The feeling of being used isn't cool at all, right? Do you think you've found "the guy" and are very excited about the situation, but do you feel something is off? It doesn't matter if it's your instincts or the suspicion of others, you have reason to be on the alert. Is your boyfriend using her? If you think so - whether for sex, money, popularity or any other reason - look into the situation and decide what to do.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Analyzing the Situation
Step 1. Review what time he wants to spend time with you
Does he only go out with you at night? Do you only make time for dating when you have invitations to a nice party? Pay attention to details like this to identify his intentions.
Step 2. Review where he wants to be with you
Turn on the warning signal if he just wants to stay with you in his room. If he doesn't introduce you to his friends and just wants to be alone with you, he might not have much interest in making the relationship official.
Step 3. Make a list of all the warning signs of the relationship and think through all the details
See how often he says things that bother you. The list is a great way to gather thoughts and voice the concerns that are in your head.
- Does his behavior repeat or is he still brooding over something he did once a long time ago? Stay alert and defend yourself, but sometimes you need to forgive and forget, especially when the guy apologizes.
- Forgetting to call you is annoying, but missing your birthday for some silly reason is unacceptable. Go through the list and be honest about the seriousness of the problems and how you feel.
Step 4. Talk to people you trust
Sometimes those around you can see things you miss. Rumors, warnings and advice can be helpful in times of conflict. Remember, however, that only you and your boyfriend know what really goes on in the relationship.
Don't wash the dirty laundry of your relationship with just anyone, or you could end up creating more problems. Talk only to well-meaning and trustworthy people
Step 5. Make a decision
Now that you've analyzed the situation, talked to people you trust, and realized that the suspicions are silly, get on with your life. Maybe you have some trust issues that need to be resolved. If you have valid reasons to be uncomfortable, decide how you will confront the situation with your boyfriend.
Part 2 of 3: Observing and experiencing
Step 1. Stop giving what you think he wants
If you think your boyfriend is using you to get something, don't let him get it and watch his reaction. In a healthy relationship, there should be many things that make your partner happy and satisfied. If the relationship suffers from a change, there is a problem.
Step 2. Say you want to take things more slowly if you believe he is using you for sex or some other kind of physical affection
If he just wants to meet you at night and at home, tell him he wants to go out more during the day. When he starts some physical intimacy, tell him you're not interested in the moment and ask him to respect your boundaries.
- If you're not sure what to say, try: "I wanted to focus on our emotional connection, let's take a break from the more physical things." His reaction will give you a better idea of where the relationship is going. If he cares about you and your relationship, he won't mind pausing the most intimate affections. If he doesn't want to be with you without physical intimacy, leave the relationship.
- The body is yours! It is important that if you say no, he respects you.
Step 3. Protect your money if you think it's in their best interest
Say you're not comfortable spending a lot, even if you have to make up an excuse. There's nothing wrong with him not having the money to pamper you, but it's also not right to demand that you pamper him. If his interest disappears with the money, bad sign.
- Say something like "I need to save a little and I'm going to cut back" and remind him whenever he asks for money to pay for something. Pay attention to his reaction to assess the situation.
- The same approach can be used for other possible interests of your boyfriend, such as popularity, gifts, etc. A boyfriend good to you won't abandon you!
Step 4. See what it does for you
When you're in love, it's easy to miss when your boyfriend doesn't do anything for you. Pay attention to everything he does and doesn't do for you! Obviously, he doesn't need to buy flowers or pay for expensive dinners, he just needs to show that he really cares.
Step 5. Learn to differentiate praise from flattery
A man who says he loves your sense of humor and wants to hear about your problems probably likes you. If he only praises your beauty when he wants something in return, be smart.
Pay attention to what he does when he gets nothing in return. If he does things for you just to make you feel good, that's a great sign
Step 6. Make time for yourself
There is no need to announce anything or "take a break", just be alone for a while. It's easier to accept bad behavior or ignore the warning signs in your boyfriend's presence. You can be blinded by love or intimidated, which can make you unable to think clearly in his presence.
- When they are apart, reflect on the relationship. Are you getting what you're giving from him? Healthy relationships should be beneficial to both parties.
- By giving him space, you can see how he does on his own, without what he gets by "using it".
Part 3 of 3: Chatting with your boyfriend
Step 1. Plan the conversation and stay calm
Make it clear that they will have an important discussion so that he doesn't get defensive or feel cornered. Let him reflect on the relationship and prepare for an in-depth conversation. When planning the discussion, both will remain calm and think better of the issue.
It is very important that they talk calmly and maintain a good level. Even if you are nervous or hurt, remember that there is no point in arguing by crying or cursing
Step 2. State your concerns
Be frank but don't attack him. Don't minimize what you feel or sweep feelings under the rug. What you feel is real and should not be unexpressed only through discomfort. By putting your concerns on the table, you allow him to explain himself and improve.
Start sentences with "I", not "you", so as not to sound accusatory. Saying something like "I feel like we only get together at night" is better than "You only call me at night and I hate it."
Step 3. Let him speak
If you're sure your fears have come true and you're used by your boyfriend, let him explain to close the matter. Don't interrupt it so as not to increase the tension of the situation. If you disagree with something he says, wait for him to finish talking and see how he reacts. Does he show remorse? Is he defensive? He is rude?
Remember that what you are feeling is valid. Even if your boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong, don't feel bad for feeling what you feel
Step 4. Choose how you will go forward
After discussing the issue and making yourself heard, decide what you will do. If your boyfriend doesn't explain himself, apologizes, or does anything to improve the future of the relationship, perhaps the best option is to end the relationship as a whole.
If you are satisfied with his response and plan to maintain the relationship, come up with a plan to improve the situation. If you've been hurt and feel like you're giving more than you're getting, think about how to fix the issue or you'll end up back in the same discussion after a while
Step 5. Remember what you learned and don't make the same mistakes
Now that you've learned to identify the things that make you uncomfortable and to confront those situations, you're better able to do well in the future. Now you know what not to accept and how to deal with conflicts. Being used is horrible, but it allows you to learn to demand respect and better treatment in the future.