The end of a relationship is not always the best for both parties, and we may find ourselves wondering if making up and getting back together wouldn't be better. To find out if this feeling is reciprocated, guessing what his attitudes mean will not help much. This is a sensitive subject and the best approach is to have an honest and direct conversation.
Method 1 of 3: Analyzing How Your Ex Behaves With You
Step 1. Reflect on what you know about me and ex
Consult your knowledge of the relationship, yourself and your ex. This is your most reliable tool for knowing how to approach his current behavior. Think about the way he handles conflicts – is he direct and frank, or more reserved, avoiding contact when upset? In the first case, he's probably not hiding anything from you and it will be easier to find out how he feels. On the other hand, if you're the type to avoid conflict, a silence may mean that you're not dying to talk to you, perhaps out of heartache. Is he the nostalgic type and thinks too much about the past? If so, he probably thinks a lot about you. The fact is that only no one can know what his attitudes mean, only you.
- It is important to consider what you want to notice. When it comes to a personal relationship, your interests can interfere with your reading of the situation and make you wrong. Let's say your ex is the type who likes to send "text" but hasn't contacted you since they broke up; don't think that this silence is a sign that he misses you, or he would have already written something. Be objective.
Step 2. Think about how many times she calls you
If she only contacts you to deal with really necessary matters (like picking up what was left at your house, for example), she probably doesn't have the same intentions as you; otherwise, I would probably have already called, or sent a message.
- See if there's a specific reason when she calls. Maybe she says “Hello! I'm just calling to see how you are”; if it's not about something important, it's a sign that she's thinking about you.
- On the other hand, if she's the one who broke up, maybe she's interested in just being your friend.
- Calling in the middle of the night or when she's drunk (and therefore more uninhibited) can often mean that she feels something unresolved for you.
Step 3. Think about how he behaves when talking
If he calls constantly and always has an excuse (like asking for help with a task, or asking for advice about a problem), that means there's no real reason to talk to you. Maybe he tries to take the conversation in a deeper tone, like talking about what he wants for the future or about the kind of life he would like to have.
Does he use endearing nicknames from when they dated “unintentionally”? That kind of slip can mean he still thinks of you romantically
Step 4. Note how long it takes to respond
If you contact her, how long does it take on average to return? And how long does it take for you to return? Taking hours to call back might not mean anything, but if she ignores you for days, she probably has no interest in knowing how you are.
If your ex-boyfriend doesn't respond to any attempt at communication, stop calling and texting, however difficult it may be; force yourself to leave him alone, so that both of you can move on
Step 5. Read body language
If you end up meeting eventually, notice his posture. Crossed arms or legs, avoidance of eye contact, and seriousness indicate that he probably doesn't want to talk and is uncomfortable with you around.
- However, don't rely solely on body language. It can indicate how the person is feeling at that moment and alone. Your ex may miss you so much and act closed when they meet the same way. This usually occurs when the person is afraid of being hurt again.
- Compare his posture with other relevant information. For example, if he calls daily but when they meet he seems upset, he's probably defensive and hesitant.
Step 6. Notice if he has been to places you frequent
Appearing out of nowhere in your work environment and other places you tend to go is hardly a “mistake”. Having mutual friends makes it easier for him to know where you will be and show up “by coincidence”.
When they meet, notice their body language; does he keep looking from afar? This could mean that he is also analyzing your behavior
Method 2 of 3: Analyzing How He Behaves To Others
Step 1. Scan your ex's social media
Read the posts and how he interacts with others if you are still friends on social media. Making neutral or sad updates (like romantic songs), liking or commenting on photos of the two of you, these are good indications that he still hasn't been able to digest the breakup.
- It must be remembered that social networks are not a true picture of real life. Even if someone makes glamorous and happy updates all the time, that doesn't mean the person in question doesn't have emotional problems.
- Do not exaggerate. Respect your ex's privacy. If you want to tweak his profile, limit yourself to doing it once a day, at most.
Step 2. See how she behaves with you on social occasions
When going out with mutual friends, discreetly analyze how she acts in a group. If you get elated when you go too, or if you try to avoid too much contact, you may still have feelings that you can't handle well.
- Be careful. Even if your ex feels something, that doesn't mean you want to get back together. For example, if your actions hurt her too much, she may still be angry. All relationship history and termination situation should be considered at this time.
- Make sure she keeps looking at you constantly, even when she's talking to others. She may be trying to analyze your behavior to detect what you are feeling.
Step 3. Chat with your mutual friends
Talk to trusted mutual friends and ask if your ex has been talking about you. They probably have a pretty good idea of how he's been and what he's been up to.
- If you don't trust them and think they can count on you, be casual. For example, instead of asking directly, say something like “By the way, how is So-and-so? He had some final exams to take, do you know if he passed?” That way, your question will have a tone of unimportant curiosity, nothing worth mentioning (unless your friend is a real gossip). Don't ask “Has he been talking about me?” so as not to get in your face.
- Use common sense and don't talk about it constantly with your friends. Talking about it from time to time is inevitable, as you are part of the same social circle. However, going back to this subject over and over again can be indiscreet and irritating.
- Respect if your friends say they don't want to get involved and don't think it's personal or that they don't care about you. In fact, they care so much about you that they don't want to have to choose each other.
Method 3 of 3: Talking to Your Ex Boyfriend
Step 1. Reflect on whether this is a good idea
Most people wouldn't dare just open up to their ex-boyfriends, but that's ideal. A frank conversation is the fastest way to find out if he feels the same way.
- In many cases, the person being confronted may not be honest about their feelings, especially if they are afraid of being hurt again.
- On the other hand, if you have difficult communication and fight whenever you see each other, that's not a good idea.
- As intimidating as it is, think about how many misunderstandings will be avoided and how much time will be saved with an open-ended question. Reading through each attitude or silence to find out what he feels can be very frustrating. The worst that can happen is the answer is negative and you win anyway, because you can move on without the weight of doubt.
Step 2. Contact her
A matter like this should be dealt with in person or over the phone, but you can use electronic means as well. Call her for coffee or a snack and say you want to talk; use a friendly and cheerful tone so as not to intimidate her too.
She can refuse. In this case, this is in itself a sign that you are not interested in resuming communication, nor the relationship; on the other hand, he may simply not be ready. Try not to get upset about it and respect your ex's space
Step 3. Be positive
There may be a strangeness in the air, especially if this is the first time you've met after the breakup, so strive to be pleasant. Ask what he's been up to, how life is going at school or work, and update him on you.
Talk about neutral, light subjects, don't start talking about the relationship. Be relaxed, create an aura of relaxation, so your ex will notice that you are coming in peace
Step 4. Wait for the right moment
If you are in a restaurant or bar, wait until your orders are delivered to bring up the subject. This will avoid being interrupted by the waiter and the conversation will flow better.
If they order drinks, avoid drinking alcohol. Having a beer can help you relax, but it can also make you emotional and make you say things you might regret later
Step 5. Be direct
Don't get lost in the roundabouts or avoid the subject. When the time comes, tell him why you are calling him to talk. Start by thanking him for his presence and tell him that he has been thinking about you; if you still have feelings for him, this is the time to say it.
- Speaking up can make you feel exposed, but this vulnerability can make your ex-boyfriend comfortable enough to open up too.
- You can say "I know we're done and I respect your feelings, but I've been thinking about you too much and I was wondering if you think about me too."
- Personally, it's much easier to identify what he's feeling and that's why this conversation shouldn't take place via email or SMS.
Step 6. Think about your next step
If you both miss it, think about what should be done about it. It's a good idea to talk about the reasons for termination and whether it's worth trying again.
- On the other hand, if she doesn't miss you, you can move on with your life. Don't try to get her back with you if you don't feel like it.
- Think rationally about whether going back is ideal. This part is difficult but necessary. Even if you both miss each other, going back may not be the best thing. For example, if you were constantly fighting over personal values (such as religion or way of life), your new relationship is unlikely to be any different.
- Be ready for any result. Trying to find out if your ex still misses you involves the risk of facing that he has moved on with his own life and is not interested.
- When talking, try not to cling to pride. This is a delicate time and you may be confused about your own feelings. This can generate an ironic and defensive posture, which will only make your ex shut up as well. Go willingly, with an open heart and mind.