Communicating with an ex can be very stressful. Depending on the reason for replying to a message, this can end up creating uncomfortable feelings that are difficult to express in words. Maybe you want to be direct without hurting her or expressing yourself badly. By remaining calm and concise, you will be able to convey your thoughts correctly in your response.
Method 1 of 3: Sending a message to get back together
Step 1. Read the message carefully to determine your ex's mood
By the tone of the message, you'll know if she's in a good or bad mood, which will help you better understand what she's thinking before getting more involved in the conversation.
- If the answer is short or monosyllabic, she may not be in the best mood to have a long conversation. Try using open-ended questions to get her talking more, like "What's been the best part of your week so far?"
- If she's responding with long sentences and asking questions as well, she's probably open to a long conversation and interested in getting your opinion.
Step 2. Wait ten to 15 minutes before replying
Keep the conversation very casual without replying to messages immediately. That way, you'll also be able to better plan responses rather than sending whatever pops into your mind.
- If you weren't friends before dating and you don't know her that well, wait more than 15 minutes between messages to relieve some of the pressure of the conversation.
- If you've known her for some time and you've been talking for more than six weeks, replying to the message before ten minutes might even be more natural and not forced.
Step 3. Develop a positive answer
Ask questions back to keep the conversation flowing.
- For example, if the girl asks how your week is going, say “It's great! I watched a movie I was dying to see. Are you going to do something cool in the next few days?”.
- If she's using short answers, wait a few days to try talking again.
Step 4. Try using provocative language
Make little comments to tease your ex. This will show that you are comfortable with her and don't take yourself too seriously.
- Remind her of some embarrassment she paid in public for you to remember and laugh a little.
- Try to use innuendos that show you want to be more than just a friend. For example, say something like "I'm in need of some humor like this."
Step 5. Bring up the subject of dating by talking about good memories
Focus on the memories that were pleasant for both of you. Then you can remember the good times together.
- Explain that you recently passed a restaurant that reminded you of a romantic dinner you had there.
- Another option is to casually quote a song you heard recently that reminded you of a concert you guys went to together.
- Try to talk about the feelings that arose on those occasions you quote. It will remind her of what she felt at that moment.
Step 6. Talk casually about your desire to get back together if the conversation is going well
Say you want to get back together with her using clear language. Now is the time to be direct instead of joking and joking.
- Try saying something like, “I miss you so much, Jessica, and I think we can make this relationship work. Give me another chance?”
- Another option is to say “I'm still in love with you, João, and it's you I want to be with”.
- There is no set time to wait to bring up this subject. The most important thing is to really know what your motivation is in asking this question.
Step 7. Ask your ex out on a date and ask her to come back in person
If the girl responds positively to your proposal to get back together, it will be easier to talk more deeply in person about feelings.
- You can say “I had a lot of fun talking to you, want to go out to dinner one of these days?”.
- If you prefer a more casual setting, say “It would be nice to hang out with you sometime. Do you want to have a coffee?”.
Method 2 of 3: Responding to Create a Friendship
Step 1. Keep the answers very casual and short at the beginning
Respond with a sentence or two so that the conversation doesn't involve a lot of flirting or doesn't get too personal at first. The best thing you can do now is to take it slow in this new stage of the relationship to make room for each other.
If she asks you how your day is going, respond by saying “It's cool, I'm going to work/college. And yours?"
Step 2. Respond less often than when you were together
Keep a healthy distance if you're just trying to create a friendship. It's important to communicate just so the girl knows you want to be friends with her, but not so much as to make her depend on you as she was before when you were together.
Communicating too often can confuse you if you just want a friendship or a date. It can also make things difficult if she has to move on and get over the breakup
Step 3. Say you would just like to be a friend
Be direct and honest about your desire to just be friends using short, clear sentences. It's very important to be clear to avoid misunderstandings and awkward conversations if your ex is misinterpreting messages.
For example, you could say, “I don't want to get back together with you, Joana, but I really wanted to be your friend. I think we can still help each other.”
Step 4. Set clear boundaries by explaining what you will and will not talk about
Determine which subjects make you comfortable with your ex. Friends don't talk about things that dating couples talk about. There may be some painful issues that are best not brought up.
- You can say "If we're going to be friends, we shouldn't talk about the fights we had."
- If you don't want to talk about your new loves, say "I'm happy for you, but I don't want to talk about your new affairs."
- To keep the relationship platonic, say "Please don't ask me to spend the night with you or to do anything friends don't."
Step 5. Suggest spending time with mutual friends if she only wants to go out with you
If your ex sends a message asking you out, try to plan a date with other people present. These situations will make interactions with the girl feel less like a romantic date and more like an outing with a group of friends.
- Plan a dinner party and invite your ex and several other friends. Try to form a group of five or more people so you don't have to talk to her all the time.
- Invite your ex and some friends to a new bar or restaurant. So you can start creating new memories as friends instead of just having memories of when you were dating.
Method 3 of 3: Responding to End Any Future Communication
Step 1. Say you don't want to talk to her
Use a short, concise sentence or two to explain your desire to end any communication in the future. You don't owe the girl any explanations. Just say you don't want to talk to her anymore and that's it.
- Say “Jessica, can we avoid talking for a few more weeks? I'm still processing our termination."
- An example of this message could be: “Don't text me or contact me again. I don't want to have any kind of communication in the future”.
Step 2. Explain that the relationship is over
Reaffirm that you are no longer together and that you do not want to talk to her anymore. Be clear and direct. You don't need to reply to any messages or answer any calls in the future if you don't want to.
Follow this example to send the message: “We're done and I'm not interested in going back. I don't want to have any kind of relationship with you anymore”
Step 3. Set boundaries by explaining your expectations
Say when and how often you would be open to communicate.
- If you think you'll ever be open to talking again, say “I'm not ready for this yet. Can we talk again in a few months so I can better process my feelings?”.
- If you know you don't want to talk to her anymore, say "If you keep texting me, I won't respond."
Step 4. Contact authorities if you feel unsafe
If you've told your ex several times to stop contacting and she hasn't, talk to your parents or a therapist and then talk to the authorities. They can help you get a restraining order and set legal limits to prevent any harassment.
- It might be a good idea to tell the girl you are thinking of taking these steps before taking action to see if she backs off.
- Try saying something like “I already told you I don't want to talk to you. If you keep texting me, I'm going to the police to ask for a restraining order.”
- Avoid texting your ex when you are drunk or intoxicated. In these situations, you cannot control your impulses as easily as in sobriety. You may end up saying something you didn't mean or regret it later.
- Be honest with yourself about your reasons for responding to the girl's messages. Determine your feelings and respond based on them.
- Try asking a trusted friend or relative for advice when communicating with the girl. They can provide a perspective that you may not be seeing right now.