Conflict is part of any relationship, but too much of it can ruin romance. Changing the way we handle disagreements can make a big difference. Learning to be more open, receptive, and understanding with yourself and your boyfriend takes time, but it's an important step in improving your relationship.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Examining Fight Patterns
Step 1. Define the root cause of fights
It can be minor issues, like disorganization, or more serious things, like infidelity, jealousy, and commitment.
Be aware, however, that fights are often related to a hidden feeling, such as resentment and disappointment. The subjects of discussions can only be an excuse to vent the deepest frustrations
Step 2. Identify other factors that could contribute to fights
They can include alcohol consumption, physical or emotional fatigue, and stress caused by work or college. Dealing with these factors can significantly improve things.
Step 3. Consider your degree of involvement with the problem
Although you may think your boyfriend is at fault, analyze the situation and ask yourself if you contributed to the arguments. In some cases, admitting that you were wrong can drastically reduce the intensity of fights.
Step 4. Find solutions you can live with
You may have no idea how you would like the problem to be solved, so take some time to think about the ideal solution and then what other possible outcomes might be acceptable. This will help you look at the discussion from a broader perspective, considering your needs and your relationship.
If it's easier, write down what you want to say on paper and read it out loud to your boyfriend
Part 2 of 4: Preparing for a Healthy Discussion
Step 1. Tell your boyfriend you want to talk
It might be helpful to let him know in advance, rather than taking him by surprise. That way, he will also have time to think about his side.
Step 2. Plan a fun after-talk activity
Doing an activity that is new or that you really enjoy will remind you of why you are together.
Step 3. Set a time limit
It is appropriate to allow twenty to thirty minutes for the conversation. This way, you will ensure that the dialogue (or discussion) does not go on forever.
Part 3 of 4: Changing the way you approach discussions
Step 1. Don't interrupt your boyfriend
Ask him to share his version and listen carefully as he speaks. Resist the temptation to interrupt him, even if he says something that bothers you. If you need clarification, ask questions using a neutral tone of voice.
Step 2. Keep body language receptive
Non-verbal communication is very important. Sit or stand with your shoulders and knees facing your boyfriend so he knows you're listening. Avoid crossing your arms, tapping your fingers on the table, or rolling your eyes.
Touch your boyfriend. Physical contact will keep them connected, even with differences of opinion. Sometimes it's even better to stop talking for a moment and just hug your partner
Step 3. Listen for the emotional content hidden in what he says
We all have emotional needs and maybe his needs aren't being met. It may be that he doesn't say it directly or is not even aware that he feels that way. Think about what you can do to meet these needs.
Emotional needs include: security, love, fun, friendship, physical intimacy, control over the environment, inclusion, self-esteem, status, feelings of accomplishment, meaning, and purpose
Step 4. Confirm what your boyfriend just said
Repeating in your own words what you have just heard will help both of you to make sure you understand his point of view.
Step 5. Give your opinion
Try to speak openly, calmly, and specifically about what is bothering you. If your boyfriend interrupts you, gently remind him that he can talk freely for as long as he needs to, but now it's your turn.
Step 6. Decide what you can do to get a positive result
Most likely, this will involve commitment on both sides, but try to find satisfaction in giving yourself to benefit your relationship.
Step 7. Confirm the agreement
Think of the kind way you can remind each other of the agreement and the consequences that will be suffered if you don't stick to your parts. Set a date to review your progress.
Part 4 of 4: Dealing With Rage Attacks
Step 1. Accept that you cannot change what is happening to the other person
Some discussions never end, despite your best efforts. If your boyfriend is offending you, misunderstanding you, acting arrogant or being too critical, then his ego has been hurt and he is behaving in this way by activating a defense mechanism. While you may find that saying or doing the right thing will calm him down, he is not in a receptive frame of mind for your words and actions.
Step 2. Stand back
You can't change what's happening to the other person, but you can take care of yourself. Realizing this helps to avoid further harmful confrontations. It's okay to walk away from your boyfriend, but remember that this shouldn't be seen as a punishment for him. Remain open and loving, and when he decides to open up, be there to listen.
Sometimes a 30-minute break can help them calm down. Take a walk, call a friend, or do something else entirely for half an hour before you see your boyfriend again
Step 3. Stop talking
If for any reason you cannot leave, withdraw from the discussion and remain silent. Try to listen to your feelings instead of adding more fuel to the fire.
Tips
- Try not to scream, even when you are very angry.
- Always chat in person, don't text or email.
- Sometimes smiling can actually make you feel better.
- There are some times when you should try to avoid arguments at all costs, such as when you are drunk, driving, about to go somewhere, in the presence of other people (especially children), tired, stressed, hungry, or sick. Also, avoid fights on special days and events. Most things can wait, including arguments.
- Consider whether all this effort is worth it. Talk about it. If you can't handle your differences but don't want to end the relationship, consider couples therapy.