In the ideal world, our parents would be people we would look to in times of doubt, and who would always love us unconditionally and try to wipe a smile off our faces. However, unfortunately, real life is not quite like that, and many parents can be emotionally distant, chemically dependent or even abusive people. Deal with a terrible parent by looking for ways to minimize his influence on you, taking care of yourself to emotionally recover, and seeking help if he is an abusive individual.
Method 1 of 3: Minimizing His Influence
Step 1. Understand that he is the one with the problem, not you
Do you feel guilty about your father's outbursts of anger, alcoholism, or emotional instability? Many children believe they have done something wrong and are responsible for their parents' negative behavior, but stop blaming yourself. No matter what your parent or anyone else says - you are not responsible for the other person's behavior. His father is an adult, so he is responsible for himself.
- Talk to an adult about your feelings if you have difficulty accepting that you are not to blame for the situation.
- A habit that can help you remember that you are not to blame is to repeat a statement such as “My father is responsible for himself. I am not to blame for his behavior."
- Remember that the other person's attitudes have nothing to do with you - this behavior may have been caused by their upbringing, traumas in their lives, mental illness, or any other factors.
Step 2. Avoid adopting each other's habits
If you live with a parent who cultivates harmful habits, you may be afraid to adopt the same customs as his - in fact, there is a chance that the children will adopt parental characteristics, such as dealing with relationships, conflicts and addictions, but this is not a certainty.
Step 3. Take positive action
In this way, you will be able to free yourself from your parent's influence, preventing future adoption of certain behavioral patterns.
- Participate in extracurricular activities to reduce your chances of using drugs or alcohol - active involvement in these activities reduces the risks of substance abuse.
- Reflect on your parent and identify harmful behaviors you don't want to adopt-then try to follow the example of another adult, someone who exhibits behaviors you also want to cultivate.
- Start dealing with problems with the help of a therapist if you are being abused or neglected - seeking help now will reduce the chances of exhibiting similar behavior with your own children.
Step 4. Look for men who can set an example
Lessen your father's influence on you by cultivating positive relationships with good male role models - build relationships with the leaders of your school, community or work. These good influences will counteract some negative consequences of living with a bad parent.
- In addition to being able to search for mentoring programs on the internet, you can also build bonds with good male role models if you seek to stay in touch with your teachers, coaches, community leaders, or spiritual advisors.
- Say something like "Professor Jorge, I really admire you. Since I hardly ever see my father, do you think you could mentor me?"
- Also remember your friends' parents. If your friend has a great father, consider asking if you can participate in some of their family activities.
Step 5. Set up a support group
The company of caring loved ones can also help you combat the negative effects of your father's behavior - although they may not necessarily replace a father, these other relationships can protect you from stress, so get social support from good friends. and family members.
Step 6. Keep your distance
Try to move away from this person if you feel that their presence in your life only makes things worse. Reduce the time you spend with your father to prevent further psychological trauma.
- If you only visit your father once in a while, talk to your mother and ask if you can stop visiting him.
- Try to spend most of your time in your room if you still live with your father - limit the time you spend with him.
Method 2 of 3: Recovering Emotionally
Step 1. Identify your hurts
Start by making a list of all the beliefs you hold about yourself, and think about how each of those conceptions formed. Then work to identify which behaviors originated from those beliefs, and strive to refute each of those ideas.
Let's say your dad has told you several times that you're dumb, and maybe that idea has been accepted by your mind, turning into a belief that hurts your grades. To refute this idea, ask someone to help you understand the toughest topics in school - you can prove to yourself that you're smart if you can improve your grades in these subjects
Step 2. Write a letter but don't deliver it
Expressing all your thoughts and feelings on a sheet of paper can be a cathartic experience that will act as an outlet for pent-up emotions. So write a letter to deal with any unresolved feelings.
- Write down as much detail as possible everything you ever wanted to tell your father. After you finish writing, read the contents of the letter aloud to yourself, as if you were reading to him. Then destroy the letter by burning it or tearing the paper into several pieces.
- The letter does not need to be sent because the purpose of this exercise is to help you heal, but you can still give it to your father if you wish.
Step 3. Start taking care of yourself
A parent's physical or emotional absence can have many negative effects on a child, so fight these problems by taking care of yourself.
Put this into practice by doing anything that helps you feel well cared for - watch your favorite movies or series, take a silent walk in nature, or get a shoulder rub to release tension
Step 4. Learn to identify your strengths
A parent's lack of love or distance can undermine a child's self-esteem and reduce a child's self-esteem, so make an effort to pay attention to your personal qualities to be able to combat such emotional issues. This will help you feel more self-confident, even without your father's support.
- Make a list of all the things you do well - ask a friend for help if you are having trouble thinking about these strengths on your own.
- Put the list in your mirror so it's always visible, and don't forget to add new items as you discover more strengths.
- Take a pen and paper, and write down the compliments you've received from others, such as teachers or adults you respect-read the list when you're depressed to remind yourself what others really think about you.
Step 5. Unburden yourself with a trusted friend
The emotional wounds caused by a bad parent can be very deep, but the ability to share your feelings with others can help you recover. Think of at least one friend with whom you can share your innermost feelings and thoughts - these conversations can facilitate the healing process.
Say something like "My relationship with my dad has been making me very upset, I need to talk to someone about it."
Step 6. Talk to an authority figure
In addition to relying on your friends, talking to another adult about what's going on in your home can also help - try talking to a family member, teacher, or school counselor.
- Say something like "Things are really tough at home. My dad has been drinking more and more and I don't know what to do."
- Keep in mind that some professionals, such as a teacher, will have an obligation to report your parent's behavior to authorities, such as the police or the guardianship council. Avoid going into too much detail if you don't want to make trouble for your parent, or prefer to talk to other adults, such as a friend's parent or family member.
Method 3 of 3: Surviving Abuse
Step 1. Don't argue with an abusive parent
Avoid arguing or defending your point of view when the other person is nervous or violent - the best way to handle this type of situation is to remain silent and only say something when someone talks to you. Arguing or trying to explain your opinion could make your father even angrier, putting his safety at risk.
Step 2. Find a safe haven
If you have an abusive parent, think of a place you can escape to during his worst days - walking away from that person will protect you from physical or verbal abuse. If you have younger siblings, don't forget to take them to the shelter as well.
A safe haven could be a friend's or neighbor's house, or a park near your neighborhood
Step 3. Talk to someone about abuse
Speak up is critical to interrupting the cycle of aggression - doing so can be frightening as you may be afraid of retaliation, but we can't get help when we remain silent.
- Ask to talk to a trusted adult, such as a teacher, coach, or school counselor, and tell them what has been going on in your home. Most people who work professionally with children have an obligation to report abuse to the authorities, meaning they will need to contact the police or guardianship council if they witness or suspect any kind of abuse.
- In Brazil, you can call every day, from 8:00 am to 10:00 pm, to the Human Rights Hotline, through the number 100.
- In Portugal, call SOS-Criança, through the number 116111, to chat anonymously with someone - this phone works from Monday to Friday, from 9 am to 7 pm.
Step 4. Call the police if you are in immediate danger
If your father threatens to harm you or someone else in your family, don't hesitate to call the police - never assume that he can calm down on his own and that these threats are unfounded. Call 911 or other emergency services immediately if your life is at risk.
Step 5. See a therapist
Therapy will help you reflect on some of the traumas caused by living with your father, and the therapist's office is a safe place where you can explore and deal with pent-up feelings that hurt your chances of succeeding or living a life. healthy.
- If you are still a minor, talk to your mother or other guardian and ask if you can go to therapy, or see if your school counselor can recommend someone to talk to you during school hours.
- If you are an adult, talk to your routine doctor and ask him to recommend a mental health professional.