Asexuals, who refer to themselves as “aces”, a term derived from the English word, are people who do not feel sexual attraction to other individuals of any gender, despite being a very broad denomination and with several other types. If you feel that you fit into the group of asexuals and want to know more about this orientation, look for tips or know that an asexual loves you, continue reading the article.
Part 1 of 4: Understanding asexuality
Step 1. Be yourself
Case Do not be naturally asexual, there is no way to “turn” a person of this orientation. However, if you are naturally asexual, there is no way to “reverse” the orientation. And you shouldn't even try to do this because of outside pressure, as it's important to be what you feel you should be. It's even possible to pretend to feel a certain way for a while, but it's impossible to keep the “mask” on for long periods. There is nothing wrong with your sexuality or your preferences. Be yourself, wonderful as you naturally are.
Step 2. Don't feel limited to a label
The important thing to understand is that human sexuality is very complex; there's no way to label people, and even if you find a perfect denomination, it wouldn't be all that right. Knowing this, don't let anyone limit you or feel obligated to fit a label. Do what you feel comfortable doing. However, labeling yourself is not always a bad idea, as it can help you in certain cases.
Step 3. Differentiate the types of attractions
For asexuals, it is important to understand that there are different types of attraction, such as sexual, romantic, “mixed”, aesthetic, sensual and platonic. By definition, asexuals are not sexually attracted to others, but experience other types of attraction.
- sexual attraction: Feeling interested in having sex – or any other sexual activity – with the person.
- romantic attraction: having romantic affinity with someone. Some describe it as wanting to go out with the individual or do romantic things with him.
- "Mixed" attraction: feeling that manifests itself in a platonic and romantic way, or that fits into two of the categories.
- aesthetic attraction: like someone for their looks.
- sensual attraction: desire to have physical contact with a person. These are not necessarily romantic or sexual acts, but they can reach such levels.
- platonic attraction: having affection for someone, but in a friendly way, wishing to become friends with the individual.
- The key to all types of attraction is that they can use “interlace” as an individual does not need to be certain of their orientation in each of them and behavior does not dictate orientation.
Step 4. Differentiate between sexual needs
Asexuals often differentiate the physical need for sexual release – which they regard as hunger or the desire to fulfill physiological needs – and the desire for sexual intercourse with another person. Feeling like masturbating (whether with pornography or sexual fantasies), for example, but losing interest in thinking about a specific person is a sign that you may be asexual.
Step 5. Find resources
There are several addresses and an active asexual community on the internet; sometimes, even therapists and psychologists will be able to advise good options for discussing the matter with equals. These resources will give you more information and help you learn more about your own feelings while getting to know other individuals.
There is another “label”, the “Questioning” (questioning the orientation), which many may also consider appropriate nowadays, especially when they are not sure of their orientation
Step 6. Find people like you
Meeting other individuals who also question their own orientation, are asexual, or who fall under the banners of the LGBT community's incredible banner will be helpful for you to discuss what you are feeling and realize that it is all perfectly normal. There are other people just like you! Join forums and internet communities to find individuals who share your ideas.
Step 7. Accept the changes
Just by deciding that the asexual label applies right now doesn't mean it should remain forever. Many may be “sexual” in the past and go back to being “sexual” in the future; however, don't let anyone make you feel guilty, as wants and needs change over time.
Part 2 of 4: Revealing Your Choice
Step 1. Don't feel pressured
Disclosing your sexual orientation is a deeply personal experience; if you are wondering the right time to expose your preferences, the answer is “when you feel the time is right”. However, don't let anyone change their mind at the right time. If you think the time is right now, go ahead; otherwise, don't say anything. However, remember that when relating to someone, telling that person your guidance is a good idea. Postponing this conversation will not make it any easier to have and will only create more problems.
Step 2. Choose an appropriate time to disclose
When demonstrating your sexual orientation to someone, it is a good idea to carefully choose the place and time, such as after work, when you will have plenty of time to talk without being disturbed…
Step 3. Get to the point
Say you are asexual without stalling, avoiding leaving doubts or apologizing for the choice. The best thing to do is to say exactly what you are feeling, as there is no reason to be ashamed. When the situation is very sensitive, it may be a good idea to get tested first, trying to find out what the person knows or knows about asexuality; in other cases, start by saying the following:
"I would like to talk to you about something important to me, shall we? Let's sit down. Since you are very important to me, I wanted to tell you that I am asexual."
Step 4. Explain what asexuality is
Once you've told the person that you are asexual, ask them if they know what it is and tell them you will explain how it "works." It is not necessary to give more private details about your preferences than you want to share.
- Create a context. If this concept is new to the individual, it is good to contextualize asexuality so that there is a better understanding. Use examples that he can easily understand, such as when referring to familiar cultural examples. The Sheldon character from the series “The Big Bang Theory” and some versions of the character “Sherlock Holmes” are portrayed as asexual. Historical figures also do, like the Buddha.
- Inform the person. Giving extra details, especially when relatives and loved ones are listening to you, is an excellent idea, as they are likely to be confused or worried. Print a list of information or send it to them digitally. However, ask if they want such information before submitting it. Forcing them to know more about something they are having difficulty accepting can lead to increased tension.
Step 5. Give you an opportunity to be asked questions
It is normal for others to have doubts, as asexuality is not very common; some are even aware of the existence of such guidance. Don't be offended when they don't understand you well; give them a little time to learn about asexuality and explicitly say that they can ask any questions they wish and you will do your best to answer them.
Step 6. Impose desired limits
It's important to say what you're not willing to discuss, either before or after giving the basic explanation of the matter; this can help you avoid questions that are considered offensive. However, if you don't want to give them details about what you're feeling, expose them to them, as well as private questions about your sex life.
Part 3 of 4: Finding Relationships
Step 1. Look for other asexuals
The easiest way for an asexual person to relate is to meet another asexual person; this can be done through local support groups, dating sites aimed at asexuals, or asking your friends to find someone for you (hopefully).
Step 2. Look for people with an open mind
If you cannot find other asexuals or individuals with whom you have a greater affinity, it may be necessary to have a relationship with “sexual” people. Try to connect with people who know you are open-minded and will love you unconditionally. Both can make things work, but they will have to work hard.
Step 3. Allow relationships to develop naturally
Never try to force someone to like you or yourself to like an individual. Just because you've met someone asexual doesn't mean you should get married. Prioritize feelings and not the need to be in a relationship.
Step 4. Discuss the situation with your partner
When you decide that you want to date a “sexual” person, you will need to reveal to them that you are asexual. Explain this as early as possible – as long as you are feeling comfortable – as dating an asexual person can require a great deal of commitment on the part of the partner. Neither one deserves to end the relationship with the hurt feelings.
Even when the two of you are asexual, it's a good idea to discuss the relationship. Each asexual has different ideas about what orientation they have, what they feel comfortable with and what they don't need
Step 5. Impose some ground rules
Regardless of how the partner is, it is critical to establish initial expectations and rules to avoid embarrassing situations in the future. Remember that both of you must have a chance to speak during the conversation and that everyone's needs must be taken into account. That's how healthy relationships work.
Part 4 of 4: Maintaining the relationship
Step 1. Maintain constant communication
The most important point in asexual relationships is always to keep the lines of communication clear; if someone has a problem or feels a certain way, there should be a safe and supportive environment for them to discuss the snag.
Step 2. Find other ways to have fun
Asexual relationships generally do not have sexual contact – although it is not an absolute rule – but they include many other aspects that accompany any type of relationship: going out wherever they want, doing a marathon of a Netflix series, reading books together, going to a concert by a band they like, to parties with friends… in short, the sky is the limit. Just remember that relationships are much more than sex and there are lots of other activities.
Step 3. Find a way to satisfy your partner
When relating to a “sexual” person, it is necessary to understand that he will have sexual needs that must be satisfied; how this should happen is up to both of them. If you want, let her have sex with other people or have sex with her as an act of love and not of her own desire. Besides, it is possible to give her pleasure with erotic toys and not with her own body, for example. Discuss this with him to reach a consensus.
Step 4. Do what you like
In the end, the entire relationship, with whoever it is, will be defined only by what pleases both parties. Don't let other people judge you or tell you what it should be like; the important thing is that you and your partner are happy and satisfied with each other.
Step 5. Identify when the other person is not right
Even if you like someone a lot and have fun hanging out with them, they may not be the best partner for you, and vice versa. If he has sexual needs that you can't satisfy or if you don't respect your desires, maybe it's best to end the relationship.
- Asexuals are suspected to make up 1-2% of the population. This way, if you are asexual, don't feel like a stranger or lonely.
- Tumblr is a great choice for people in the LGBT+ community, now called MOGAI (“Marginalized orientations, gender alignments, and intersex” or “IIGOM – Intersex, Gender Identities and Marginalized Orientations).