A very important relationship may be over, but what if you haven't gotten over the end and believe the relationship is still mending? It's very common for people to regret and decide to stay together after a breakup. Even if that seems impossible now, the relationship could be back. You can convince him to give you another chance if you can think through what went wrong and improve on it.
Part 1 of 6: Analyzing the Breakup
Step 1. Understand the reasons for termination
What did each one do to contribute to this break? Most relationship problems don't just come out of nowhere: they are generated over time. Chances are the problem doesn't originate with just one of you, and there were probably already signs that it would. Set aside some time and do a self-examination before trying to get back together with your ex. Don't waste time or energy on something that won't happen.
According to some surveys, the number one cause of dating breakups is lack of communication. In a happy relationship, this problem can be resolved by clearing expectations and frankly discussing frustrations before things turn into a big fight. Other issues can be more difficult to deal with, such as betrayal or jealousy, but with effort and counseling, even issues like these are surmountable
Step 2. Remember who asked to finish
Was you? If so, did you do it after thinking too much or was it in the heat of anger and now regret it? Was it your ex-girlfriend? Did she have reasons for this? Was it a mutual decision?
First, it is critical to understand who asked for the end of the relationship and why it happened. If you have broken up, and your ex-girlfriend has been against it, it will be easier to come back than if she had broken up
Step 3. Understand your emotions
In the pain and confusion generated by the end of a relationship, it's common to confuse emotions, interpreting feelings of loneliness and pain as signs that you need your ex back. In fact, almost everyone who has experienced a breakup initially feels remorse, accompanied by feelings of anxiety, guilt, depression, and loneliness. Generally, those who are married or live with their partner tend to suffer more from the breakup; those who are just dating tend to handle a breakup better. The intensity of your feelings does not automatically mean that you should get back together.
- Try to answer these questions: Do you miss the person or do you miss having a boyfriend? Does it make you feel better about yourself, more secure about the world, happier? Do you imagine yourself next to this person in the distant future, even after the flame of passion has subsided and you are caught up in the routine of everyday life? If you're just missing the security of having someone, or the excitement of intense love, you'll find these things in a new, healthier, more stable relationship.
- It's very important to let time pass after the breakup, and before you try, examine your feelings and decide if you really should go back. Rehashed relationships often suffer from a loss of trust and tend to go through a lot of back and forth; if you're not 100% sure you want to be with that person for a long, long time, avoid new pain by doing your best to overcome it, rather than chasing it again.
Part 2 of 6: Spending time alone
Step 1. Avoid contact for the first month
She'll call if she wants to talk to you, and if she doesn't, nothing you say or wear will change that. Sometimes ignoring makes the person realize that you are perfectly fine without them and moving on, the exact opposite of what they want.
- Avoiding contact with your ex-partner is not just a passive-aggressive way to make her miss you, but a way to have time to do the things you need to and prepare for a new relationship (whether with the ex or with a new person!). Take time during this month to find out more about yourself and work on the areas you left behind during your last relationship. It's time to face the weaknesses of the relationship and work hard to improve yourself as a human being, especially if you contributed to the breakup.
- This time will also help you to distinguish the post-breakup neediness from the real desire to be with your ex again. Almost everyone feels sad after a breakup, even if the two are really incompatible and even if the ex has done something. Only time will help you with these feelings.
Step 2. Focus on yourself
Hang out with your friends, focus on work and other extracurricular activities. You don't want to appear needy or just waiting for her to come to you.
Some researchers have found that people who were able to regain a sense of autonomy after a breakup recovered faster from the sadness of the breakup
Step 3. Don't look for the ex during this time
That means not calling, texting, or running around wondering what she's been up to. Most importantly, don't ask her the reason for the breakup or if she's dating someone else. You run the risk of appearing desperate…
- While it's important not to call her during this time, it's okay if you're ready to respond if she comes to you; in other words, if you get a call from her, don't hang up or refuse to answer. There's no need to stall or play hard to get - it will only drive her away from you (the opposite of your goal at this point in the championship).
- Let's say that, by a fluke of fate, you heard from a little green bird that your ex is seeing someone else. Try not to jump to conclusions or let jealousy take over; in no way should you try to damage her new relationship. Give her time to find out if you really are the right person - you don't want to force one person to be with you by thinking of another, right?
Step 4. Find out if he is still interested in you
Before trying to win back your ex's heart, you need to know if he still cares. This is the most important clue that things can be fixed.
- You don't need to know this right away. Also not have your friends find out for you. Don't go after him for at least a month after the breakup; instead, look for subtle clues when you meet him at work or school, through social media comments or comments your mutual friends make. without you asking.
- Keep in mind that 1/3 of "together" couples and 1/4 of "past role" couples have had a breakup at some point, so if the ex is still interested, there's a good chance you'll come back.
Part 3 of 6: Bringing your ex back
Step 1. Work on self-esteem
Your self-esteem can be shaken, especially if you are feeling deprived. Maybe you were used to your ex making you feel better about yourself, but only you can do that for yourself. Don't base your happiness on someone else, as they will feel guilty, forced, and eventually resentful.
- Having self-esteem is knowing that you are worthwhile and cool in your own way. When it comes to relationships, it's more important that you feel complete and satisfied as an individual than looking for someone to complete you or make your life worthwhile.
- To improve your self-esteem, focus your strengths on all areas: emotional, social, skills, appearance and anything else that is important to you. For example, you can have a natural empathy with other people, a talent for cooking and amazing hair. By paying attention to the positive and ignoring the negative, you can feel useful and valuable, especially if you use your best traits to help others. If you feel useless, change it! Use your natural empathy and your cooking skills and bake some cookies for those elderly neighbors!
Step 2. Be that person your ex fell in love with
Try to remember the two of you when you first got together. Was it your witty jokes or your amazing looks? Whatever it was, try to rekindle that flame the same way it used to.
Your ex was attracted to you because you felt good in your company and you fulfilled her emotional needs. Have you changed (if at all)? Correct bad habits and mistakes if necessary. Be optimistic about mistakes. Smile, laugh, stay positive to feel good about yourself. You are sure to be attractive to other people too
Step 3. Improve your appearance
Buy some new clothes, change your hairstyle, start working out or getting your nails done. Stand out, renew your look, look different from what your ex remembers.
You shouldn't change your natural way to win back your ex, as he will eventually leave you again, as the real self will show up at some point. However, it is always good to do your best. After all, if he was attracted to you, he might feel that way again
Step 4. Spend time with other people
You don't have to have sex with everyone, but spending time with other people will make your ex realize that the line is moving; if he's really interested, let him decide it's time to go back and then stop hooking up with other people.
If you're not romantically interested in anyone, meet the gang for a movie night out or spend some time with a male friend. Just being together with other singles can be enough to make your ex jealous
Step 5. Hang around with ex
Do something not so intimate, like having a drink with friends, playing pool, etc. Do something everyone can participate in: friends and would-be boyfriends. Choose what you like and remember to avoid serious matters for now.
- Every relationship must be built on a solid foundation of friendship. That's why it's important that your friendship remains intact before moving into romantic terrain.
- Even if she says, "I'm not in love with you anymore," it's possible to recreate the experience of falling in love by restoring the intimacy you once had. One researcher conducted a study in which two strangers were asked to look each other in the eye and answer personal questions (such as "What's your biggest fear?" and "What's your best childhood memory?"). They managed to create a bond with each other, which evolved into attraction and even romantic feelings. Try to spend time talking about deep issues and looking her in the eye. Maybe this will help bring the intimacy back.
Part 4 of 6: Discussing the relationship
Step 1. Invite your ex to talk
After spending time together as friends, it's time to have a frank conversation about your history and find out if a romantic future is viable or not.
While messages and computer conversations are common ways of communicating in a relationship, intimate discussions should take place face-to-face. Invite your ex to dinner or coffee at your favorite place
Step 2. Use the past to your advantage
If the ex liked a certain outfit of yours, wear it again. Share a sweet and light memory you experienced together. Meet in a special place for both of you.
If you've gotten a special piece of jewelry from him, consider wearing it when you meet to talk. This will be a clear message that you still have feelings for him
Step 3. Prepare your words
The first thing to be said is extremely important. Using the wrong words could mean missing the chance to get her back. Understand that even though you're no longer together, there's still a good chance she has strong feelings for you.
- There are several ways to start this conversation, but one of the safest is to say something like, "I wanted to talk to you about our relationship and see how you've been doing." Show regret that things don't work out between you and ask if you can talk about it now, as you've gained some perspective.
- Let the conversation flow naturally. If the ex is okay and says you're seeing someone else, you can decide not to waste your time trying to convince her to come back; however, if she still seems to like you, bring up the possibility of a fresh start.
Step 4. Apologize
Reflect on everything you did or didn't do that added up to the end of the relationship in some way, and clear that board by apologizing appropriately. Take full responsibility for the offenses without blaming her, making excuses, or waiting for an apology in return. The ex may have contributed to it, but you can't apologize for anyone but yourself. Leave her out of it, and the apologies will likely be reciprocated.
- Avoid using the word "but". "Excuse me, but…" means "I don't regret it". Also don't say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you took offense." This makes it sound like you're blaming her instead of making a request honest.
- A true apology is structured like this: regret, responsibility and remedy. The first step indicates that you are sorry for what you did; the second step admits responsibility for their actions, without excuses and without blaming the other; the third step involves offering to do it right or change your behavior in the future. For example: "I want to apologize for all the times you wanted to be with me and I dumped you. You must have felt neglected. In the future I'll try to pay more attention to the people I care about so that it doesn't happen again. Thanks for make me see it."
Part 5 of 6: Building a healthy relationship
Step 1. Talk
Since communication issues are number one in causing breakups, you need to put in extra effort as a couple to ensure that your communication channels are always open. When you're together again, take time to set expectations, especially in areas that were problematic before.
Plan to handle unfamiliar situations. For example, let's say you broke up with your girlfriend because she spends a lot of time with friends. Talk openly about how much time is reasonable and how you will negotiate with each other if she needs to spend more time with them
Step 2. Remember what caused the breakup
Relationships that come and go are volatile and emotionally unstable. Remembering what caused the original breakup and dealing with those issues can help you not fail the same challenges.
Gently address the sources of disagreement between you. Whatever the reasons for the breakup, they are probably still sensitive to both of you; if they struggled with jealousy, family issues, control issues or other private issues, understand that they will remain there when the novelty of the reunion wears off
Step 3. Treat this relationship as if it were new
Remember that your first time together was not a success and ended with both of your hearts broken. Treat second chances like a new relationship, building new rules to make it work.
- Take it easy. Don't assume the relationship will pick up where it left off. For example, don't sleep together and say "I love you" until the confidence be reset first.
- Get to know each other again - especially it's been a long time since you've been together, as both of you have changed individually in the meantime. Don't go thinking you know everything about her. Spend some time getting to know each other again.
Step 4. Consider therapy
Even more so if you were married or had a very serious relationship, you may need couples therapy to get to the root of the problems and ensure resolution of all of them.
Remember that recycled relationships (those that break up and come back) have a higher rate of dissatisfaction, lack of trust, and, of course, breakup. So be prepared to try even harder in this new relationship
Part 6 of 6: Deciding to Move Forward
Step 1. Look for signs that your relationship is no longer working
While you may have great feelings for a person, sometimes the two of you are just incompatible. In a toxic relationship, it's better to move on, rather than trying to get back together. Some signs that your relationship is unresolved include:
- Any kind of abuse. If your ex has already assaulted you, coerced you into having sex or other things you weren't into at the time, he was abusive, and you shouldn't try to get back to him.
- Lack of respect on either side. If you and your ex curse each other, belittle each other's achievements, or swear at family and friends, there is no more respect in this relationship. These are elements present in all emotionally abusive relationships. Find someone who gives you the respect you deserve and commit to treating them the same.
- History of betrayals. While some relationships can resist infidelity, a breach of trust is extremely difficult to repair. Even if you can rebuild that trust, it will always be fragile. A relationship marked by betrayals will need more outside support in the form of therapy to regain lost credibility.
Step 2. Listen to your friends and family
You may be defensive, but those who know and love you can offer a more assertive look at your relationship. When someone you know and trust says they have a bad feeling about the relationship, take that into account.
If you know of a particular friend or relative who doesn't like your ex, ask them to explain why. Find out if it's the way she treated you, if it's something that person knows that you don't, and so on
Step 3. Accept the order and move on
If none of the above steps have worked and/or you have evaluated the situation and decided it would not be healthy or wise to keep trying, give yourself time to emotionally recover from the broken heart.
- According to some research, it's important to focus on the best parts of the relationship, especially the ones that helped you grow, and forget about the negative parts. One strategy that can help is to spend between 15 and 30 minutes a day, for three days in a row, writing about the benefits of termination.
- After three days, forget about that relationship. Allow yourself some time alone and with family and friends and doing things you enjoy. When you are healthy again, you can start looking for new love.
- There is no doubt that it is difficult to win back an ex-boyfriend. Keep in mind that it might not work, and if it does, try to remain calm and dignified.
- Be yourself! Don't become someone else just to attract him again; your ex fell in love with you as you are, not as you pretend to be.
- Some relationships just weren't meant to be. Don't push the envelope if the person isn't interested.
- Know that this takes time. Do not lose faith.
- Going back is always a risk. You may have changed a lot and enjoyed the independence created by the breakup. However, if you do, your ex can put you back in the same place.