Are you in love with someone close to you and keeping it a secret is killing you? This can be a very difficult position for a friend. As each relationship is unique, there is no "right" way to proceed, but there are several things to consider in order to make the right decision and express your feelings without disrespecting your friend or making her uncomfortable.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Things to Consider Before Acting
Step 1. Know that this can change friendship forever
In most cases, when a person confesses to being in love with their best friend, things are never "the same". Telling you that you love your friend makes you have to re-evaluate the way you see yourself. Weigh the relationship you have now with what you can have if all goes well. If your current relationship is very important to you, it might not be a good idea to risk it.
As much as things may not go back to the way they were before, it doesn't mean that your relationship will be ruined, it does mean that something will change. For example, if you used to watch movies together in bed or on the couch in a platonic way, this activity can be uncomfortable
Step 2. Remember that rejection is a real possibility
Don't be fooled into thinking that you will live happily ever after after confessing your love. Thinking like that can lead to enormous disappointment. There's no need to be pessimistic, but remember that the choice to move a love relationship forward is not yours alone. If you can't support the thought of rejection, try to get on with life.
Remember, rejection doesn't always mean you're not "good enough." There are many reasons why someone might not want to date you. For example, the girl may not want a relationship with anyone at the moment or there may be things that prevent her from dating, like work and school commitments, for example
Step 3. Be aware that romantic feelings can change over time
Did love for your best friend suddenly emerge? In that case, wait a few weeks (or months) to see if they remain. Being attracted to someone today doesn't mean you will feel the same way forever. Don't risk a great friendship just to find yourself feeling a brief crush. The signs below are used by psychology professionals to identify passing infatuations:
- Infatuation comes almost instantly (rather than gradually).
- Infatuation is powerful but short-lived.
- Infatuation almost always focuses on physical attraction.
- Infatuation makes you see the other person as "perfect" or flawless.
Don't confuse this with seeing the other person as "perfect for you"-someone with flaws, but that you like flaws because you're able to make up for them
- Infatuation is not the same as being in love with someone - it is being in love with the feeling of being in love.
Step 4. Know that you don't have to go through this alone
It can be awkward talking about deep feelings with other people, but it's a good idea. In your situation, it can be difficult to make a realistic judgment of the information, and third-party advice is helpful. If most people tell you not to tell the person how you feel, take what they say into account.
- Some people to talk to include:
- Other friends.
- The girl's friends (if you know them well) - they might even know if she feels the same way about you.
- Siblings or parents with whom you feel comfortable talking about the issue.
- A teacher you trust.
Part 2 of 3: Getting Ready
Step 1. Wait for an appropriate opportunity
Reveal your feelings to your friend so that she remains calm and comfortable. Choose a place and a time when you will be relaxed and have no other worries. It's hard to make smart decisions about romantic issues when you're being pressured by other things. Some examples of issues that may make the timing unsuitable for your confession include:
- The girl is preparing for something important like an exam or a role in a play.
- She just got out of a relationship (or is still in one - definitely not a good time to approach her).
- She is going through a difficult period (problems at school or at home, for example).
- An example of a good time to confess how you feel: a casual weekend getaway.
Step 2. Flirt subtly to see how she reacts
Give some subtle hints about your intentions to see what your chances of success are without risking friendship. If she looks uncomfortable or doesn't respond very well to flirting, stop. Click here to find more information on how to flirt successfully. Consider the tips below:
- Maintain an affectionate body language, always with a smile on your face and making eye contact. Touch her on the arm or shoulder whenever she makes you laugh.
- Play with her whenever she makes a mistake. Use good humor and make it clear you're kidding.
- Fit one or two compliments into the conversation. If you can use them during games, even better.
- Go slow and don't overdo it. You might end up weighing your hand and scaring the girl.
Step 3. Don't make an appointment right away
Dates will come after the romantic connection with the person, not before. Going out to a candlelit dinner might seem like a good option, but things can get messy if she doesn't understand your intentions or awkward if she does and doesn't reciprocate your feelings. Leave the gifts and formalities for later; the ideal now is to go out with her casually.
A date ends up being costly and you can end up ruining everything. Save the money and spend it on future dates, either with your best friend or with someone else if you get rejected
Step 4. Take your friend to a semi-private location when you want to confess your feelings for her
Your conversation should get emotional, so find a place with privacy. You don't need to be completely isolated, but find a comfortable place where you won't be interrupted.
- A good example is a bench in a remote location in a park. You will be comfortable, have a romantic view and will hardly be interrupted by other people.
- Not put on a show. Remember, there's a good chance she doesn't feel the same way you do - in which case, attracting a crowd will embarrass both of you.
Step 5. Take a deep breath before the big moment
This is your last chance to change your mind! If you think you're ready to take this important step, let me know what you're feeling. Keep relaxed as you open up and remember that it will all be over soon, for better or for worse. No matter her answer, at least you will achieve peace of mind.
It's natural to have butterflies in your stomach (many girls consider this to be cute), but starting to stutter and not knowing what to say will only make the situation worse. Click here if you need help staying calm during stressful situations
Part 3 of 3: Telling Everything You Feel
Step 1. Be honest
Don't waste time rolling up, just be simple and straightforward. Tell how your friend makes you feel; follow your heart, after all, what you feel is unique. Below you will find some suggestions, but feel free to assemble the sentences in a way that sounds more sincere to you.
- Explain that lately you have been thinking of her as more than a friend and that you would like to know what she thinks of that.
- Say that you've been holding back for a while and that you're relieved to finally let go.
- Say that you will value her regardless of her response and that you want to maintain a positive relationship. That is very important - you don't want her to feel like you only approached her out of romantic interests.
Step 2. Find a convenient way to let her show that she has no romantic interest in you
The conversation will be awkward no matter which way it turns, but you can make the whole situation less awkward by letting your friend have a reasonable way of saying "no" without embarrassment. This isn't as difficult as it sounds, just mention that it's okay if she doesn't want to be with you. Some things that might be mentioned in the conversation include:
- Say you completely understand if she can't get into a relationship right now.
- Say that you don't know if she's in a relationship or if she likes someone and that you know it can prevent you from having something more.
- Emphasize that you won't be upset if she doesn't feel the same way about you.
Step 3. Keep the conversation simple
Dramatic and eye-catching displays of emotion may seem like a good idea, but they will make the conversation more stressful and tense than necessary. Speak calmly and friendly; if possible, use a little humor to ease the tension by joking about how eager you were to talk about it - a well-placed laugh can make things a lot easier.
-
note:
avoid the word "love". For many people, it has a huge weight that can cause some fear at first. Most relationship experts recommend not using the word love before dating itself.
Step 4. Don't press an immediate decision
You are confessing something important and your friend may need to think it through. Don't force her to decide if she likes you and wants something more at the moment, as she may not be able to give the best, most honest answer. If she seems indecisive, reinforce that it's okay to think for a while. Say you'll give her a space to think about it.
Step 5. Listen and accept any response from her
Ask her for her opinion during the conversation and let her express herself well. Don't dominate the conversation, and when she responds (no matter if it's time or days later), listen carefully to what she says. It's okay to ask questions about how she feels, but don't question her decision. It's her decision and it's up to you to just accept it.
If she doesn't reciprocate your feelings, don't try to change her mind or you may sound desperate. If you really love her, you want her to be happy, even if you don't agree with her point of view
Step 6. Give your friend some space
If she reacts positively, celebrate by planning a date. If she doesn't like the idea of a relationship with you, give your relationship a little space - at least for now. You may end up feeling bad, even if she gently rejects you.
- Luckily, as the old saying goes, "time heals all wounds". Spending time away from someone who has rejected you can be a good thing. You will recover, accept the fact that you won't be together, and move on with your love life.
- When meeting your best friend, take it slow. Maybe you don't get back to the level of intimacy you had right away. Gradually work to get your relationship back together; things may not be the same, but your friendship is unlikely to end.
Tips
- Are you having trouble describing how you feel? Try writing a love letter; you will have more time and be able to express yourself better by putting your feelings down on paper. You can deliver the letter to your friend when you meet her for the big reveal.
- You need to talk to her in person; do not confess your love over the phone or text message, as the situation will be awkward and the girl may think you are rude.
- Relationship experts do not agree on whether starting a relationship with a close friend is a good idea. Some evidence suggests that couples who consider themselves "best friends" tend to be happier, but there are stories of people losing a friend and a partner after problems in their relationships with people close to them.