When you live with your spouse, ending the relationship can be much more complicated. You will have to decide who leaves the house and how you will divide your assets. Also, you may have to live together until one of you finds another place to live, and that can be an emotional challenge.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Having the conversation
Step 1. Know your feelings before the conversation
It's important to know exactly why you want to break up before you talk. Even if your partner also thinks you should break up, he will likely ask you questions that you will have to answer. You need to be able to say why you want to end and to express it clearly.
- Think back to when you started to realize that things were going wrong. What made you start thinking about ending the relationship?
- What do you think is not working? Why do you think there is no solution?
- You can think about some more complex questions, like the following: are they still having fun together, have similar goals, what has their sex life been like, are they communicating well, and are the relationship balanced.
Step 2. Think about your financial situation
When you end a relationship with someone, you need to be financially able to live alone. For example, if your partner moves, you will have to pay rent and house bills yourself. If you don't have the financial means to pay for everything, you will have to look for another place to live.
- If you're the one who's moving, maybe it's better to look elsewhere before having the conversation, because then you'll be prepared for the move.
- You may need to make some sacrifices when you leave the house, such as moving in with someone in the family for a while.
Step 3. Prepare your partner in advance
It's best not to give bad news when the person least expects it. So let your partner know that you want to talk about your relationship and set a good time to do so.
- Pick a time when you both have enough time to talk. Also, try to give full attention to the matter at hand.
- Chat in person and in a private place. This is not a phone or email conversation.
Step 4. Break the bad news right away
Don't try to hide it by giving good news first: if you're going to have a serious conversation, your partner already knows he's going to have bad news. You might as well start with them and get to the heart of the conversation soon.
- You can start by saying, “I know you know things aren't going well. I think finishing is the best solution for us".
- After saying that, you don't need to criticize your partner. In fact, talking about what you like about the person after you say you want to break up can help make the mood lighter.
Step 5. Focus on what's not working
Instead of blaming the other person, talk about why you think the relationship isn't going well. Don't be negative. It is possible to be positive in a breakup while acknowledging that things are not going well.
- For example, don't say “You are emotionally distant. You destroyed our relationship."
- Instead, say “I feel like we're moving away emotionally. We are not as close as before".
Step 6. Listen to the other person
Even if you're sure you want to end, listen to what your partner has to say. He's going to need time to process what you're saying and identify what he's feeling, and he may want to express that. Let him speak and listen carefully to what he has to say.
- Listen to what the person is saying and don't just think about what to say next.
- Ask questions that show you're listening and want to talk more about the subject. For example, you might say, “I think you're saying this because you were angry that I brought this up at a time of stress. What can I do to make the situation less tense?"
- Nod your head and use body language to show you're listening, like looking in the eye.
Step 7. Talk about the plans you made
If you've already planned to move, let him know about it now. That way, your partner will have time to get used to the idea and financially plan to live alone. Also, doing this reduces your partner's stress of having to look elsewhere to live.
For example, you might say “I don't want you to worry about looking for another place to live. I already found another place, so you can stay here"
Step 8. Focus on the goal
Your goal is to finish. Once you've listened to your partner, you may need to reiterate the fact that you want to break up. It may be necessary to hear something more than once to really understand the situation. Also, your partner may try to convince you to be together.
If your partner insists on maintaining the relationship, say gently but without hesitation that you've already made up your mind: “I know you think we can work this out, but I don't. I want to move.”
Part 2 of 3: Deciding who gets the house
Step 1. Decide who will get the house or apartment
Have an honest conversation about where each of you can live. You have to decide, for example, who will get the place where you live, and both of you should have an opinion about it.
- If either of you had the house or apartment before the relationship, that person should stay.
- If they only moved into the house when they were together, they may both have to move, especially if neither of them manages to take up residence on their own.
Step 2. Make an agreement on the accounts
Some couples cannot afford to move immediately. Seriously discuss whether or not this applies to you. If you have to stay in the house together for a while, decide how you'll take care of the bills.
- For example, are you going to pay the bills the same way? Are you going to buy the food separately?
- If the other person cannot support themselves elsewhere without help, decide if you want to help them with their initial expenses, but that is your choice.
- Don't forget about legal and legal issues. For example, if you have a joint rental or bills, the two of you are responsible for them.
Step 3. Set a deadline
You're done, so it's necessary to set a deadline for someone to leave. A period of 4 to 6 months is a reasonable time to find a new place, as long as there is an agreement that you or your partner will leave as soon as you can.
Step 4. Decide on custody
If you have kids, you will have to decide who gets the kids. Still, you will need to decide on the children's time with each of you and who will pay for the clothes, schooling, and health care expenses.
- Please be aware that if you do not hire a lawyer, this escrow agreement could have legal ramifications in the future.
- That is, if they decide that the children will stay with one of the parents, a judge can take this into account in future legal proceedings.
- Hire a lawyer if you cannot reach an agreement on child custody.
Step 5. Dividing the assets
When living together, assets can be shared, and sharing them can be tricky. However, it might be easier to split the assets if you agree on some clear rules.
- For example, anything that a person has bought with his own money will keep him. The same goes for inherited assets. If you gave the other person a gift, the gift stays with them.
- When buying together, you will have to agree on some items or buy part of the other when items are more expensive, such as television.
Part 3 of 3: Learning to live together
Step 1. Set social rules
It is necessary to define where each one will sleep. Set some rules about when and where you can have a date with someone else, if that is an option for you while you are still living together. They may have to establish some rules about the times each will use the kitchen, if they don't want to meet each other.
You may have to share some things if space is small. For example, one person sleeps in bed one night and the other on the couch. Then you switch
Step 2. Respect each other's space
Now that the relationship is over, there are new emotional and social boundaries. You two need to be able to tell each other when you need privacy, and you both have to respect that privacy.
- It doesn't have to be mean, but be firm. For example, if he asks you what your plans are for the night, and you have a date, just say “I'm going out” without further details.
- When you were together, you had a right to know where your partner was most of the time. Now, however, you no longer have that right.
Step 3. Avoid sex
It's hard not to fall into old habits while still living together. However, it is important that the boundaries are clear now that you are apart. False hopes can emerge about getting back together if they have sex.
Step 4. Set a household chores schedule
You did household chores together when you were a couple. Now that you are separated, specify what each of you is going to do. Talk to decide the division of tasks, ensuring that it is fair.
- You will definitely want to separate people tasks. If you've always washed his clothes, don't do it anymore.
- In other words, everyone should be responsible for their own tasks, in addition to the household chores already divided.
Step 5. Try to create space
Try to create some spaces where everyone can have their own privacy. This may not be so feasible if they live in a very small apartment. However, try to take some spaces where you and he can be alone. For example, stay in the bedroom if it's your turn to sleep in bed, while your partner stays in the living room.
Step 6. Give each other room to suffer
Ending a relationship is difficult for both of you, even if you are the one who ended it. So both can feel hurt or upset for a while, and there needs to be respect for that.