It's not always easy to help an upset girl. She might want a hug, some affection - or be left completely alone. So how do you know what to do to make her feel better - instead of worse? Read this article to find out.
Part 1 of 3: Approaching the girl
Step 1. Read the situation
What is she really upset about? Is it something completely devastating, like the loss of a grandparent, or something a little more manageable, like a fight with a friend? The problem can help you find out what she wants. If she's dealing with a real loss, don't try to make her laugh or distract her with a ridiculous story; but if you're just dealing with some friendship drama, then you can take a lighter approach. But don't talk too much about the reason, or she'll just get angrier.
Not all problems are the same. The more you know about the situation, the better you'll know how to respond
Step 2. Find out what she wants
This is important. If she says "Leave me alone" and the request is genuine, then you should leave her alone for a while and not make her feel worse by hanging around when she just wants time alone. However, if she says this, but wants you to keep her, then it's harder to know what to do; if you get to know her well, you'll know if she really wants to calm down or if she's just saying that because she doesn't want to upset you.
- Is she the kind of girl who is always sad or is this the first time you've seen her like this? If she's been like this before, think about how you've reacted the other times and try to do the same if it worked.
- Ask her if she wants to talk. See if she wants to have a conversation about the problem or if she just wants you to be there for moral support.
Step 3. Give her some affection
Yes, 'most' women like a hug or cuddle when they are upset. This is true if you are dating the girl or if you are close and she has no ulterior motives. However, some women don't want to hug when they're upset, and that's a good thing too. If you are close to her, putting your arm around her or touching her shoulder, hand, or knee will make her feel better.
- What she wants, above all, is to feel that you are really there for her, and a little affection will do that.
- Bring a handkerchief, a cup of tea, a warm blanket, and anything else she needs to make her feel more comfortable.
Part 2 of 3: Working to make her feel better
Step 1. Let her express herself
The thing she wants most is to tell her exactly how she feels if she really doesn't want to be alone. So let her cry, talk, and kick furniture if necessary. Don't get in the way or try to come up with concrete solutions, ask a million questions or know what's going on. If she's upset then it's likely she hasn't processed the situation yet.
- Don't try to come in by offering a million solutions. When she wants your advice, she'll ask for it. But for now, the focus is on just letting her vent.
- You may think you know exactly what to do, but this is not the time to just take action.
Step 2. Be a good listener
If the girl is upset then she wants to be heard more than anything else. She doesn't want to hear your top twenty thoughts on the subject; she just wants a good listener. So let her speak without interrupting to ask questions or give her opinion, make eye contact and contribute brief comments like "I can't imagine how difficult this is for you…" so she knows you really care. Let it finish and don't cut it.
- You can nod your head and show her you really care, but don't do it too eagerly or she'll think you're rushing or faking it.
- Avoid distractions. Put your phone away, keep your focus on it, and don't look around the room. Don't make her think you have somewhere else to go.
Step 3. Don't try to minimize your problems
If you want to make her feel better, then the worst thing you can do is say things like "It's not the end of the world" or "It's going to be okay." Sure, you might be able to see that she's upset about something that's not that important, like a bad test grade or ending a relationship with an asshole she's only been dating for a few weeks, but don't let her know, as this will only make her feel worse. Right now, she just wants to be upset and talk about her feelings, and not hear that this is all bullshit.
- You might think you're helping by putting things into perspective, but you're only making her feel worse because you're upset, and she might turn against you.
- She wants you to support her above all, not your own opinion.
Step 4. Ask her if you can do anything to help
When she's done venting, ask what you can do to make her feel better. Maybe it's a concrete situation where you can do something, whether it's helping figure out her car insurance situation, helping to fix a relationship with a friend, or even helping to save some money by fixing something yourself. Maybe all you can do is go with her to do something unpleasant and offer moral support. Or maybe she really has to do it herself, but you can help just by being "on call" in case she needs you.
- The question alone will show the girl that you care and that you want to do something more for her. This will make her feel better about the situation.
- She's likely to feel pretty lost and lonely. Asking if you can help her will make her feel more wanted and loved.
Step 5. Don't try to say you know exactly how she feels
She wants to be heard, not hear that you know exactly how she feels. Maybe she lost a grandfather and so did you, and you can help by saying that she's been through that too; if it's such a straightforward situation, you can mention it, but in general don't try to compare yourself to her, or she'll think you're fighting for attention. Focus is on her. If the girl is going through the breakup of a bad long-term relationship, don't compare her three-year relationship with your three-month relationship or she will cry and scream "It's not the same!"
It's better to say "I can't even imagine what you're going through." Most of the time, this is the case most often, and it will make the girl feel justified in her feelings
Step 6. Tell her you're sorry for what happened
That's nice and simple. Just say "I'm sorry for what you're going through" or "I'm sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation." Even if it's not your fault, a little apology can show that you really sympathize with the situation and that you would like things to be different. This will make her feel better, even if there isn't much to do.
She might say "It's not your fault!", then say "I know, but I still feel bad". She will feel that you are really on her side
Part 3 of 3: Continuing to be supportive
Step 1. Just be there for her
Sometimes, you can't help, you don't have anything to say or what to do to improve the situation. If the girl got some really bad news, all you can do is be there with her, showing her that she's not alone. If you had big weekend plans, see if you can cancel them to spend some time with her; if she has something to do, ask if you can come along. Sometimes all you can do is offer your time and your loving presence. You can't just comfort her and say she has to go, disappearing for a few days, or she'll feel unwanted.
Let her know she will be a priority for you. You may have other things on your mind, but don't be out of your reach
Step 2. Distract your mind
She might want to be alone afterward, but if you can, try to take her for a walk as often as you can. Even if she doesn't feel like socializing, going out for some fresh air is sure to make her feel better and forget about her problems, even for a little while. Here are some things you can try:
- Invite her to see a comedy. A happy movie will make you laugh and feel better for a while.
- Take her to dinner, coffee or ice cream. A simple treat will make her feel better. Plus, if she's upset, she might be forgetting to eat and take care of herself. Just don't take her drinking - if she's sad, alcohol isn't the answer.
- Take her for a walk. A little light exercise and fresh air can help you clear your mind and feel more centered.
- Don't invite her to loud events with too many people, or she will feel overwhelmed and unable to handle the situation.
Step 3. Do some easy tasks for her
She may be feeling so overwhelmed that she can't handle her daily life. So bring her a cup of coffee or lunch when she needs it, offer to clean her room if things are getting out of hand, and do her laundry if necessary. If she's upset in class and can't concentrate, make some notes for her. If she needs to put gas in her car, do it for her. It won't take long to put extra effort into your relationship and it will help you feel less overwhelmed.
Obviously, you shouldn't let her take advantage of you. But doing some light tasks for her at first can make a big difference
Step 4. Check how she is doing
This is an important part of comforting the girl. Even after you finish talking to her, offer your support. Make sure you call, text, visit her and see when you can meet again. You don't have to be annoying and text her asking if she's okay every couple of hours, but check in once in a while to let her know you care.
- Even a funny message or a funny YouTube video can make her laugh and feel special.
- Be creative. Send a card or a bouquet of sunflowers. Let her see that you care about her beyond your conversation.
- Let her know you're thinking about her. If she wants to be alone, you don't have to talk every two hours. A brief message to let her know you care about her is enough.
- Tell her she's your princess and that you love her more than anything and everyone.
- Speak softly.
- Give him a hug. She will feel so much better.
- Don't tell her you think any other girl is beautiful.
- She is your flower: treat her as such.
- Tell her she's beautiful even when she thinks she's (or is) at her worst with a soft kiss on the cheek.
- Use different methods if you're not a man, but still have a hard time understanding your friends' emotions.