If you're reading this text, you probably have questions about your relationship. Self-reflection is very healthy in any relationship, but how do you know when that weird feeling is a sign that it's time to break up? Ending a relationship or marriage is never easy, even when we know it's the right thing to do. However, first, you have to determine if this is your case.
Part 1 of 4: Understanding What You're Feeling
Step 1. Determine if you are reluctant to accept any traits from your partner (or partner)
Do you expect her to change in some way? If so, think about what would be fair to the person - and whether the reverse is true. It's also nice to try to accept this characteristic that she has. Say out loud, "I accept that she is sloppy." Then imagine: does this fact outweigh the good parts of the relationship? If not, accept the person as they are, rather than trying to change them.
- If it's something really uncomfortable and you can't get over it, maybe it's time to end it.
- Maybe you and the person have different religions, for example. If she refuses to convert and faith is very important in her life, it may be time to take a break.
Step 2. Think about your own problems
You may find that you want to break up because you are unwilling to resolve certain personality issues, such as insecurity or fear of being abandoned. Still, these things always surface in the relationship. For example, it could be that a previous partner cheated on you, which affected your trust in others. That wouldn't be a good reason to break up; the ideal is always to face our fears rather than running away from them.
- If you think your problems are getting in the way of the relationship, talk to the person about it and see if you can find a solution with them.
- You can also consult a professional therapist to resolve these issues.
Step 3. Determine if you are only in the relationship because you don't want to hurt the person
If you're used to doing everything for others, maybe you don't want to finish, but you're afraid to talk to the person. Still, nothing good happens when you're with someone out of pity. Read How to Stop Being Submissive to find out more.
- The same is true when we tolerate a relationship just for its popularity. That's never a good reason to get involved with anyone. Only date because you like the person.
- If you know that the relationship has no future, the best thing to do is to end it immediately for the good of the person. That way, she will be able to recover and find a more suitable partner.
- While it's ideal to end the relationship in a quiet time, don't put off the conversation just because of an upcoming birthday, wedding, or other anniversary. Don't make excuses to stall, or you'll never think the time is right (even though some moments are more ideal than others).
Step 4. Determine if you are only in the relationship because you are afraid of being alone
Are you afraid of being single? This is one more reason why people are reluctant to break up. Still, hooking up with someone just for the sake of convenience is not fair to anyone, as you won't be able to grow as an individual or find the right person. Read How to Like Being Single and How to Be Optimistic to find out more.
Step 5. Accept that maybe you don't like the person so much anymore (and that maybe they don't like you)
Nobody can explain for sure why they like or love someone. Sometimes there is no emotional connection; sometimes the feeling only happens on one side. It happens - and it's unpleasant, but it's no one's fault. Affection and love come naturally. You may have been in love with the person in the past, but how long has it been? Admit the truth to make the whole situation easier.
Step 6. Meditate
Spend time alone, with your eyes closed and concentrating on your breathing. This may not lead to an epiphany about the relationship, but it can make your mind more focused. Don't panic; sit down, start thinking and clear your head.
Step 7. Determine if you are embarrassed when the person is around
This is an important question. If people from work or college are having a happy hour, do you feel like calling the person or would you rather make excuses for not showing up?
Some people are more shy in certain situations (and that's why they don't call their partners), but in general it's right to be proud to be with your partner. If not, how could you be happy together?
Part 2 of 4: Thinking About Your Partner
Step 1. Learn to identify if you are in an abusive relationship
This kind of relationship is not good for anyone. For nothing to go wrong, the person who is controlling has to change his behavior drastically. If she refuses (or can't), it's better to get it over with. If it looks like she's trying to control everything and threatens her independence, the problem is bigger than it looked.
If the person tries to manipulate or control you, then it might be better to end it by cell phone or text, or ask a friend for help - if your well-being is at risk
Step 2. Reflect on whether your partner is disrespectful
If she really likes you, she won't be trying to belittle or criticize all of your attitudes - which is different from those who give positive reviews, which help us to grow. For example: if you accidentally break something and your partner says “You idiot. Why don't you pay attention to what you do every now and then?”, it's because it's clear that it's better to finish as soon as possible.
This lack of respect can also be more subtle. Perhaps the person makes fun of certain aspects of their appearance, career, or other factors. This is still disrespectful
Step 3. Reflect on whether your partner is constantly trying to look down on you
It's okay to argue from time to time - which can even be healthy, as long as it's constructive. What is not normal is shouting, disagreeing, cursing, etc. all the time for no reason. In that case, finish it soon.
Step 4. Reflect on whether your partner is ashamed of the relationship
This is a very serious sign. If the person is embarrassed when he is by your side (or even says it in all the letters), it is better to finish. There is little reason for a person to want to hide how they feel, as if their family disapproves of the relationship. However, if your partner doesn't want friends or acquaintances to see you together in public, it's time to put an end to the story. Look for someone who is not ashamed of your presence and affection.
Step 5. Reflect on whether you are always the one who wants to be intimate
If you always go after your partner looking for affection, maybe the situation is not so favorable - especially if the person refuses to kiss you goodbye or to say hello, for example. Don't be afraid to talk about it; maybe the person has intimacy issues or doesn't want to touch you because of something serious that happened. Whatever the problem, solve it or get it over with so you don't get stuck.
Step 6. Reflect on whether the person is trying to force you to do something uncomfortable
If she tries to force you to drink, have sex, or even do irresponsible things at the most inconvenient times, it's time to break up. This indicates that she doesn't care what you want; and you better find someone more suited to your life.
It may take you a while to understand that you've done something uncomfortable, since you just wanted to please
Part 3 of 4: Reflecting on the Relationship
Step 1. Reflect on whether people have ever tried to open their eyes about the relationship
As much as it's not nice to break up because a friend of yours said that you “can find someone better”, it's good to open your eyes if all your friends, relatives and even strangers take a back seat. If they have good reasons for distrust and say, for example, that your partner doesn't like you, it's even clearer that it's better to break up.
Of course, people may not understand how a relationship works - and it's not right to base the quality of your dating or marriage on others' opinions. Still, if everyone is suspicious, at least consider the possibility that they are right
Step 2. Notice if things are moving too fast
The relationship has to move and grow at a pace of its own, in which you can get to know the person without rushing. If you've known each other for a few months and are already talking about marriage, for example, you might like the idea of having a serious commitment, and not necessarily that you like each other. If someone becomes obsessed, it's better to slow down or walk away altogether.
Step 3. Make sure you don't talk about the future
It is normal not to talk about matters such as marriage, work and the like when we are 15 years old. However, these themes have to come naturally at some point to anyone in their 20s or 30s. Otherwise, you probably don't think you'll be together for long. Thus, it is good to reflect on whether it is worth continuing to invest.
Step 4. Note if the relationship is experiencing a serious problem
While some less serious signs may indicate that it's time to end, there are other clues that almost always point to completion as the healthiest decision. Finish if any of the items below fit your life:
- If the person has abused you physically, psychologically, financially or sexually, as well as if they have already put your health and safety at risk.
- If the person forces you to do uncomfortable things, like dangerous and even criminal activities. These ultimatums are signs that the relationship is toxic. Don't fall for the old “If you loved me, you would…” trick.
- If you already can't agree on some important aspects of the relationship, such as communication, sex, finances or emotional support.
- If jealousy disrupts the relationship. Every relationship is harmful when one person tries to restrict or limit what the other does. Don't let anyone else take control of your social life.
- If your partner is chemically dependent and this affects your life, your children etc.
- If you are chemically dependent and cannot get better. In these cases, it's no use insisting on the relationship.
- If the relationship was built on a superficial foundation that no longer works, such as parties, similar hobbies, sex without love, etc. (even more if you want to leave it in the past).
- If your partner tries to control what you wear and how you look. Don't let anyone else make these decisions for you.
Step 5. Reflect on whether the relationship has many comings and goings
A healthy relationship is one in which people show love and affection in any situation. If that's not your case, maybe it's time to end. Don't try to fix things - save yourself the headache and heartache. Remember, there's someone right for your life out there.
Step 6. Reflect if you have different goals
If you find yourself traveling in the future, but the person wants to be stuck in one place, then there is a problem. The same goes for when one wants to have children but the other doesn't. End the relationship if your life goals are too different.
It's normal to change goals when you're a teenager. However, if you start planning for the future and see that you have very different goals, you had better rethink things
Step 7. Reflect on whether one of you has cheated (more than once)
Cheating is never a good sign, even if you are unhappy with the relationship. You can even forgive, but when this mistake becomes a habit it is because it is difficult to be saved. Perhaps this is the person's (or you) way of saying they are no longer happy.
Step 8. Notice if you have drifted apart
This part is difficult. You may have loved each other in the past, but some relationships reach a point where one or both people no longer feel the same. If that's your case, it's time to finish. This is one of the hardest reasons to break up a relationship or a marriage (since it's no one's fault) and even though there's still affection between you, it doesn't mean you should still try to make things right.
Step 9. Reflect on whether you keep secrets from each other
Any kind of lie or secret - even if it is not as serious as a betrayal - indicates that there is a problem of trust and honor in the relationship. It's not nice to hide anything bad from your partner. Wanting to “save” a person from their work problems is one thing; hiding the fact that you are trying to get a job in another state is another.
Step 10. Reflect on whether you are tired of trying to make the relationship work
If you no longer show romantic gestures, plan dates on anniversaries, take care of each other when you're sick (or don't show affection in other ways), it's because you're both too accommodated. In that case, perhaps it is no longer worth insisting.
Step 11. Make sure you don't spend so much time together already
Maybe you and your partner are done, but you just haven't talked about it. If you spend weekends apart, visiting friends and relatives alone or doing other things like that, it's because distance has already affected the relationship and it's time to put a stop to it.
Part 4 of 4: Taking action
Step 1. Never end on the spur of the moment
You can only tell if the relationship is beyond saving when you and your partner are calm. Also, it's very difficult to put a stop to things when we're angry. Only make this kind of decision in lucid and rational moments.
Step 2. Try to spend time away from the person and reflect more on the relationship
Agree to meet her only after a week or two and make it clear that you're still together (so no one goes around kissing other people). Don't find her, call or text her in the meantime. This period can make everything clearer. If it's difficult at first, but you get used to the absence, finishing is a good idea.
If you enjoy the first few days of freedom but miss the person and feel that your life is incomplete without them, try to fix what's wrong with the relationship. Read How to Give Your Partner Space for more information
Step 3. Determine if it's worth trying to save the relationship
After some thought, you can think about whether the signs of a good relationship apply to your life. Here are some examples of what you can fight to fix things, even if you need to change:
- If there is a solid foundation of values between you, even more so in a spiritual and moral sense.
- If you still trust each other and know you make the best decisions for the couple.
- If things were suddenly difficult, taking you by surprise: health problems, traumas, financial difficulties, addictions and depression are some examples. Be patient, let the dust settle and support the person.
- If you are stuck in a vicious cycle of certain behaviors and reactions. Break it and regain control of your attitudes; ask for a truce and give the person time to recover.
- If you tend to avoid all sorts of compromises when problems arise. Calm down and try to regain at least the friendship. Then show your affection not to give up on everything just because of some setbacks.
- If you've slowly drifted away but still want to fight. It's good to talk, listen, spend time together and see what you can do.
- Ask friends and family for help and advice about your relationship, but remember that the final decision is yours alone.
- List the pros and cons of the relationship. If there's more reason to finish than to persist, it's time to stop.
- Regardless of who is finishing (you or the person), accept it. If she decides to end it all because she feels you don't live up to her expectations, you'd better stop altogether. Say you're grateful that she makes you realize it's time to think more about yourself. Accept the positive reviews and leave the past behind.