The end of a relationship is often difficult for everyone involved, as it often relies on strong emotions, confusion, and blame games. Maybe you did something to provoke the breakup, or maybe you took the initiative to break up. Regardless of the reason for the breakup, the relationship is over and your ex-girlfriend is now with someone else, so you will need a lot of time and dedication if you are to win her back.
Part 1 of 4: Assessing the Situation
Step 1. Reflect on your own feelings
The end of any relationship causes us to experience a flood of emotions, but we often avoid analyzing each one closely because this process is difficult and potentially painful. Take time to reflect on how you really feel about your ex-girlfriend in order to be able to remain calm and confident as you try to win her back, or simply to be able to move on.
- Do you feel hurt? Sad? Rejected? When relationships don't work out, it's normal to feel rejected, as if something is "wrong" with you, or just sad about the loss of that bond.
- Are you jealous because she found someone else? Jealousy is a powerful feeling, and maybe you're feeling that way because you still like your ex and don't want to see her with someone else, but also because you might feel the need to get back together, no matter who.
- You feel alone? Loneliness is very common during a breakup, so consider whether you don't want to get back together just to stop feeling that way.
Step 2. Think about what went wrong
Be honest with yourself about why the relationship ended. Understanding what went wrong in dating will help you determine whether or not you should get back together. Think of any issues that may have affected important areas of the relationship, such as security, trust, honesty, and dialogue. Also try to reflect on why your ex-girlfriend started a new relationship. Determine if the dating had any of the following problems:
- Problems with dialogue, including constant criticism, suppressing thoughts or feelings, showing excessive anger, or feeling that one partner is unappreciated or neglected.
- Mistakes or dishonest acts such as cheating, lying, or stealing.
- Unbalanced feelings, such as one partner more intense or more dedicated to the relationship than the other.
- External factors such as family, culture or religion.
Step 3. Spend time in her company
If you're not sure what happened or how you still feel about your ex-girlfriend, and you're both willing, spending time in her company can help. However, be careful not to try to create a friendship too soon. Have a single meeting with her, with the aim of helping them deal with these new circumstances.
- Ask if you can spend time with her. Be honest, say you've been "trying to process some stuff" or "trying to figure out what to do next."
- Don't mention the breakup when you're with her. Keep the interaction friendly, light, casual and fun.
- Prepare for the possibility that she isn't ready to take that step yet, and that maybe you aren't either.
- Be careful and respectful, as this encounter could cause problems for her new relationship.
Step 4. Respect her new relationship
During all this time of reflection and while trying to win her back, always keep in mind that your ex-girlfriend is committed to someone. Try not to get too obsessed with her new relationship, her reasons for choosing this guy, and what she sees or doesn't see in him. Focusing your thoughts on that will make you even more upset, and you may end up giving a jealous image.
Instead, give the new couple space and the same respect you hope to receive when it comes to your relationship with her
Step 5. Listen to what she has to say
It's very important to listen to what your ex-girlfriend has to say and take her feelings into account. Even if you've already come to a conclusion about how you feel now and what you want to do going forward, maybe she still hasn't. Allow time for her to get back to being comfortable with you and wait until she opens up about what she wants. Some common pitfalls include:
- Deduce that she feels the same way you do. Maybe she feels completely different, or she's still understanding her feelings.
- Try talking to your ex-girlfriend's friends or any other acquaintances if she refuses to talk to you. The relationship and separation are only for the couple, and no one else.
- Not listening when she expresses what she wants or needs. When she says she wants time or space, do so. Maybe she needs it to be able to think about the circumstances better and get more perspective.
Part 2 of 4: Win Back
Step 1. Get comfortable with her again
You will need time and dedication to feel comfortable again in each other's company. The process can be difficult if you are still in love with the person, as the desire to talk and spend all the time in their company will be very strong. Start small, allowing time for her to be comfortable with you as well.
- At first, just smile and look her in the eye, showing that you mean well and don't want to hold a grudge.
- Send a message on important days (such as birthdays) to show that you think about her. Messages should be private, infrequent, short and light in tone.
- When talking to her, talk about a common interest. Respect boundaries and keep the tone of the conversation fun and stress-free.
- Respect the fact that your ex is committed, and understand that if you want the two of you to feel comfortable in each other's presence, it's important to be respectful of her and this new relationship.
Step 2. Rebuild trust
Depending on the circumstances involved in the breakup, you may need to rebuild a good deal of trust. If she broke up, the confidence that you won't be hurt will need to be re-established. Or maybe she's been hurt, in which case she needs to trust you again. Regardless of the situation, trust can be rebuilt with a lot of time and dedication.
- Trust in yourself. Listen to your intuition and let yourself be guided to the path that is healthier and more suitable for you.
- Be honest with her and yourself. Lies and miscommunication contribute to the destruction of trust and therefore cannot be present now.
- Be reliable and consistent. When you say you're going somewhere or that you're going to do something specific, stick to your agreement.
- Respect the suffering the two of you have experienced or are still experiencing, your ex-girlfriend and her new relationship. Also, be respectful of yourself and your time.
- Beware of jealousy of this new relationship. Being rude to her current boyfriend will only show that your ex made the right decision to move on.
Step 3. Apologize
Probably, since the relationship is over, an apology is needed. Apologizing demonstrates growth and maturity, a big step in rebuilding trust. If possible, ask for forgiveness in person. Look her in the eye and be very specific during the apology. Be prepared: maybe she doesn't forgive you right away or doesn't reciprocate your request for forgiveness.
- "I'm sorry for the way things ended between the two of us."
- "I'm sorry for the way I acted and the way it affected you."
- "I'm sorry I hurt for you. I'm trying to find out why I acted like that, but I never wanted to make you suffer."
- "I know you have a new boyfriend and I'm not expecting anything in return, I just want to say I'm sorry for what I did."
Step 4. Try to start with a friendship
As you rebuild trust in each other, you may decide to try to be friends. Friendship provides an opportunity to be there for your ex-girlfriend in difficult times, to get to know her again, and to help her remember what you liked about you at the beginning of the relationship.
- Show your playful and fun side again by telling jokes or causing laughs.
- Spend time doing fun activities together, like having coffee or going to a movie with a group of mutual friends.
- Show interest in a subject in which she is also interested or in which she is particularly talented. For example, if she is a great basketball player, ask her to teach you how to play.
- Be a positive and motivating force in her life. Strive for the friendship to be positive for both of you, maybe she misses it in the current relationship.
Step 5. Start talking about yourselves
This is a very important step, so be careful. If this friendship or her new relationship is working, think about what you would like to do going forward. If you still want to get back together, intentionally talk about the two of you.
- Take this action in private, talking to her alone.
- Send her a flower with a note that says something like, "Hi, do you want to do something later? Sorry, I'm not perfect and I know things turned out badly between us. Can we talk?"
- Write a letter or note saying "I know you have a new boyfriend, but I need to talk about some things. Can we talk?"
- Ask to talk in person: "I want to talk about some things, but I need to talk in person. When do you have time to meet me?"
Step 6. Have an honest conversation
Take some time and choose a comfortable place to talk. Look into your ex-girlfriend's eyes and maintain receptive body language as you talk to her, being honest and open in everything you say and feel. You've been preparing for this moment for a long time, so be confident and true to yourself.
- Focus on yourself. Share what you've been thinking and what you've learned since the breakup.
- Say that you believe you have changed and share anything you have learned about yourself since the end.
- Say everything she did for you. She'll be happy to hear that you think you've become a better person by having her in your life, or that her company has made you calmer and happier.
- Tell her you still like her. Tell her how you feel now and say that you would like to date her again.
- Acknowledge the fact that she's with someone else and tell her that in order to be true to yourself and both of you, you need to at least try.
- Thank him for listening and tell him you don't expect an immediate response. As difficult as this is, give her time to process everything that has been said.
Part 3 of 4: Consolidating the Relationship
Step 1. Make the necessary changes
If the conversation ended well and you decided to come back, do everything to make the relationship better this time. Identify the points that have changed and how you would like things to be different from now on. Pick specific problem areas and try to find solutions along with them.
- If she doesn't feel valued, do something nice "just to do it" without expecting anything in return.
- If you never leave the house or do anything fun, plan fun dates and activities.
- If dialogue was a problem, show how you feel about her and say how much you missed her.
Step 2. Talk
As you move forward with the relationship, maintain solid communication. Early on, agree on the couple's goals and the direction that dating should take. Agree to talk about any issues and create an action plan for the tough times. Show that you will make a commitment to move on and leave behind, striving to make things right from now on.
Understand that your return means the end of her relationship with the other person and be willing to talk about it
Step 3. Be independent
Possibly your lives have been revolving around the two of you lately. For a relationship to work, each partner needs to have their own identity, so make room for yourself in this relationship. Spend time with your friends and allow your girlfriend to do the same. Having hobbies and activities in common is good, but so is doing things alone. Develop more trust and confidence in your relationship.
Part 4 of 4: Moving Forward
Step 1. Deal with the separation
Maybe things don't go as planned, in which case you'll need to accept that the romance has really come to an end. Trust the fact that you did what you should have done to stay true to yourself and your feelings and that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Start striving to overcome the separation and move on.
- Keep in mind that you may experience many different emotions, and it is perfectly normal to feel anxiety, sadness, anger, and confusion all at the same time.
- Spend time with friends and talk to them about your feelings. They will likely understand how you feel and be able to help you move forward.
- Take care of the body. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, take care of hygiene and keep yourself at least a little active (taking walks, for example).
Step 2. Give it time
Everything takes time to pass, especially the suffering caused by a loss. Give yourself time to grieve for the end of the relationship and be able to move on.
- Don't fight feelings. Pretending that "it's okay" will only prolong the suffering, so allow yourself to go through it.
- Remember that you'll get better and have other chances to fall in love when you're done.
- Do pleasurable activities. Do fun things to improve your mood and boost your self-confidence.
Step 3. Give space
Even if you still want to befriend your ex-girlfriend and spend time with her, recovery will be easier if you temporarily avoid contact. Hanging around that person will only remind you of the relationship that is over and everything you miss. Explain that you need time and space for yourself, and if she asks if she can be your friend, be honest and say whether or not you believe in a future friendship.
Stay away from your ex's social media. Her posts will likely only make you more upset and prolong the recovery process
Step 4. Get back to dating
When you're ready, return to the world of flirting and dating. Some relationships can be difficult and painful, but others are wonderful. Don't hide, you have a lot to offer to a special someone out there somewhere, hoping to find you!
- Don't waste time trying to "wreck" the relationship or bad-mouthing her boyfriend. The more you try to denigrate this guy, the worse the impression you'll make. Focus on her and you, not her and him.
- Be careful not to change too much. When you are trying to win her back, you may notice some things that you could change about yourself. If such changes are positive, fine, but don't get so obsessed that you change your entire personality to try to win over someone else.