How to Resolve a Fight with Your Wife: 13 Steps

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How to Resolve a Fight with Your Wife: 13 Steps
How to Resolve a Fight with Your Wife: 13 Steps

Fights in marriage are normal, but very frustrating. If you and your wife end up arguing, it's important to stay calm and try to resolve the issues. During the disagreement, speak respectfully, consider each other's values, and move on after the fight.


Part 1 of 3: Speaking with Respect

Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 1

Step 1. Stay in the present

Fights often result from the strain of relationships. If you really want to solve the problem, you need to communicate better with your wife, staying in the present and avoiding bringing up past fights.

  • At the time of discussion, you may be tempted to comment on past disagreements to confirm a situation or show a repeating pattern of behavior. It's not a good idea. In addition to running away from the problem at hand, your wife may feel attacked.
  • If you really feel inclined to talk about past conflicts, maybe it's because they were never really resolved. Moving forward means solving current issues and leaving behind.
Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 2

Step 2. Use first-person statements

How you say something during an argument makes all the difference. When you use “I” in the sentence, the focus is on how you feel about something, keeping the issue subjective and redeeming the other person from blame.

  • Directing a statement to yourself exposes your feeling about something. Instead of judgments, you convey a personal opinion.
  • For example, instead of saying "It's so disrespectful when you make us late for family meetings," try saying "I feel disrespected when you don't get ready in time for family meetings."
Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 3

Step 3. Speak respectfully

Vocabulary is important in a fight. Even if you're feeling upset and frustrated, try to maintain respect. You can't settle a fight by making someone feel bad.

  • No swearing. Swearing and swearing with your wife can open the wound even further. Even if you are extremely angry, avoid name calling.
  • Yelling is not a good idea either, besides being a very subjective point. You may think you are not screaming, but to your wife it may seem like you are. If she asks you to lower your voice, take a deep breath and continue the conversation.
Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 4

Step 4. Listen carefully

Paying attention to what the person says is crucial to maintaining good communication. When trying to resolve an argument with your wife, pay attention to what she says and show that you are listening.

  • Use verbal and non-verbal cues to show you are mindful. Nod your head, mutter a few words. Try to understand more than trying to be understood. If something isn't clear when she's done talking, ask. Summarize what she said to see if you fully understand.
  • Do not judge. Give your wife room to let all her feelings flow, even if you don't agree. Allow her to express herself without having to justify every feeling.
Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 5

Step 5. Avoid passive-aggressive statements

People tend to behave in a passive-aggressive way when they feel frustrated. This is toxic to communication and only stirs up discussion. Speak openly and sincerely, but with respect.

  • Passive-aggressive behavior is used as a way to avoid expressing anger. People see anger as a negative thing, and instead of simply saying “I'm mad at you” or “You're pissing me off,” they prefer to use silence, sarcasm, introspection, or gossip.
  • There is a way to express anger in a healthier way. Explain that you are angry, using first-person statements to emphasize feelings about the facts. Yelling, cursing, or using bad words are not healthy ways to express this feeling. Try to remain calm while explaining how you feel.
Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 6

Step 6. Allow time if necessary

If the fight is heating up, you won't be able to resolve anything. If you're struggling to maintain your composure, take a break. Step away for a few minutes and take a deep breath. Explain to your wife that you need to calm down a bit, and when you resume the conversation, be ready to act rationally. A lot of people say, “Don't go to bed angry,” but if you're both tired, it's best to go to bed and talk calmly the next morning.

Part 2 of 3: Keeping perspective

Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 7

Step 1. Consider your wife's values

Sometimes fights go far beyond what you see. Consider your wife's values ​​to try to understand her perspectives.

  • While many couples share the most fundamental values, certain conflicts are unavoidable. Discussions are sometimes necessary when there is a huge difference in values ​​between the two, and fights are a good opportunity to discuss and clarify these issues. Try to think more deeply about the situation to discover the real reason for the fight.
  • Assuming your wife is more religious than you are and is upset that you want to travel Holy Week. The problem is not so much the journey, but the contrast of beliefs. She must be the kind of person who shudders at the thought of missing Mass, especially on such an important date. In this example, she may think you are disrespecting her faith.
Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 8

Step 2. Rethink expectations

A discussion can be an opportunity to refocus circumstances. If there are values ​​that you will never think alike, what to do about them? How can you go forward even with these differences?

  • Analyze the fight as a chance to evolve. If there is an underlying problem, focus on solving the issue. You may need to shape your expectations of your wife and marriage.
  • Go back to the example from the previous step for a moment. She may feel that her religion is not a priority for you. You have to accept that she will never want to travel during a religious holiday, and even if you feel frustrated about it, you will have to rethink your expectations and accept your wife for who she is.
Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 9

Step 3. Look for lightness

Laughing can be a relief in these situations. Couples tend to bond at the funniest moments, and humor can help you remember the feelings of affection you have for each other. When the discussion starts to settle down, try telling a joke or reminiscing about a funny moment. After that, the situation may even return to a sense of normalcy.

Part 3 of 3: Moving Forward

Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 10

Step 1. Analyze what you both want

One of the most important aspects of marriage is understanding what each person wants. After the discussion, review these wishes to try to avoid further fights in the future.

  • Talk about personal and professional goals. What does she want from her career? What about the family? What do you want? Why? Try to talk about these topics regularly. Desires are dynamic and can change with time and circumstances. Watch for changes.
  • Understanding each other's wishes can help you avoid fights in the future. It will be easier for you to understand each other, which can help both of you to be more aware and look for a solution that is satisfactory for both sides.
Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 11

Step 2. Support your wife's wants and needs

Support is essential in a relationship. In a healthy marriage, one wants the best for the other. Try to be optimistic and encourage your wife to pursue her dreams. This can even help prevent fights.

Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 12

Step 3. Be clear about what you want

Fights sometimes happen because people assume different things. Being clear about what you want to say and what you want can avoid arguments.

  • Going back to another example given earlier, let's suppose that in your wife's family the appointment time for a meeting is only suggestive. Arriving on time can be considered too early. In your family, however, being five or ten minutes late might be considered an offense.
  • To resolve this issue, say something like “I don't feel comfortable when we don't arrive on time. Can we try to arrive a little earlier?”. In this way, you emphasize your feelings about being late and clarify to your wife what “on time” means.
Settle an Argument with Your Wife Step 13

Step 4. Find a therapist

If fights are too frequent, you may not be communicating effectively. Engagement with couples can help them resolve problems and learn to communicate with respect. You can find a therapist through your health plan or by asking your doctor for a referral.


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