Regardless of what caused you to lose your wife's trust, you'll be walking on eggshells until you get her back. The trust between the couple is an integral part of what keeps them together for the rest of their lives. And that includes not being unfaithful, not wasting money on the bills, not mortgaged to finance gambling debts, not hurting your wife, not gossiping about her, and so on. Trust is something that is very easily lost. If you are going through this situation, most of the responsibility to resolve everything rests on your shoulders. Be brave, admit your mistake and start working hard to make things the way they were.
Method 1 of 2: Facing the Problem
Step 1. Recognize that you lost your wife's trust for something you did (or didn't do)
Doing it or not was your choice. Whether it's an impulsive action or an intentional omission, your disrespect for her for your relationship has made you feel like the other person doesn't matter. Whether you've had an affair, embezzled money from the joint account, done something against her, or tarnished your wife's reputation, it all stems from your action or inaction.
Step 2. Consider whether you really want to regain your wife's confidence
The idea here is to go back to the previous level in your relationship, or at least try to start again. If you feel compelled to do this for yourself (without pressure from family or social obligations), you should move forward, reassured that you will do everything for the right reasons. In these terms, it's about restoring what you both had because that's important to you.
Step 3. Prepare to accept blame for what you've done
There is no way to regain someone's trust if you spend all your time trying to shift the blame to someone else. Don't justify your behavior by saying that your wife was always “too busy”, too worried, too boring, addicted to shopping, etc. You would just be trying to take the load off your shoulders. The situation is not about whether or not she is meeting your expectations; you have destroyed her expectations, and you will need to rebuild the foundations of your relationship. Under no circumstances try to make it look like it was her fault. If you do, she will not consider your attempts to be genuine.
Step 4. Deal with everything you did wrong
Finish your case, get a job to put the money in, get counseling to resolve your tendencies to be violent, and so on. Whatever the problem, look for the solution needed to end the reasons for lack of trust. This positive sign about your willingness to change things will not go unnoticed by your wife.
If the problem is a romantic involvement with someone, stop it immediately. Even if you're the type to flirt when interacting with others, avoid it as much as possible, at least until the wounds heal and your wife's confidence starts to grow stronger again
Step 5. Talk to your wife
Talk about what you've done, accept your share of the blame, and describe what you're doing to restore her trust in you. This will require a lot of honesty and courage on your part, as well as a willingness to listen to what she has to say. She'll probably have a lot to say, but even if she listens all the time, respect whatever your wife's reaction is. Whichever way she is receiving it, listen and learn.
Let your wife know that you are always willing to listen to what she has to say. Don't interrupt or discuss what is being said; just listen
Method 2 of 2: Regaining Your Wife's Confidence
Step 1. Expect varying levels of distrust from your wife
She will always be wondering where you are, who you are with, if you are really doing what you said you were going to do, and so on. Do what you can to anticipate questions by providing information that can convince her that you are telling the truth.
- If she's worried about where you're going and who you'll be with, ask her to come along. Another option is to ask her to call you and enable video conferencing on her cell phone to show you where and with whom you are.
- Offer to participate in something she likes and you've been neglecting. This could mean going to church, sharing a hobby, a sporting activity, and so on.
- Be more open. Show your social media accounts, your friends list, etc. Show your phone's contact list. Be willing to answer the phone near her. Don't make her run after you.
- Make your punctuality a testament to confidence. Don't be late getting home or allow questionable time lapses in your schedule.
Step 2. Be considerate
Be careful how you show your attention. While it might seem like a good buy to buy something nice as an initial apology, don't think this will completely resolve the issue. The most important thing is to show your commitment, to listen, to explain clearly and carefully what you are doing or thinking, to apologize and not offer any reason for her to harbor any suspicions. Being considerate includes:
- Spend more time together. Staying more at home than at a pub, at work, or on a football field. If she regains confidence in you, it will be through the time you are present, showing that you are dedicated to spending time with her, showing interest in her company.
- Solve family needs together. This can be a great time to reorganize who does what, and improve the functioning of the family. Make a new budget, a new to-do list, a new way to keep the house in order. Even thinking about buying a new house can be a good thing; moving away from unpleasant memories can be the key to restoring a relationship.
- If you have children, consider whether your approach to parenting should be improved. Maybe you are neglecting something; if so, changes need to be made to spend more time with your children. You may also be paying too much attention to your children and neglecting your wife; again, you must reorient your approach and seek greater balance.
- Dinner with the whole family together. Do not bring electronic devices to the table.
Step 3. Be sympathetic to your wife's wishes
She may feel that her behavior or actions have undermined opportunities to do something she believes is important; find ways to help her achieve her desires, or at least don't be a hindrance. She may feel the need to take some time away from you.
Step 4. Be honest
If you want to regain your wife's trust, you must act accordingly. Actions speak louder than words, and she will be watching closely, waiting for slips, not sure of your sincerity. This may seem difficult for you, but it is a reality when trying to regain someone's trust. You are in the spotlight, no matter how uncomfortable it is. You have something to prove, and she will be constantly weighing your actions and trustworthiness as a spouse.
Step 5. Strive
Recovering lost trust takes time, effort and solid evidence of change for the better. It's not something that can be done overnight. You will have to work hard. It can take days, weeks, months or years. You must persevere in the mindset that your marriage is worth rescuing. Show your wife your commitment to getting her back.
- Realize that there will be times when your efforts will seem to be in vain. This is normal. However, it is also difficult to bear. At these times, talk to a trusted friend, a therapist, or even your parent, if you feel good about it. You can even communicate your feelings to your wife; your anguish can help you to see that you are really trying. Just don't use it as a reason to lessen your sentence; this is not an effective way to restore balance to your relationship.
- You may find that prayer, contemplation, meditation, or reflection are great avenues for healing. Reading texts about faith, stories about forgiveness, and people who have managed to restore lost trust can be a balm to your soul. If your wife and family are willing, spend time for prayer and reflection together.
Step 6. Let time heal your wife's wounds
Like you, she has been through a range of emotions. In a few moments, this will be very clear. It can be easier to talk at times and more difficult at others. This is all normal and part of the healing process. It's important not to rush things by forcing your wife to make decisions about her feelings or desires for the future; if she feels pressured, the simplest option is to give up on you for fear of being controlled or manipulated. Space, time and love are the right ingredients for a couple to start over.
- Plan small surprises. Recreate situations the two went through while they were dating, to show her that you still remember and care. Watch out for the little things.
- Don't step out of line in order to show her that you should be taken seriously.
- Hide notes with praise around the house. Give your wife something to smile about and show your support. You need to show that you care, that you are working hard to show how important she is in your life.
- Don't be uncertain. It is not this kind of attitude that will restore your wife's confidence. Don't be somewhere you shouldn't be. Do not browse any site that suggests you are up to something untrustworthy (no games, pornography, etc). That means not closing pages quickly, not deleting histories or cookies, not hiding your cell phone, anything like that.
- Make changes that show you respect yourself. This will enable her to see your changes and what they mean.
- It's important that your wife doesn't see you as a constant pain in her life. Allow her the time and space to recover.
- Be open and honest about your feelings.
- Do your share of household responsibilities. Being responsible is a huge part of being trustworthy; you're not a child, so don't expect to be pampered, don't expect to be asked to do the things you need to do to make sure the house works properly.
- Pretend you care about the things that interest her, even if that's not the case. She doesn't expect you to start knitting, but would like you to respect her desire to do so. If you show interest, there will always be some way to insert yourself into something she likes.
- Avoid shouting. Yelling demonstrates that you are trying to do things your own way. This is quite different from listening and trying to agree.
- Avoid approaching her like you're panicking. This can be seen as a way of using self-pity to win her back. In the long run, this weakens your position.
- Anger is a clear sign of loss of control. Use anger as a motivation to find out what's bothering you. Find calm, well-grounded words to convey the real reasons and feelings behind your anger.
- Don't be condescending. Laughing at her is the best way to destroy what's left of her feelings for you.
- Never treat what happened as a joke. This will never be a laughing matter, no matter how nervous, scared, or cowed you feel. You need to find the strength to face what happened and prepare to make amends. Be sincere, honest and trustworthy.
- If she doesn't want to be touched, don't. Your wife may be feeling too exposed and vulnerable, unable to cope with the couple's intimacy. Don't try to control it; she'll give you clear signals when she's ready and wants you again. If you put pressure on her, she'll just overreact and make things worse.
- When things are difficult and frustrating, it's easy to start arguing. This is not the right approach as it does not solve anything. You don't need to come out on top all the time. You can gradually regain your space later.
- Don't overload her with your desires. She will feel suffocated and manageable. Time and space are essential to renewing your wife's confidence.