4 Ways to Identify Commitment Phobia

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4 Ways to Identify Commitment Phobia
4 Ways to Identify Commitment Phobia

Commitment phobia is the fear of making a long-term commitment to someone. The main reason for this behavior is that the person feels vulnerable and uncomfortable when they have strong feelings or close proximity to someone. She usually has several short relationships. If you're in a relationship with someone like this, know that she won't introduce you to family or friends, make plans for the future, or ask questions about your life. Learn to identify commitment phobia and be aware of the type of person you're getting involved with.


Method 1 of 4: Assessing a Person's Relationship Habits

Identify Commitment Phobia Step 1

Step 1. Identify if the person always decides everything

You will find that the person will always decide on the programs together. If she's afraid of commitment, she'll only see you when she wants to and won't want to compromise the schedule she's already set.

If you make plans, she might cancel, be late, or not show up

Identify Commitment Phobia Step 2

Step 2. Recognize the changes as the relationship becomes more serious

The more time you spend with someone, the more serious the relationship gets. If you're with someone who has a commitment phobia, they'll distance themselves or break up when things get serious.

  • A person who is afraid of commitment loves the thrill of flirting and the passion of early dating. After that, she loses interest.
  • She shows interest only when the relationship is exciting, romantic, or fun. If you try to talk about a problem, she won't show interest or understanding.
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 3

Step 3. Assess past relationships

Commitment-fearers typically have several short relationships. Ask about her past relationships. If she changes the subject or has only had short, casual relationships, she may be afraid to commit.

  • Some people have limited love experiences, but that doesn't mean they're afraid of commitment. There are several factors that lead a person not to have frequent relationships.
  • Some people who have a commitment phobia have been in long-term relationships but ended up with no visible signs of commitment.
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 4

Step 4. Know how your relationship is doing

If you're involved with someone who's fearful of commitment, you may have no idea what the relationship is like. You don't know if they're just going out, if they're a couple or something else. You probably didn't even talk about the relationship or the future.

If you try to talk about the relationship, the person will get defensive, change the subject, or wonder why you want to make sense of the relationship

Identify Commitment Phobia Step 5

Step 5. Say the right words

People with commitment phobia have trouble talking about their relationship or their feelings. This type of person will be uncomfortable with certain words, either because they feel confused or because the words lead to a compromise. If you use those words, she will try to explain why you don't use them too.

  • For example, she won't use words like boyfriend or girlfriend. He won't say he loves you either.
  • Call the person a boyfriend or girlfriend or say "I love you". See how she reacts. But only say that if that's what you really feel. Don't say "I love you" just to audition.
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 6

Step 6. Determine if your relationship is just sexual

People who are afraid of commitment will respond better to sexual stimuli than emotional ones. They are interested in passion and sexual intimacy, but not in the connections and feelings that can come with sex. Think about whether they're around only when you're interested in sex.

If you want to go out, do something with friends, or say you're not interested in sex on this date, they might not be interested

Method 2 of 4: Trying to Make an Appointment

Identify Commitment Phobia Step 7

Step 1. Ask to meet family and friends

People who don't want a serious relationship usually don't introduce family or friends. They don't want to mix love life with social and family life. These people set limits so they don't have to explain to you.

  • If the person doesn't introduce you to family and friends, even after you've been in a relationship for a while, or after you've brought it up, they must have a commitment phobia.
  • Say "I think it would be fun to have dinner with your family" or "Let's invite your friends over for dinner today."
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 8

Step 2. Suggest going to her house

A person who is afraid of commitment will always want to go home. Suggest going to her house. If she hesitates or says no, see if there's a good reason for it. If not, maybe she's afraid to commit and doesn't want you in her personal space.

  • If you can get to her house, pay close attention. Sometimes, those who are afraid of commitment have little decoration, as they spend little time at home.
  • Say "My house is too far away. Why don't we go to yours?" or "I share a house with a friend and he is having friends. His house would be quieter."
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 9

Step 3. Connect with the person on social media

Some commitment-afraid people won't be friends with you and won't follow you on social media. They don't want you to invade their personal space, nor do they want you to have a way of contacting them when they don't want to be found. Having you on social media can be a lot for them. Ask to be friends on "Facebook" or follow her on "Instagram" and see her reaction.

  • Some people will accept it just because they want more followers and more attention.
  • Say "Let's follow each other on Instagram. I'd like to see your photos" or "I've sent you a friend request on Facebook."
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 10

Step 4. Confront the person about their level of commitment

Depending on how long you have been in the relationship, ask her about her level of commitment. Ask her if she wants to take the next step in the relationship or if she takes you seriously. Pay attention to how she reacts.

  • If you've started an uncomfortable situation, maybe the person will be honest and say they're not interested in continuing the relationship or finally admitting that they don't want any bigger commitments, like a wedding.
  • Some people who are afraid of commitment may lie and then stop talking to you. Always listen carefully to what they say and pay attention to their body language.

Method 3 of 4: Assessing How You Are Treated

Identify Commitment Phobia Step 11

Step 1. Pay attention to how the person reacts to the approach

People who are afraid of commitment seem to respond well to affection when you're together, responding well to compliments and holding your hand. They may even be vulnerable with you, sharing hopes, fears and dreams, but these behaviors are a way to create intimacy, which for them can be frightening too.

  • After a pleasant encounter with a person who has a commitment phobia, maybe she'll go away for a while. She might be sad that she allowed herself to be so close to someone.
  • Remember, however, that everyone craves emotional connections. The reason the person was vulnerable and caring for you may no longer exist. It might have been a little scary experience, and now she feels the need not to talk to you for a while.
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 12

Step 2. Find out if she blames you

Identify, in conversations you have had, something that provoked her behavior or that made you sad. If she always blames you, then she's showing commitment fear.

  • For example, if the person doesn't allow you to meet their friends and you get upset about it, they'll accuse you of being sensitive. You'll be dramatic if you're upset that she didn't show up that day, but you'll be clingy if you want more company.
  • Pay attention to phrases like, "You're too sensitive" or "You're being ridiculous. You're making a storm out of a glass of water" or "You're too sticky. Why are you screwing this up?"
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 13

Step 3. Identify conversations about your shortcomings

People who are afraid of commitment tend to analyze their partners. This behavior leads to a negative obsession in which they will find all the problems and ignore all the positive qualities of the partner. They want an ideal partner, which doesn't exist.

  • Identify when the person points out your negative traits or what they think is wrong with you.
  • For those who are afraid of commitment, this attitude brings sadness and helps to rationalize the end of the relationship.
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 14

Step 4. Decide if the person asks about you

A person with a commitment phobia will be afraid to know more about the serious side of your life, as this requires a greater level of commitment between you, which seems to be too much for them. Pay attention to your conversation and see if it only talks about itself or superficial matters without mentioning it.

She might ask "How are you?" the first time you see each other, but it won't ask about your life, your health, or your interests

Identify Commitment Phobia Step 15

Step 5. Identify if the person is present at important events

People with a fear of commitment are not interested in spending time with you at important events, as that would be too much commitment. Because of this, they won't show up or call on holidays or your birthday.

  • If you have a party, she won't show up. If you ask her to do social work, she'll give you an excuse not to go.
  • If there's something important, say "I'm having a party next week. I'd love for you to go with me" or "I have to go to a family dinner. I'd love for you to go with me."

Method 4 of 4: Looking for Signs of Lack of Commitment

Identify Commitment Phobia Step 16

Step 1. Make plans

People who have relationship phobia make last-minute plans or plans for a few days. They don't like to commit to anything. Try to plan for the future with the person. If she seems uncomfortable with the idea, she must have a commitment phobia.

You don't need to suggest anything too big. It could be a day trip in the next few weeks or a little getaway. You can even suggest a movie that will open in a few weeks. Say “Hey, there's a show I'd like to go to next month. I know how much you love this band. We can go together” or “I'm looking forward to the movie coming out

Identify Commitment Phobia Step 17

Step 2. Pay attention to the language used

People who are afraid of commitment speak in a very specific way. They will create interesting stories and sometimes excuses about never being able to do anything. These are usually elaborate and interesting stories. They use an undefined language that makes them seem compromised, but when you pay attention, you see there's a way out for them.

  • The person will likely never make a direct apology. Instead, you'll tell a detailed story to explain why you canceled or why you didn't see friends.
  • Expressions that show the level of commitment of these people include "probably", "maybe", "I should", among others.
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 18

Step 3. Evaluate the person's work

A person who has a commitment phobia will usually work on something that takes them away from home. These are jobs that require travel that lasts a certain amount of time. The hours are different and do not fit into a normal 40-hour week. See what kind of work she has. If she is always traveling on business, she may have a commitment phobia.

  • Some people use business travel to be unfaithful.
  • Not everyone who has this kind of work is running away from an appointment, but other signs are worth checking out.
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 19

Step 4. Identify lack of commitment in her life

You may see signs of commitment phobia in the person's life, not just in their relationship with you. She must have had different jobs or few close friends. And they must not have made large investments, even if they were capable.

  • For example, the person may have gone from being a teacher to being a business owner or "personal trainer."
  • She may never have had a pet or a home. Maybe I never even owned a car.
Identify Commitment Phobia Step 20

Step 5. Watch out for flirting

A person who has a commitment phobia may be hanging out with you, showering you with praise, but keeping an eye out for someone else. It's okay to look at other people or notice when someone attractive passes by, but it shouldn't happen all the time.

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