There is no way to live without regret. Regret, in addition to being a feeling, is also a way of thinking in which a person cannot help ruminating or reliving an event or imagining other actions he might have taken. Regret can become a very painful burden that interferes with happiness, creates heartache, and limits the future. Unfruitful repentance can also keep a person from moving forward. If you find yourself gripped by such a feeling, identify it, learn to forgive yourself, and move on.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Understanding repentance
Step 1. Learn what repentance is
Repentance is a critical way of thinking or feeling in which a person blames himself for things that happened. When it is productive, it makes it possible to learn to change some behavior in the future. However, when it is not productive, that is, when the person blames himself for everything, it can lead to chronic stress and health problems.
Repentance can refer to things you did or didn't do. For example, you might regret having acted a certain way in an argument or not accepting a job offer
Step 2. Identify what you are feeling
Feelings of regret can be different for each person, but include: sadness, sense of loss, remorse, anger, shame, and anxiety. Identify feelings related to your specific regret. For example, you might remember a fact from the past and end up thinking about that event all day, feeling defeated and hopeless. You can think about what you said or did or what you would like to have done to change the current situation.
Thinking and whining can cause anxiety, which can make you worry too much about future decisions that you may later regret
Step 3. Find out where repentance comes from
Think about what is generating the feeling. People may regret it for several reasons, among which the most common are:
- Lifestyle: Many people regret moving to another country or wish they had not turned down an offer of housing. For example, you moved to a warmer country because you prefer the temperature. But after just a few months, you found it impossible to get a job, you lived on the street and missed your home country every day. You wish you hadn't left your house.
- Work: A person may regret not having pursued a certain career and going after their dream job, or having turned down an offer or promotion. For example, you hate going to work every day and often regret that you turned down a partnership opportunity to start your own business.
- Family: People may regret not having resolved conflicts with a family member or friend, especially if he has passed away. Another possibility is to regret not spending more time with an older relative. You may have moved out of town because of your spouse's job and never made an effort to keep in touch with your grandmother through calls or visits. Now that she's gone, you regret your lack of initiative.
- Children: Many people regret having started a family. For example, you had a child to fulfill your spouse's dream. A year later, you are not happy with motherhood/fatherhood and the marriage has been shaken by it. You wish every day that you had adopted a dog the way you wanted. However, remember that many mothers and fathers suffer from postpartum depression after the baby is born; get professional help if this is the case.
- Marriage: a person may regret the moment of marriage or the choice of a spouse; some may even regret getting married. Let's say you married a certain person because your family liked them and approved of the relationship. After five years of marriage, you have discovered that there are no shared interests and you always think about what your life would be like if you had married your old boyfriend whom your parents didn't like.
Part 2 of 3: Overcoming Regret with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Step 1. Use cognitive behavioral therapy
Therapy exercises teach you to change habits and ways of thinking. It is possible to quickly begin to change feelings of regret, shame, and anger. Instead, one focuses on emotionally healing all harmful and unproductive thoughts.
Therapy works by decreasing and replacing thoughts of regret and anxiety, rather than simply telling you to stop thinking about the past
Step 2. Write down all the things you regret
With this feeling, a lot of people tend to think “why” they acted or didn't act in a certain way and this is the point where they get stuck. Make a list of regrets and questions you keep asking yourself. For example, you might wonder why you acted a certain way. Take a look at the list and change the "why?" by "what to do next?" In this way, it is possible to overcome the feeling of being paralyzed.
For example, you might ask yourself, "Why did I yell at my child so much last week?" The next step may be to recognize that you have very little patience after a day at work. In the future, it is possible to take a break of five minutes before approaching the children
Step 3. Learn the lesson
Regret can be a great learning tool for the future. Try to look for the lessons taught and recognize that they make you wiser. If you regret not treating your spouse with respect, you can learn that being disrespectful to them makes you feel very bad. With this knowledge, you become a spouse and a wiser person.
Step 4. Put into practice what you've learned
The reason for repentance may also be something you have discovered about yourself and others. Having this knowledge decreases the chances of making similar choices in the future. Be sure to put into practice the wisdom you've gained.
For example, if you've learned that disrespecting your spouse makes them suspicious, don't repeat that attitude in the future
Step 5. Control the influence regrets have on your future
It is not possible to change what happened in the past, but it is possible to choose how the past affects the present and the future.
You can't change how much and how often you drink in college, but you can choose not to let regret make you feel guilty now or affect your choices in the future
Step 6. Recognize productive regret
Torturing yourself for issues that are out of control is considered unproductive. However, productive repentance can be positive if you are willing to improve and seize opportunities. When you're aware of a missed opportunity, whether it's learning, financial, or emotional, it's easier to correct the mistake in the future.
If you're in doubt about a new opportunity, ask yourself if you'd rather be sorry for missing an opportunity or for taking risks. By trying to do something new, it is possible to minimize future regrets
Part 3 of 3: Going beyond regret
Step 1. Empathize with others
You are not the only one to regret it. Consider what other people are going through and remember that empathy helps you better understand how they feel. Thus, it may be necessary to challenge your prejudices and truly listen to others.
For example, if you regret drinking too much in college, you can understand very well how your child feels after a disastrous night
Step 2. Turn regret into gratitude
It is possible to face things from the past by saying: "I should have done…", "I could have done…", "I can't believe I…", "Why can't I…" Replace these phrases with phrases of gratitude. You will think about the past in a different way and start letting go of regret. When you find yourself reproducing a phrase of regret, turn it into a phrase of gratitude to begin looking at the past in a positive light.
For example, replace "I should have gone to college" with "I'm grateful it's not too late to start college." Another option is to change "I should have tried harder to stop drinking" with "I'm grateful I can try harder now."
Step 3. Try to forgive yourself
Repentance can breed resentment with yourself and others. Instead, learn to forgive yourself. In addition to lessening bad feelings, forgiveness can improve self-esteem. Having self-esteem is critical in many areas of life, including relationships.
It is not enough to simply erase the regret. Admit your mistakes and feelings, but allow yourself to move forward
Step 4. Write a letter to yourself
The exercise of writing a letter can help you forgive yourself. This cognitive and emotional tool can begin to heal feelings of regret. Write a letter to your past self and speak as if you were talking to a child or close friend to ensure you are more understanding with yourself.
Remind your younger self that you deserve the best in life even though you've made mistakes, because you're a human being and it's okay to make mistakes
Step 5. Practice daily positive affirmations
A positive affirmation is a way to encourage, improve mood and compassion towards yourself. Having more compassion with yourself can facilitate feelings of empathy and forgiveness with your past self, which can lessen regret. Tell yourself, write or repeat the affirmations. Some examples are:
- I'm a good person and I deserve the best despite my past.
- I'm a human being, I make mistakes and there's no problem with that.
- I learned a lot from my past and am worthy of a bright future.
Tips
- It is not possible to change the past, but it is possible to choose how it affects the present and the future.
- Remember that sometimes you get too heavy on yourself.
- Visualize yourself taking action and doing things as you move forward and leave regrets behind.
- Seek support groups or a therapist to find out how to get relief from regrets.
- Help people in need by volunteering or donating to a charity so you can see more than life for a while.
- Write down how you feel about the person you hate, crush the paper, and throw it away violently.
- Remember that everyone makes mistakes; you're not the only one.
- Everything happens for a reason, so go ahead and forget about the past. Reflecting on the past is not good.
- Everyone knows that sometimes it's hard to forget something that interferes with your progress in the future, but you have to try, trying to distract yourself with friends' parties, music, etc.
Notices
- If at any time your regret develops into something like severe depression, isolation, harmful or suicidal thoughts, contact a doctor, psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, VVC, or someone you trust. You are not alone.
- Understand that it is not your fault if the source of regret is sexual abuse. However, be sure to file a complaint (and speak to your parents if you are a minor) so that the person who hurt you is prevented from harming other victims