Ending a relationship is never as easy or simple as we would like and, however little you want to, it is inevitable to bump into your ex-partner. Talking to someone who used to be close and is now just a stranger can be tricky, but there are ways to ease that pain.
Part 1 of 4: Finding ex-boyfriends on social occasions
Step 1. Be patient
It is not possible to develop a new relationship with whom you shared physical and emotional intimacy overnight.
Don't look for it on social occasions, especially if the breakup is recent. According to experts, the ideal is to spend at least eight weeks without any contact. Meeting him too soon will make it difficult for both of them to move forward
Step 2. Treat him as if he were an acquaintance
Be friendly, show respect and maintain a certain distance.
- Keep the conversation light. If you haven't seen each other for a while, it's possible that you or he wants to solve old problems, so resist.
- You: "Hi So-and-so! Did you watch the game yesterday?"
- He: "Yes, I did. They desperately need a new coach."
- You: "The defender was doing well, I think they should have relied on him more on defense."
- He: "Yeah, I don't understand why the coach made that last-minute substitution."
- You: "Well it was nice talking to you. Let's hope they make it to the final!"
- If he starts talking about old disagreements between you, steer the conversation towards something you both agree on.
- He: "Hi Beltrana! Have you tried the cannolis?"
- You: "I finally got it! They reminded me a lot of what your mother used to do."
- He: "You never went to see my mother, how could you know?"
- You: "I remember we enjoyed her food a lot, no matter what she did to us."
- He: "It's true."
Step 3. Avoid drinking
Your emotions will be at the surface and alcohol will leave you uninhibited, which can make you end up saying what you shouldn't and regret later.
Step 4. Cut the virtual contact
Break up on Facebook and avoid it on other social networks, too. It's common to want to dig up what he's been up to on the internet, just to see if he's hurting too, if he's already got a girlfriend, etc., but research suggests this is a bad idea.
- Such behavior can quickly evolve and become an obsession. Psychologists call this "electronic interpersonal surveillance", but we common mortals call it "stalkear".
- It is an emotional deception. Interacting with him over the internet works as in real life and the risk is to take longer to let go emotionally.
- If you simply decide that you want to keep watching his profile, remember that this is only one facet of his life; the chances that he too is suffering are great, no one updates their status to say they are unhappy.
Step 5. Be careful about resuming the friendship
It's perfectly normal to want to remain friends with your ex, after all, you guys got along great and shared intimacy for a while. You want to call and complain about something bad that happened, go to your team's games as before and borrow your coat when the cold gets cold, but in reality that's not very healthy.
- It's important to keep some emotional and physical distance so you don't give the wrong impression. Flirting and touching, common tools of socialization, can end up confusing both.
- Interact sparingly. Don't talk to him several times a day - in fact, not even daily. You're friends, but he shouldn't be the first person you call whenever something new comes up.
- Also, it's not a good idea to go after him as a friend if you want to get back together. If you want to rekindle the passion, but he is already in another one, the ideal is to definitely cut off contact.
Step 6. Don't sacrifice special occasions because of the breakup between you
It is possible that the social circle is still the same and you will inevitably find yourself in situations like birthday parties, graduations and weddings. Be aware of this.
- It's not necessary to ignore it, but it's also not a good idea to sit together; if the breakup was unpleasant, it is possible that they even start washing dirty clothes in front of others. Also, people may be asking if you're back, which will take the party owner's attention away.
- Divide the events evenly. Both can go to see their friend's play, but only one goes to the class dinner afterwards, for example. While missing fun occasions is boring, it can be better than occasional friction.
Part 2 of 4: Living at school or work
Step 1. Always be professional
Your personal problems must be separated from your career and studies. Ideally, you should have been behaving this way even when you were together, but if that's not the case, it's best to have a serious talk about it. A relapse can negatively impact your performance.
- If seeing her makes you emotionally unstable, change your routine so they don't meet. Take breaks at different times, don't take the same route to the cafeteria, for example.
- Think that your boss is always watching. This will help you stay professional whenever you meet.
Step 2. Solve your problems discreetly
Make it clear that you don't want to talk about relationship issues at the office or school. If she's too insistent, say they can talk about it later or discuss it by email and phone (as long as it's a personal number or address - no company equipment for that).
- You: "Is your report ready?"
- Her: "Yes, it is. But before that, I want to know when you're going to return my stuff."
- You: "Can we talk about this later?"
- Her: "I need my things."
- You: "Okay. Call me or email me after work hours and we'll decide how and where I'll deliver them to you."
Step 3. Get support
If she intercepts you at lunch, ask a colleague to accompany you. Having a large group to keep you company will ease the tension of a possibly unpleasant situation.
Part 3 of 4: Finding Your Ex-Girlfriend With Current Partner
Step 1. Let the encounter run its course
Don't go after her on social media when you find out she has a new boyfriend and accept that you'll meet them eventually. Maintain trust when this happens, whether it's a planned date or an accident.
- Face the situation with your head held high. You tend to want to walk into the first store when you see them on the street, but don't. Face the moment with ease, however difficult it may seem. Know that you will survive this moment and come out of it with more confidence to move forward.
- Trust does not always come from the inside out. If you know you're going to see your ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend, wear the outfit that makes you more comfortable and self-assured. This way, you will be relaxed and, as a result, you will feel better.
Step 2. Be friendly, but keep your distance
Of course, you should be polite and civilized, but you don't have to pretend that you'll be great friends again and hang out together every day, as this may sound extremely false.
- You: "Hi, So-and-so, nice to meet you."
- She: "Hi Beltrana! I've heard a lot about you."
- You: "How long have you been in Pindamonhangaba?"
- She: "I came to go to college."
- You: "Really? Where are you studying?"
- She: "At FAPI."
- You: "Me too! Will we have a class together?"
Step 3. Be understanding
Understand that these encounters are unpleasant for everyone involved. Your ex-boyfriend probably doesn't mean to hurt you, just move on with his life. His new girlfriend, on the other hand, may feel that she will be compared to you all along. Of course, everyone wants the interaction to take place quickly and painlessly, and in that sense you have the same goal.
Step 4. Learn from your own reactions
As difficult as it is to see your ex-boyfriend with a new partner, use this as a tool for your own recovery. Think about how helpful this will be to getting back together on romantic dates.
Part 4 of 4: Taking care of children after separation
Step 1. Be honest and clear when talking to your ex-partner
Inevitably, you will have to talk a lot after the breakup. Ending a relationship that involves children can be even more complicated, as it doesn't just involve their emotions. Also, you cannot simply avoid communication. According to research, making an effort for both to participate in raising their children is the most beneficial way out for them.
- This means sharing time and decisions, which will require you to speak frequently and clearly.
- If talking civilly is impossible, use a diary to leave important information on when the child spends time with one or the other.
Step 2. Be respectful
As you work through these issues, be courteous. Don't yell, don't curse, strive for friction-free conversations, as this can negatively affect the child's relationship with the parent.
- You: "So-and-so, I don't want to be boring, but can you tell what time you're going to pick up the kids?"
- Her: "Stop bugging my bag, I'll pick you up after work."
- You: "I know it sounds boring, but I have an appointment tonight and I need to schedule."
- Her: "It's okay. I'll go at six."
Step 3. Do not attempt any form of interaction with an abusive or violent ex-partner
Take steps to protect yourself and children.