 5. Clearly define your goals for your relationship with her
After explaining what bothers you, tell your mother what you expect in the future. At this point in the conversation, be optimistic and even a little visionary rather than focusing on the negatives.
Say something along these lines: "I'd like to have more control when I get home. I've had to be home by 9:00 for two years now, and since I'm already of age, it would make more sense if we extended that time to 11:00. As I've never broken the agreement or gotten into trouble, I think I've proved that I'm responsible."
Step 6. Be optimistic and don't force your mother into a defensive posture
Expressions like "you always…" followed by an accusation are a surefire way to put your mother on the defensive. Instead, use concrete examples of episodes that you have found frustrating. Suggest a way to improve your relationship with her instead of blaming her for your problems.
Say, "Mom, you called me five times in a row on Tuesday, which pissed me off a lot. I was at work, I had to answer it, and my boss got upset. Just call me once, and I promise I'll call you back that way. that you can"
Step 7. Remind her that even though you are her child, you are no longer a child
These displays of responsibility are even more important for adults who no longer live at home, as they reduce the mother's controlling drive: this should be an argument between two adults, not a battle of nerves. Show that despite the love and respect you have for her, you already have autonomy.
Respond, "Mom, I love you and I want our relationship to improve, but if you expect me to come here every day after work, then I need to set some boundaries. Even though I love you, I can't do that kind of thing anymore. thing"
Method 2 of 3: Demonstrating Maturity
Step 1. Assess your own flaws
Even if you don't think you've done something wrong, find out where you can improve. Maybe you yell at your mom now and then, maybe you don't pack your things. You cannot control your mother, but you can control yourself in order to minimize the tensions you have with her.
Step 2. Demonstrate that you are responsible
Controlling mothers commonly refuse to relinquish control over their children as they become adults. By showing your mother that you are a responsible person, she will feel comfortable letting you make your own decisions.
Complete your tasks, take on more responsibilities around the house, and fulfill what you promise
Step 3. Make compromises
Your mother's exaggerations may be an attempt to get more involved in your life. Although she expresses this desire in a harmful way, try to find another way to let her get close to you. If you want to come back a little later on Saturday night, do more chores around the house in the morning.
If she's apprehensive because you're going to college, make her feel more secure by drawing up a communication and safety plan
Step 4. Be firm
Your mother can be so controlling, her presence alone is enough to make you afraid. However, start asserting yourself in subtle ways: look her in the eye when you talk to her, project your voice steadily and steadily, keep your head up.
Step 5. Find an escape valve
When you are the object of the mother's oppression, it is normal to want to express frustration by screaming, for example. Rather than taking anger out on her or others, channel it productively. Start a hobby like painting, drawing or writing poems. Take a long, hot bath or meditate.
You can also let off steam with someone you trust
Step 6. Recruit the other parent for the mission
You may have a father (or even a second mother or stepfather) who is more liberal than your mother. Talk to him and see if you can get help or at least some advice. He could talk to your mother on your behalf or give you important tips on how to deal with her.
Pull him into a corner and say, "Hey, Dad, I don't want to talk bad about Mom behind her back, but I'm starting to feel suffocated. She won't even let me close my bedroom door to do my homework. Can you give me some." tip or talk to her for me?"
Method 3 of 3: Changing the Relationship
Step 1. Become financially independent
Money can be the means by which a mother controls her child's life. If you're a teenager, discuss with her the possibility of looking for a part-time job where you could afford what she uses to manage you, like the car and the phone. If you are older, save money to move house and pay your own expenses.
Step 2. Spend more time with others and alone
Don't focus on your relationship with your mother to the point of forgetting about others. Spend more time alone, focusing on matters that interest you. Also, hang out with friends whenever you can to keep your bonds strong.
Step 3. Limit your interactions
If possible, limit the time you spend with your mother, which can be difficult for those who live at home. Still, you could spend more time in your room or lessen your interactions with her. Those who live alone can reduce the number of visits and the frequency with which they answer their mother's calls.
And when she asks why you are distancing yourself, respond that you are stressed by her controlling behavior
Step 4. Seek help together
Your mother's dominant personality can reach unhealthy proportions, and if none of your efforts alleviate the situation or there are psychological or physical assaults on her part, seek help. Report the problem to a trusted teacher or school counselor. If your mother is willing to change, see if she would like to have therapy with you.
Step 5. Separate yourself from her completely
If her domineering behavior starts to affect your health, breaking the ties may be important-or even necessary, if she has taken a step that has endangered her work life or the safety of your children.