Everyone knows it's hard to challenge the decisions of the heart. But what happens when he decides he wants someone unavailable, like his wife's younger sister or one of his teachers? No matter the reason that makes that person inaccessible, having a crush on someone is not the problem itself, but having the ability to self-control. Read this article to learn what to do to overcome this situation and not let it disrupt your life.
Part 1 of 2: Thinking About It
Step 1. Identify all the reasons why it is not a good idea to like such a person
Instead of trying to understand why you're attracted to her, think about the reasons why the relationship isn't worth investing in. It may be out of your reach for a number of reasons; so know exactly what you're getting into to avoid problems. Understand why it's a bad idea and what explains what you're feeling (apart from the initial attraction, of course). For example:
- If the person is much younger or older, why are you interested in someone like that - whose interests and priorities are very different from yours?
- If you like an employee, is it because you have a fetish for the idea of being the boss and being able to give orders, when you don't necessarily like the person?
- If you like your brother's girlfriend, don't you just want to "beat him" and think you need to win the girl to do it? Sometimes you may just be needy and vulnerable, which can impair your judgment.
Step 2. If the person is unreachable because you are already in a relationship, think about whether they could disrupt your relationship or marriage
If one or both of your parents had extramarital affairs during your childhood or adolescence-or if you yourself have a history of infidelity-there may be more obscure reasons for what's going on
Step 3. If the person is unreachable because you are already in a casual relationship, with no children who might be affected by a possible separation, consider whether it is worth taking the situation forward
For example, if you like a woman who is already engaged, decide if what you're feeling is valid or just a sign that things with your partner aren't working out. On the other hand, if you are very happy with her, would there be "room" for one feeling for another?
- Even the happiest couples in the world get "in love" with other people from time to time. However, if the situation becomes more serious, you will have to reflect on what you are going through. This will be your chance to get out of the commitment without suffering serious consequences, in case there is a problem.
- Reflect on the current situation in your relationship, especially if you go through these things frequently. Liking other people and thinking it doesn't hurt is one thing; however, always being in love with those who are not available are another five hundred (and, in these cases, you should reflect a lot).
Step 4. Recognize the importance of ending any relationship that is problematic because of the age difference
Relationships don't just have to happen between people of similar ages. However, it is important that you date someone who is at a similar stage in life to yours (such as high school, college, getting your first job, etc.). Dating someone who is in another phase of life rarely works and someone may (intentionally or unintentionally) end up taking advantage of the age difference. The maturity level of both should be very close. Older people have a responsibility to avoid relationships with much younger people.
- It is difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who has goals, responsibilities, skills, friendships, ideas and characteristics that are very different from their own.
- In general, differences in age lead to disagreements, as there is an imbalance of power. A 22-year-old woman is much more experienced than an 18-year-old, for example.
- The younger person may feel pressured to do things they are not ready for. This can cause psychological and even physical problems.
- If the youngest person is a minor while the other is an adult, then there is a serious problem that could turn into a court case.
- The older person can end up (correctly or incorrectly) with the label of sexual predator.
Step 5. Imagine the possible consequences of the situation for your life
If you were involved with this person, what consequences would you face? It's her? What would your friends, relatives, co-workers say? Think of the circumstance as a game of chess and think about your tactics and moves: "If I do x, she'll do y; then my brother will start to hate me; then, in the first argument we have, I'll lose my job …" etc. If you think about the worst-case scenario if you stayed with the person, you will understand that you might be making a serious mistake.
Imagine: Is your potential relationship with this person worth all the effort you're going to have to put in? And what are the chances that this relationship will survive amidst all the chaos?
Step 6. Watch your reputation
What will people think of you? Good stuff or kidneys? While many believe that other people's opinions are unimportant and that love trumps everything, sometimes those opinions are important - as it can be difficult to deal with the negativity associated with inappropriate relationships, for example. Take a moment and think about what you are experiencing and how others would react to the news. If you already know the situation is inadequate, think about how you will react yourself. For example:
- It's not right to try to steal your friends' girlfriend. Even if they stay together, your friendship will pay off. If you're older, and the girl is underage, you'll get a reputation for being an angel. Finally, to make matters worse, if you have any sexual relationship with that person, you can even be arrested (because, in Brazil, this is a crime).
- You may even be attracted to your wife's sister. But imagine what would happen if you did something about it - would your partner be able to forgive? And the family?
Step 7. Think about your future
If you get involved with an unsuitable person, you'll pay the price for years to come. It's one thing to think about the adventures you're going to have together if she's interested too; another is to imagine what your relationship will be like in the near and distant future. Will you be able to take it further? Will your feelings be more than fleeting? Try to see if you see anything serious with this person or if you would be sacrificing all your stability for a few moments of satisfaction and pleasure.
This person may not be a flower to smell. Imagine this: You start sacrificing the time you have with friends and relatives just to be with her, but you discover she's weird. Whether you like it or not, you will adopt some of her characteristics - giving up on the adventure because you were disappointed - and nothing else will work. Even if they do, no one will trust you again as they used to; your acquaintances will distrust your judgment for having allowed yourself to be involved with someone like that, etc
Step 8. Think about the person's faults
Whenever we like someone, we form an idealized image of that individual. Despite this, no one is perfect, and everyone has certain unsavory characteristics. Perhaps the person is rude, has a different musical taste than you, or completely ignores your presence, for example. Try to discover her faults to try to diminish this feeling.
- Make a list of the girl's shortcomings. If you think she's perfect and you can't imagine anything negative, then you don't know her well. In these cases, it ends up putting the person on a pedestal.
- It may be that the person is just not right for you. Write down the reasons ("She drinks too much", "She's addicted to gambling and betting", etc.) to see that as much as you get butterflies in your stomach when you see her, she is not ideal for your life.
Part 2 of 2: Taking action
Step 1. Look for any way to distract yourself
After analyzing, pondering and meditating on this idea (and its seriousness), start putting the person out of your head. As tempting as it is to think about it, create fantasies and get excited about the possibilities, control yourself. Think and do other things. Try to redirect your behaviors and thoughts, as psychologists would say. Find ways to get busy and stop brooding over what you shouldn't. If you hang around all day, it will be much harder than if you work or study and take care of your social life.
- At first, it will be very difficult not to think about the person, as you will have to get used to the situation. Just don't give up; in time, you'll be able to overcome everything.
- Learn to redirect your thoughts. Condition your mind to change course every time the person comes up with your ideas - think about how much you love your current partner, for example, or about the job you're going to have at home.
- If you're at home, turn on the radio or TV and fill your mind with other things.
- If you still feel that you are sensitive and that you can think of the person again, talk to someone you trust, such as a friend. Ask him to keep you company to distract himself.
- Look for a new hobby or spend your time in other ways. Practice tennis or yoga, write stories and stories, participate in marathons, etc. While these examples aren't enough to make you forget about the person, they can fill the gaps in your life and bring new thoughts to your mind.
Step 2. Avoid the person whenever you can
Do your best not to find it to reduce the problem. Often, it is precisely the constant contact with the individual we care for that keeps the passion alive, while the absence helps to weaken it. This isn't always practical, but do what you can to minimize contact. Try to avoid anything that is too dramatic as you get over the situation.
- Unfortunately, in some cases it is very difficult to limit contact with the person. If you like your married boss and can't get over her, you may have to quit and look for another job; if you like your teacher, try to lock or drop the subject, etc.
- If you have to be in the same location as the person, try to minimize eye contact and conversations as much as possible. Don't avoid or ignore her presence, or it will only make things worse. Either way, try to limit your interactions.
Step 3. Give it time
Sooner or later, every crush is over. If you can avoid making mistakes and control what you feel, your emotions will slowly fade away. Maybe you feel trapped and think you're going to stay that way forever, but don't worry. One day, you'll remember those moments and wonder how you could be so shaken. Start like this, taking one step at a time.
Unfortunately, there is no specific period for people to overcome their forbidden passions. Still, if you're busy and focused on your life, instead of wasting time imagining things, you'll be able to speed up the whole process
Step 4. When you feel ready, go back to dating
If you're single, start throwing yourself into the world to overcome passion. You don't need to be 100% healed, but be prepared to embark on a sincere relationship with another person - just never go out with someone to try to distract yourself. When you're ready, ask a friend to arrange a date or open your heart. Pretty soon, he'll stop thinking about the forbidden person.
It doesn't matter if that person doesn't measure up to your "forbidden passion." The important thing is to live with pleasant and ideal individuals. Start dating and open your mind. Remember that person is unavailable and you're going to have to rebuild your brain
Step 5. If you can't help it, at least try to get your life together
Let's be honest: sometimes it's impossible to change certain ideas. If you've tried to fight your feelings and you still can't get over the person, do what you can to make the situation more suitable - first of all - and only get involved with them later. In the end, love always wins!
- If she is your brother's girlfriend, for example, be a gentleman and never hit on her. If they break up, ask the guy if he would mind you asking him out. Maybe he says "no"; it's not impossible. If they don't end, or you don't receive permission, give up (unless you're willing to face the consequences of your actions and affect your family).
- If you're in love with an employee, decide what you're going to do at work before taking any action with her. Transfer to another department or position or do other things so you can invest in the relationship without creating problems.
Emotions or physical attractions can and should be controlled according to the social situation. Just because you feel something doesn't mean you can do something all the time. Take it easy and cultivate a healthy relationship for ways to explore your heart for the long term
- If you can't get over the person even when you're dating, you'll likely suffer the consequences if found out.
- Nobody deserves to be anybody's "steppe". If you like a person x a lot, don't get involved with another person, y, only to finish later.
- Don't visit the person's social media profiles, even if it's just to admire them. If you see her posts and other content she shares, you might falter. You also don't need to block her or stop following her, but try not to enter her internet profiles.
- Be honest with this person: tell them you just want a friend for the moment, nothing more.